Imaginos
Full-time layabout
- Apr 7, 2018
- 638
Lately I've been doing really, really badly. Just letting myself go completely and getting fat again. I always feel like I have a light/moderate headache because of how horrifically depressed I am all the time. My mom's super depressed as well, but wants to try and go to the gym and do other things, but I'm too depressed and disinterested to even step out the door. I just want to LDAR and eat muffins all day instead. I'm all she's got though, since she has no friends or anyone else in her life at all. It's the type of disastrous dynamic where when I say I'm too depressed to do anything, then she's too depressed to do anything either. I feel responsible for the fact that I'm just dragging her down with me and putting her health at risk. I just wish she had a life of her own, and I could just freely self-destruct by myself without it leading to her being left to do the same as well.
Exercise never really did much for me, even during those years where I did it consistently and took it seriously, and I've since returned to unhealthy habits because I couldn't be bothered to keep doing something that barely gave me anything in return. In my case, it never improved my mood and was always a mind numbingly tedious/boring hassle to do. My mom's been trying lately to get the both of us to the gym, but I'm too depressed and indifferent to oblige her. I should be doing it for her sake, since she's not very healthy and at her age it's very important to take one's health seriously, but I'm too fucked up and dead inside to motivate myself to do anything. If anything happens in the future to jeopardize her health, I can imagine that I'll be blaming myself pretty hard for my current lack of involvement. Not that realizing that is doing anything to change my behavior. I'm just completely fucking hopeless.
There's an extremely morbid atmosphere that permeates everything around here, in terms of the two of us just enduring our utterly miserable lives and waiting to die. Been that way for at least 15 years now. My dad also literally rotted away before our eyes to a skeleton on account of ALS and died just this past June, so that definitely added even further to the crushing morbidity of the situation. If extreme misery itself (outside of suicide) were imminently fatal, she and I would've died a thousand times over by this point. The codependency that exists between the two of us, along with her pathetically empty life, has definitely exacerbated my own struggles with the same thing and did a lot to cause/shape my chronically depressed personality and unfixable situation. We're just a couple of corpses rotting away in purgatory, where time itself literally has no meaning beyond being the fire that's slowly scorching away what's left of our damaged minds and terrible lives.
Exercise never really did much for me, even during those years where I did it consistently and took it seriously, and I've since returned to unhealthy habits because I couldn't be bothered to keep doing something that barely gave me anything in return. In my case, it never improved my mood and was always a mind numbingly tedious/boring hassle to do. My mom's been trying lately to get the both of us to the gym, but I'm too depressed and indifferent to oblige her. I should be doing it for her sake, since she's not very healthy and at her age it's very important to take one's health seriously, but I'm too fucked up and dead inside to motivate myself to do anything. If anything happens in the future to jeopardize her health, I can imagine that I'll be blaming myself pretty hard for my current lack of involvement. Not that realizing that is doing anything to change my behavior. I'm just completely fucking hopeless.
There's an extremely morbid atmosphere that permeates everything around here, in terms of the two of us just enduring our utterly miserable lives and waiting to die. Been that way for at least 15 years now. My dad also literally rotted away before our eyes to a skeleton on account of ALS and died just this past June, so that definitely added even further to the crushing morbidity of the situation. If extreme misery itself (outside of suicide) were imminently fatal, she and I would've died a thousand times over by this point. The codependency that exists between the two of us, along with her pathetically empty life, has definitely exacerbated my own struggles with the same thing and did a lot to cause/shape my chronically depressed personality and unfixable situation. We're just a couple of corpses rotting away in purgatory, where time itself literally has no meaning beyond being the fire that's slowly scorching away what's left of our damaged minds and terrible lives.
Last edited: