hi everyone :)
hope you are doing okay. first time posting so not so sure how to do this but yeah.
I have decided to make my final and most major attempt this sunday.
I have access to sodium cyanide from my job and today I measured out and brought home 1.8g for this. I am planning to dissolve it in a lemonade w extra lemon added (NaCN produces NaOH and HCN upon dissolving and the citric acid should not only expedite the HCN formation but also neutralize the KOH so it's easier going down)...I'd then wait a couple minutes, then drink it. I have my final arrangements/wishes written out for my parents to deal with and letters for my friends (it breaks my hurt to think about how this will hurt them..).
im planning to do it sunday night. gonna clean my apt on saturday to make it easier for my parents who will probably be the ones to come up and have to deal w that. the only thing I am on the fence about is location for drinking it. I am worried about making noise after swallowing it and that being heard by neighbors (im in an apt building). the apt is not a very social community so I'm not too worried ab this esp bc the window is so small for cn. but ideally I would find some secluded roof somewhere just so I can see the moon as I do it or just find some place outside, maybe the park nearby (it's huge) I'm thinking -- does anyone know how loud it would be after drinking it? or ways to mitigate that? I don't believe it is "extremely painful" as people like to say, obviously unpleasant but quick esp given the amount I'm taking. planning to drink some wine before and eat something nice, how necessary would fasting be? like should I wait a couple hours after I eat/drink etc.
I also have felt a great sense of relief knowing that it's ending soon. it's kinda scary and obviously just so fucked up like waking around today just everything seemed okay for the first time in a while. I have bpd and am trans and am just so tired of the isolation I feel everyday in my body and in my head. and surgeries are so hard to access with my insurance and would be over a year away due to requirements, plus even more debt and never getting my teens and early 20's back it's just too much. there's obviously more to that but that's not the point of the post.
if anyone has any advice on my plan and/or just dealing mentally with having a set date and it coming so close,, Iim all ears.
best wishes yall, thank you :)
hope you are doing okay. first time posting so not so sure how to do this but yeah.
I have decided to make my final and most major attempt this sunday.
I have access to sodium cyanide from my job and today I measured out and brought home 1.8g for this. I am planning to dissolve it in a lemonade w extra lemon added (NaCN produces NaOH and HCN upon dissolving and the citric acid should not only expedite the HCN formation but also neutralize the KOH so it's easier going down)...I'd then wait a couple minutes, then drink it. I have my final arrangements/wishes written out for my parents to deal with and letters for my friends (it breaks my hurt to think about how this will hurt them..).
im planning to do it sunday night. gonna clean my apt on saturday to make it easier for my parents who will probably be the ones to come up and have to deal w that. the only thing I am on the fence about is location for drinking it. I am worried about making noise after swallowing it and that being heard by neighbors (im in an apt building). the apt is not a very social community so I'm not too worried ab this esp bc the window is so small for cn. but ideally I would find some secluded roof somewhere just so I can see the moon as I do it or just find some place outside, maybe the park nearby (it's huge) I'm thinking -- does anyone know how loud it would be after drinking it? or ways to mitigate that? I don't believe it is "extremely painful" as people like to say, obviously unpleasant but quick esp given the amount I'm taking. planning to drink some wine before and eat something nice, how necessary would fasting be? like should I wait a couple hours after I eat/drink etc.
I also have felt a great sense of relief knowing that it's ending soon. it's kinda scary and obviously just so fucked up like waking around today just everything seemed okay for the first time in a while. I have bpd and am trans and am just so tired of the isolation I feel everyday in my body and in my head. and surgeries are so hard to access with my insurance and would be over a year away due to requirements, plus even more debt and never getting my teens and early 20's back it's just too much. there's obviously more to that but that's not the point of the post.
if anyone has any advice on my plan and/or just dealing mentally with having a set date and it coming so close,, Iim all ears.
best wishes yall, thank you :)
