Not really sure what prefix to use, it's kinda more wanting to yell into a void than venting but whatever. I just got some stuff to CTB, rope(385kg limit, 850lbs), and some ratchet straps and bean bags, not sure what method I want yet exactly, if I prep the rope then it's much easier to CTB by taking advantage of a depressive mood swing, but idk if I have good spots for it :(. I'm thinking about going to the hospital soon-ish, I've interacted with the mental health people there before and they're nice, and I live in Australia so there is no bill, it's mostly a last hurrah; I've been to a fair few mental health professionals in the past and it hasn't really helped, and medication's effect decayed overtime to the point it did nothing and suddenly dropping it didn't even make me feel ill or weird anymore, but who knows. I feel kind of broken, honestly I don't really want to die, I want to be happy, but I don't see a path, a past relationship has shattered me, and for the sake of myself and others emotions I don't see myself ever getting back into one, which was one of the parts of life I really enjoyed when it wasn't going to shit. I just can't see myself ever being in a constant decent mood again, I'm staying alive purely on small dopamine hits and distractions, but those eventually stop working and all I want to do is die, an that's the moment I hope to take advantage of and take my own life with.
If you're reading this and in a similar spot, I wish you the best and hope that you don't end up like me, and can find a path to a happy or just decent life.
(obviously I wish everyone else the best too, you get what I mean lol)
If you're reading this and in a similar spot, I wish you the best and hope that you don't end up like me, and can find a path to a happy or just decent life.
(obviously I wish everyone else the best too, you get what I mean lol)
