lost guy
Just a guy trying to work things out.
- Aug 12, 2020
- 94
I have concluded that it is pretty much time to go. Am I nervous about it? Yes. Am I somewhat scared about it? Definitely. But I feel it is my only option to finally move forward.
I never really was ever suicidal growing up. My first thoughts about it emerged about 4 years ago. Early on when the thoughts arose; however, the thoughts were never consistent enough to formulate an actual plan.
Now, I have hit a point in which I feel like I am ready. I do feel guilt because I know a lot of people here want to ctb because they have some sort of physical, mental, and medical ailments that cause them not to be able to live a happy and independent life.
I am fortunate enough to have been able to physically take care of my self in a way where I don't have to rely on others to get me through the day, physically. I am humble and grateful for that.
My issues have always revolved around severe anxiety, to the point where it freezes me and causes for nothing to actually ever get done. I have wasted so many opportunities in life because of my anxiety, and not it has caused me to become severely depressed. I am a sloth.
On the outside, I appear to be ok and functional, but on the inside I am not ok and just scrape by in life.
My anxiety has causethe woman I love, my soulmate, of 11 years to leave me. This was the straw that broke the camels back. Her leaving me has made me feel worthless and that I have nothing to live for.
I am fortunate enough to know that I do have people that love me and care about me. But, that is not enough. I want her to also care about me and love me to feel complete.
This is terrible for me to say, but I want her to feel my pain. This bothers me because it is much like a form of manipulation. That has never been my style in life, but I suppose I am being narcissistic because I want her to realize that I'm gone and will never be back. I want her to feel my pain. I know it's not right. At least I can admit it; however, I do feel shame.
Moving forward, I will begin to formulate my plan for my exit. I know many people will be hurt once the job is done. I hate that, but I just no longer have the ambition or energy to carry on in life.
If I could trade places with a person or child that is suffering from a terminal illness, I wouldn't hesitate. I would do it in a heartbeat because they deserve it.
If you have made it this far in reading my long-winded thoughts and conclusion, thank you. It means a lot to me.
I never really was ever suicidal growing up. My first thoughts about it emerged about 4 years ago. Early on when the thoughts arose; however, the thoughts were never consistent enough to formulate an actual plan.
Now, I have hit a point in which I feel like I am ready. I do feel guilt because I know a lot of people here want to ctb because they have some sort of physical, mental, and medical ailments that cause them not to be able to live a happy and independent life.
I am fortunate enough to have been able to physically take care of my self in a way where I don't have to rely on others to get me through the day, physically. I am humble and grateful for that.
My issues have always revolved around severe anxiety, to the point where it freezes me and causes for nothing to actually ever get done. I have wasted so many opportunities in life because of my anxiety, and not it has caused me to become severely depressed. I am a sloth.
On the outside, I appear to be ok and functional, but on the inside I am not ok and just scrape by in life.
My anxiety has causethe woman I love, my soulmate, of 11 years to leave me. This was the straw that broke the camels back. Her leaving me has made me feel worthless and that I have nothing to live for.
I am fortunate enough to know that I do have people that love me and care about me. But, that is not enough. I want her to also care about me and love me to feel complete.
This is terrible for me to say, but I want her to feel my pain. This bothers me because it is much like a form of manipulation. That has never been my style in life, but I suppose I am being narcissistic because I want her to realize that I'm gone and will never be back. I want her to feel my pain. I know it's not right. At least I can admit it; however, I do feel shame.
Moving forward, I will begin to formulate my plan for my exit. I know many people will be hurt once the job is done. I hate that, but I just no longer have the ambition or energy to carry on in life.
If I could trade places with a person or child that is suffering from a terminal illness, I wouldn't hesitate. I would do it in a heartbeat because they deserve it.
If you have made it this far in reading my long-winded thoughts and conclusion, thank you. It means a lot to me.
