Venting chronically suicidal, never going to commit (tw vent)

[elelanda]

trigger warning for fairly sensitive topics. (sexual assault, childhood trauma, uhm obviously suicide)

im quite sure that im always going to suicidal, at least to some degree for the rest of my life. for as long as ive known, ive never truly wanted to be alive. i understand that it's probably because of my pitiful childhood. things have never really been good for as far back as i can remember. even from my earliest memories, it seems i have just been bound to suffer through my existence. being frequently sexually assaulted from infancy up until adolescence is probably why ive never been normal, or better yet, never had the chance to be. i probably didnt have the grace to develop properly. im sure that has more than a little to do with the pervasive nature of my suicidal ideation. i wanted to think that nobody understands me, yet ive realised im more simple than i am complex. i cant help but pin myself as the reason for my own negative thinking. ive noticed a lot of ppl with objectively more horrific experiences than mine still seem to be able to continue with their lives, but here i am, still the same baby ive been since the moment i had my innocence stripped. i somehow feel im using my past experiences to justify being the way i am, which i dont rlly like the idea of. it rlly wouldnt be a reach to say being suicidal is an innate part of me. everyone close to me knows that i want to kill myself. even when ive been on medication for my undiagnosed bipolar disorder, even when my brain is quiet, the thought of dying still hangs over my head with a heavy aura. much like most ppl here i wld give anything to simply close my eyes and cease to exist.

but at the end of the day, i know ill probably never fulfil my desire to take my own life. i wish that my life would end with suicide but i know it likely wont. the thought of my death affecting the ppl around me thoroughly disturbs me. i dont want to be the catalyst for a series of bad events. even with all my strangeness i can say that i have a lot of friends and family that wld actively b impacted by my passing. my dying wld more than likely topple over everything my family has worked for. even though they're evidently not good ppl, i cld never allow myself to do that. so all i can really do is daydream and hope that one day i can just end all of it on my own terms. or yk get hit by a bus

thats all for my sad little vent sigh. if u read this far ily<3

 

[Rumi]

ive noticed a lot of ppl with objectively more horrific experiences than mine still seem to be able to continue with their lives, but here i am, still the same baby ive been since the moment i had my innocence stripped.

Hey mate, I've been through nothing like you have, and am still suicidal. Don't feel guilty about it, you've been through a lot.

We can't ultimately know why we want to CTB, it's just part of us. I feel guilty about wanting to die too, and I am one of the luckiest and most privileged people on the planet. It hasn't mattered. I still want to die, and most of my life is spent distracting myself from that fact.

If you are worried that you will never have the courage, all I can say is that most people CTB on impulse. They don't spend weeks researching methods like people on SS do. They just attempt, and the lucky (or unlucky, it depends) die. You'll probably not be able to anticipate when you CTB, if you CTB. It's an impulsive thing.

 

[elelanda]

thank u <3 i can rationalise that i have been through a lot but ig something in me doesn't rlly want to acknowledge that. i have actually failed multiple attempts over the years but i dont feel in control of my life anymore. all i can do is wait till i inevitably die sooner or later

 

[TimetoGo!]

Hey mate, I've been through nothing like you have, and am still suicidal. Don't feel guilty about it, you've been through a lot.

We can't ultimately know why we want to CTB, it's just part of us. I feel guilty about wanting to die too, and I am one of the luckiest and most privileged people on the planet. It hasn't mattered. I still want to die, and most of my life is spent distracting myself from that fact.

If you are worried that you will never have the courage, all I can say is that most people CTB on impulse. They don't spend weeks researching methods like people on SS do. They just attempt, and the lucky (or unlucky, it depends) die. You'll probably not be able to anticipate when you CTB, if you CTB. It's an impulsive thing.

You make a great point, as I myself have felt recently I have over "researched". Spending hours reading about methods and watching those videos on repulsive gore sites.

I feel I have lived a good/privedged life, in terms of health and good people…….but just absolutely despise the world right now and Id like to get on that bus asap