sorrowful
My exhaustion knows no end
- Feb 13, 2023
- 238
The person that I was closest to took his own life the other day.
He hadn't been a good person by any means at all, liar, cheater, manipulative. Part of the reason I think that he chose that is due to everyone turning on him.
But, God, I loved him. He had his flaws as we all do, some more than others, I am not one to judge. I don't think I have the best past. There were times where I felt I truly understood him, I don't think he was all evil, and I could be wrong on that. Regardless, he brought me peace of mind when we had talked before. Something I really appreciated is how he would listen to me. I will treasure those moments.
I feel like it was more on impulse than anything. We discussed ctb and life before, he had his struggles but he wanted to live, and to me what he said was very genuine. I'm trying to not be mad at him, because I believe in ctb being a persons choice 100%, though I wish he said at least something before doing it. I also feel a little hypocritical wishing he found another way when I don't see one myself. I want to call him an idiot, he brought this upon himself then ran away from it all. I also want to tell him that I care for him so dearly despite it all. He hurt me too with his actions prior, I should hate him for the things he had done to me, but I don't. Not at all. I had been one of the only people in his life to not go against him. I told him to talk to me whenever he was ready, and that I'll be there. I should have said more. I should have told him I loved him again. I'm unsure if there's anything I could have really done, but I just hope on everything he knew that I still loved him. I would've done anything to help even slightly. One thing he had told me previously is that he didn't want to die alone, and that's what happened. He died alone. I'm sorry.
Seems like this was the final nail in the coffin for me. I don't see anything else that I can do. I don't feel whole anymore. I have always known that I will ctb, I tried holding it off as to not hurt anyone like how I'm hurting now, but I don't want to hurt in this way either. It seems that tragedy follows me everywhere. Life barely feels real.
I hope to reunite in the afterlife, someplace nicer with problems much easier. I know that is something not everyone believes in, but it's a comforting thought to me.
He hadn't been a good person by any means at all, liar, cheater, manipulative. Part of the reason I think that he chose that is due to everyone turning on him.
But, God, I loved him. He had his flaws as we all do, some more than others, I am not one to judge. I don't think I have the best past. There were times where I felt I truly understood him, I don't think he was all evil, and I could be wrong on that. Regardless, he brought me peace of mind when we had talked before. Something I really appreciated is how he would listen to me. I will treasure those moments.
I feel like it was more on impulse than anything. We discussed ctb and life before, he had his struggles but he wanted to live, and to me what he said was very genuine. I'm trying to not be mad at him, because I believe in ctb being a persons choice 100%, though I wish he said at least something before doing it. I also feel a little hypocritical wishing he found another way when I don't see one myself. I want to call him an idiot, he brought this upon himself then ran away from it all. I also want to tell him that I care for him so dearly despite it all. He hurt me too with his actions prior, I should hate him for the things he had done to me, but I don't. Not at all. I had been one of the only people in his life to not go against him. I told him to talk to me whenever he was ready, and that I'll be there. I should have said more. I should have told him I loved him again. I'm unsure if there's anything I could have really done, but I just hope on everything he knew that I still loved him. I would've done anything to help even slightly. One thing he had told me previously is that he didn't want to die alone, and that's what happened. He died alone. I'm sorry.
Seems like this was the final nail in the coffin for me. I don't see anything else that I can do. I don't feel whole anymore. I have always known that I will ctb, I tried holding it off as to not hurt anyone like how I'm hurting now, but I don't want to hurt in this way either. It seems that tragedy follows me everywhere. Life barely feels real.
I hope to reunite in the afterlife, someplace nicer with problems much easier. I know that is something not everyone believes in, but it's a comforting thought to me.
