Chronically Filthy

[Rocksandsand]

I am looking across my apartment right now. There's dishes everywhere with scraps in varying states of decay, clothes scattered about, mould in the sink, food wrappers and take away containers on the bench.

Regardless of if I try to stay clean, I end up too depressed to keep up with it, or to leave the apartment to take out the garbage. It's actually a huge point of anxiety and shame with me. I grew up with hoarder parents. And whilst I have no attachment to any of the crap I accumulate, cleaning doesn't come naturally to me at all.

Does anyone else have experience with this aspect of depression? Or grew up in a messy household?

 

[Dreamcolleger]

Hello, yes I grew up in a very cluttered home. I am up and down with keeping it clean, when I was getting closer to my CTB I cleaned quite a lot. I am behind on it again and I realised I've not been doing it because of depression. I didn't even know I was depressed back when I was working, but I lived in an unclean home because there was just no point.

 

[Now_And_Then]

I have just had a deep clean , because my flat was not in a good way . It isn't only my depression that causes this , I think I would be able to keep on top of it better if it was only my depression , but it is the OCD that keeps attacking my mind all the time . I can't even watch a movie of read a book comfortably , let alone tidy up

Before the deep clean ..... I can't describe

 

[ALittleBurden]

You're not alone and there are probably many people in here who understand this struggle, including me. I can live in complete mess for months. From my experience there just comes a time when I get a random wave of energy to clean something up, I hope this energy will come to you as well. About taking out the garbage - it may help your anxiety to do this late at night, when no one is around.

 

[Subhuman]

I feel you. I grew up with hoarders too. When I was really young my mom still tried to keep everything as neat and as clean as possible but when the amount of crap in our house became overwhelming, she sort of gave up and performed only the chores that were strictly necessary. She also sighed heavily the whole time whenever she was cleaning and already as a kid I quickly learned she was not to be approached while cleaning because she'd inevitably be in a foul mood. So not only did I never learn to tidy up and clean routinely, it was ingrained in me that chores were dreadful tasks meant to be put off for as long as possible.

What helped me was a book that undid my hoarding tendencies and fixed my relationship toward material possessions. After I got rid of all the unnecessary things that were cluttering up my living space, keeping it organized and clean became so much easier. Of course I had to first find the motivation to take the first step, and that was only possible at a point in my life when I wasn't that depressed. Honestly when I was severely depressed I wouldn't have cared enough to make an effort or even seek a solution in the first place.

Another crucial thing was living with or being around very neat people. Their ways sort of rubbed off on me. And after seeing them getting to something as soon as they noticed it needed to be cleaned or put away, I was able to shift from 'chores = self-inflicted torture' to 'hey, cleaning up is no biggie, especially if you get to it right away'. I had to work on it and keep reinforcing it but even though it didn't happen naturally it was still worth it.

Today I can't say I'm perfect but at least I can keep up with the tasks required for a livable space. Of course the more depressed I am the less I'm able to do. I deep clean only when I have the necessary motivation and energy but even when I don't feel like keeping everything sparkling clean at least I don't let it get as bad as it used to be. I had no idea anyone else struggled with taking out the garbage as well lol. But what works for me is I do it either super late at night or very early in the morning when there are no people around.

Idk if this will be of any usefulness to you. One thing that I'm sure of though is that you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. It's only natural to struggle with these things if you were brought up a certain way. Those who haven't lived like that might say that it doesn't take much to just pick up the trash and do the dishes, but it's not that simple. You're a good person, you shouldn't be ashamed just because you struggle with keeping your spaces tidy. That's something you can work on and overcome, but in the meantime please don't be so hard on yourself.

 

[Tabbyql]

You're not alone and there are probably many people in here who understand this struggle, including me. I can live in complete mess for months. From my experience there just comes a time when I get a random wave of energy to clean something up, I hope this energy will come to you as well. About taking out the garbage - it may help your anxiety to do this late at night, when no one is around.

Yeah I wait to put my rubbish out at night.

 

[deltahead]

i've never once cleaned anything in my life. it's usually common for the house to have one or more piles of dirty clothing on the floor. the clothes i usually wear are all completely torn and stitched up. most of the time i look like i've gone through a firing squad. all my "nice" clothes are saved for when i go out, and the rest is all stuff from when i was a kid, some of it that i probably still wear. it's funny when i have to greet family members like this. i shower 4 times a week, sometimes 3. i set entire days aside just for shaving or showering, because the idea of having to do anything else on top of that is unbearable. i'm completely unprepared for whatever the normal people version of all this is. i don't even want to live long enough to find out what it is.

 

[oopswronglife]

I can't live in filth or be filthy. I am so depressed I am mostly not functional but I have to clean myself and my stuff. It's intolerable to me otherwise. I've lived with hoarders and I cannot understand how they can stand it even if I know the underlying psychology. Life is hard enough without making it harder with lifestyle choices in my view so I need every bit of comfort I can get in that regard. It's not me demeaning those who can't manage to clean...I don't enjoy cleaning or anything...just saying I cannot live like that and my anxiety about filth and disorganization far outweighs any lack of motivation to clean. If I am ever called on to deal with the houses of some family, which I am sure will happen since they have ignored me in life but will surely try to fuck me over in their deaths, I think I will just burn the places down rather than even try to clean them.

 

[azucaramargo]

I am looking across my apartment right now. There's dishes everywhere with scraps in varying states of decay, clothes scattered about, mould in the sink, food wrappers and take away containers on the bench.

Regardless of if I try to stay clean, I end up too depressed to keep up with it, or to leave the apartment to take out the garbage. It's actually a huge point of anxiety and shame with me. I grew up with hoarder parents. And whilst I have no attachment to any of the crap I accumulate, cleaning doesn't come naturally to me at all.

Does anyone else have experience with this aspect of depression? Or grew up in a messy household?

Rocksandsand, THANK you for starting this thread!!!! Cleanliness has become a problem of epic proportions for me. I live in filth and I myself am filthy. If I arrive at work having showered AND having brushed my teeth beforehand, just consider it a miracle. I am so depressed I can't clean myself. And, I WORK in a loony bin. There are people in there who hear voices in their heads, but who still shower regularly. This is a big issue for me, too. I would post some pictures of the current state of my room, but my two closest SS chat buddies have already seen them. Hygiene and cleanliness, and consistency -- like you mentioned -- have just been so elusive.

I look back with fondness at the times when I felt motivated to put on makeup, etc. Now, I'm lucky to get out of the house -- reeking or not.

Hello, yes I grew up in a very cluttered home. I am up and down with keeping it clean, when I was getting closer to my CTB I cleaned quite a lot. I am behind on it again and I realised I've not been doing it because of depression. I didn't even know I was depressed back when I was working, but I lived in an unclean home because there was just no point.

Dreamcolleger, my mom read somewhere that parents should be concerned if kids all of a sudden start getting their rooms in order because that could be a sign that the kids have made peace with their decisions to ctb, etc.

I feel you. I grew up with hoarders too. When I was really young my mom still tried to keep everything as neat and as clean as possible but when the amount of crap in our house became overwhelming, she sort of gave up and performed only the chores that were strictly necessary. She also sighed heavily the whole time whenever she was cleaning and already as a kid I quickly learned she was not to be approached while cleaning because she'd inevitably be in a foul mood. So not only did I never learn to tidy up and clean routinely, it was ingrained in me that chores were dreadful tasks meant to be put off for as long as possible.

What helped me was a book that undid my hoarding tendencies and fixed my relationship toward material possessions. After I got rid of all the unnecessary things that were cluttering up my living space, keeping it organized and clean became so much easier. Of course I had to first find the motivation to take the first step, and that was only possible at a point in my life when I wasn't that depressed. Honestly when I was severely depressed I wouldn't have cared enough to make an effort or even seek a solution in the first place.

Another crucial thing was living with or being around very neat people. Their ways sort of rubbed off on me. And after seeing them getting to something as soon as they noticed it needed to be cleaned or put away, I was able to shift from 'chores = self-inflicted torture' to 'hey, cleaning up is no biggie, especially if you get to it right away'. I had to work on it and keep reinforcing it but even though it didn't happen naturally it was still worth it.

Today I can't say I'm perfect but at least I can keep up with the tasks required for a livable space. Of course the more depressed I am the less I'm able to do. I deep clean only when I have the necessary motivation and energy but even when I don't feel like keeping everything sparkling clean at least I don't let it get as bad as it used to be. I had no idea anyone else struggled with taking out the garbage as well lol. But what works for me is I do it either super late at night or very early in the morning when there are no people around.

Idk if this will be of any usefulness to you. One thing that I'm sure of though is that you shouldn't feel ashamed of it. It's only natural to struggle with these things if you were brought up a certain way. Those who haven't lived like that might say that it doesn't take much to just pick up the trash and do the dishes, but it's not that simple. You're a good person, you shouldn't be ashamed just because you struggle with keeping your spaces tidy. That's something you can work on and overcome, but in the meantime please don't be so hard on yourself.

Gorgeous post, Subhuman. I read it twice before replying. It was that good. I love the observations of your mom -- I see so much of myself in the way you write about her--sighing all throughout the chores, and performing only the most necessary of chores. I would like to be as enlightened as you. You've clearly done a lot of work. You know what I mean? Like, self-awareness work. The hard stuff that from which I usually run. Thanks for this post.

i've never once cleaned anything in my life. it's usually common for the house to have one or more piles of dirty clothing on the floor. the clothes i usually wear are all completely torn and stitched up. most of the time i look like i've gone through a firing squad. all my "nice" clothes are saved for when i go out, and the rest is all stuff from when i was a kid, some of it that i probably still wear. it's funny when i have to greet family members like this. i shower 4 times a week, sometimes 3. i set entire days aside just for shaving or showering, because the idea of having to do anything else on top of that is unbearable. i'm completely unprepared for whatever the normal people version of all this is. i don't even want to live long enough to find out what it is.

Deltahead, who does your stitching?

I can't live in filth or be filthy. I am so depressed I am mostly not functional but I have to clean myself and my stuff. It's intolerable to me otherwise. I've lived with hoarders and I cannot understand how they can stand it even if I know the underlying psychology. Life is hard enough without making it harder with lifestyle choices in my view so I need every bit of comfort I can get in that regard. It's not me demeaning those who can't manage to clean...I don't enjoy cleaning or anything...just saying I cannot live like that and my anxiety about filth and disorganization far outweighs any lack of motivation to clean. If I am ever called on to deal with the houses of some family, which I am sure will happen since they have ignored me in life but will surely try to fuck me over in their deaths, I think I will just burn the places down rather than even try to clean them.

Respect.

 

[deltahead]

my mom. she usually does everything, not that her efforts end up meaning much. it's impossible to keep this house clean or nice-looking or stocked with food. we have holes in the ceiling and a wall that's gone unplastered for a decade. it must be very agonizing to have your child turn out to be just as useless as your husband.

 

[Subhuman]

Gorgeous post, Subhuman. I read it twice before replying. It was that good. I love the observations of your mom -- I see so much of myself in the way you write about her--sighing all throughout the chores, and performing only the most necessary of chores. I would like to be as enlightened as you. You've clearly done a lot of work. You know what I mean? Like, self-awareness work. The hard stuff that from which I usually run. Thanks for this post.

You are so sweet, bless you! I am far from enlightened in any aspect of my life, like... light years from it. But thank you for your kind words :)

I'm really sorry you're having a hard time with your depression and with cleanliness. I can relate to that. I am prone to isolation to the point of not leaving the house for extended periods of time and when I was extremely depressed I used to go a long time between showers too. I genuinely didn't see the point of taking care of myself if no one was going to see me, you know what I mean? Now I shower at least once a day and it actually doesn't feel like a strenuous task that drains me of all energy. That too didn't happen overnight but I'm happy I put in that self-awareness work!

I know it's cliché to say that if I can do it you can too. But if I may offer some words of encouragement, I'd like to assure you that going within and being introspective is far less scary than we think it will be. Especially if you approach the process with compassion and kindness towards yourself. Of course not now that you're so depressed, but when the fog lifts you could try it. I have faith that you'd be successful if you put your mind to it. You certainly deserve better than your present circumstances <3

 

[cryptic_cynic]

You have no idea how bad I am with cleanliness with regards to my self and living spaces (when I'm lucky enough to have a place to live). It's far worse than anyone who has already posted. I would go into more detail, but I'm not really in the mood to be judged and reviled by random internet lurkers. The worst part is that it doesn't even bother me, honestly. I don't really give a fuck about such things.

 

[Baskol1]

Im relatevely clean, i would not stand a filthy house, i would feel even worse.

 

[Dreamcolleger]

Rocksandsand, THANK you for starting this thread!!!! Cleanliness has become a problem of epic proportions for me. I live in filth and I myself am filthy. If I arrive at work having showered AND having brushed my teeth beforehand, just consider it a miracle. I am so depressed I can't clean myself. And, I WORK in a loony bin. There are people in there who hear voices in their heads, but who still shower regularly. This is a big issue for me, too. I would post some pictures of the current state of my room, but my two closest SS chat buddies have already seen them. Hygiene and cleanliness, and consistency -- like you mentioned -- have just been so elusive.

I look back with fondness at the times when I felt motivated to put on makeup, etc. Now, I'm lucky to get out of the house -- reeking or not.

Dreamcolleger, my mom read somewhere that parents should be concerned if kids all of a sudden start getting their rooms in order because that could be a sign that the kids have made peace with their decisions to ctb, etc.

Gorgeous post, Subhuman. I read it twice before replying. It was that good. I love the observations of your mom -- I see so much of myself in the way you write about her--sighing all throughout the chores, and performing only the most necessary of chores. I would like to be as enlightened as you. You've clearly done a lot of work. You know what I mean? Like, self-awareness work. The hard stuff that from which I usually run. Thanks for this post.

Deltahead, who does your stitching?

Respect.

Wow I would not had thought things were like that based on how you post around here. I bet you can do it

 

[AShadowOnMe]

You have no idea how bad I am with cleanliness with regards to my self and living spaces (when I'm lucky enough to have a place to live). It's far worse than anyone who has already posted. I would go into more detail, but I'm not really in the mood to be judged and reviled by random internet lurkers. The worst part is that it doesn't even bother me, honestly. I don't really give a fuck about such things.

We're in the same boat my friend. I'm forcing myself to clean anything I can right now. I'm not going to be able to make it clean but I can at least make it not horrifying.

 

[azucaramargo]

my mom. she usually does everything, not that her efforts end up meaning much. it's impossible to keep this house clean or nice-looking or stocked with food. we have holes in the ceiling and a wall that's gone unplastered for a decade. it must be very agonizing to have your child turn out to be just as useless as your husband.

DELTAHEAD! Please! Be good to my friend Deltahead! To see you write that way about yourself -- and to see that sad picture on your Avatar... It makes me cry. Really. You are a good child and a good person. Please don't be so mean to yourself. You are wonderful.

Wow I would not had thought things were like that based on how you post around here. I bet you can do it

Hahahaha. "Based on how I post around here"? I got a kick out of that, Dreamcolleger. This site is my ultimate escape. Usually, I'm posting from a filthy room in a filthy body. xoxox

 

[blanketyblk]

I can't sleep with messy house everything needs to be put away and in it's place. i guess it is come kind of OCD, but i always will clean the house. will even get the vacuum out at 2-3am to clean the house yeah, crazy i know

 

[lilyeehaw]

My room can get messy at times recently been able to keep it clean though :)

Trying to shower is my downfall, This is embarassing to talk about. I stay in the house for long periods of time without going outside due to anxiety. I'm talking, months and when I do go out it's like one time for a few hours every few months then it's back to being inside again for months.
I will hardly show between them times.

Add depression and gender dysphoria to that and you got a recipe for disaster.

A lot of the time i don't have the energy or willpower to jump into the shower.

 

[Painted Bird]

I hate cleaning because it's so boring and depressing for me. Feels so pointless as the flat gets all dirty again really quickly. I vacuumed it earlier today, I'll do it again in 2 weeks or so. I wash the dishes almost every day, though.

 

[Hexen]

Oh yes I have the same problem. I have never lived like those people you see on youtube that haven't cleaned in 10 years but I did come a bit close. Sometimes I would end up with no usable plates, pots, pans, glasses and forks and spoons because they would be in the sink and I don't want to sift through that mess just to eat something in 5 mins so in the end I wouldn't make anything to eat. Dirty clothes all over the place, dust everywhere, clutter on every desk, sometimes trash from ordered food etc. When I get in that phase I let it happen for a bit because I feel really bad and physically unable to clean but eventually when you become sick of lying in bed it is important to wake yourself up and power through it and just clean that shit up. It makes a small difference but at least it does make some difference.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, that's the exact situation I'd be in right now if I didn't move back in with my parents.

 

[mathieu]

When I'm really depressed and often when I'm not I just can't bring myself to clean. The kitchen gets pretty filthy and the laundry piles up. I have a cleaner once a week now, government provided, so it only gets so bad.

 

[coma-baby]

My parents weren't hoarders, but our home was ways a wreck.
Shit would be everywhere after they fought. Shelves knocked over, picture frames broken, plates shattered. They were smokers too, so the walls were stale and dripping with nicotine sweat. My youngest sibling just became a teenager and they're still struggling to toilet train her, so the whole house smells like piss. Ashes and broken glass and pet hair and cat vomit were everywhere constantly. They would smoke while they cooked, so our kitchen counters were rarely cleaned. Clean laundry would sit in the baskets until it was worn and dirtied again. My dad worked long hours and came home and did what he could after cooking dinner. My mother is mentally ill (bpd, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, cptsd, etc.) and didn't clean as regularly as the house needed. They didn't teach me or my siblings how to properly clean. Neither of them had the energy to.
Due to us living in an apartment complex, once every couple of months they would spend all night and day deep cleaning so we wouldn't lose our home. The state of our home even after the deep cleaning still grubby and cluttered.

However, I always tried to micromanage the cleanliness of my room. It was my sanctuary. Physically and mentally. It was the cleanest room in the house. Yet the smell of smoke and piss and the lingering pet hair still kept my space under a coat of grime and stale disgustingness.

Moving out of the house a couple years ago, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep house. Thankfully, the man I moved in with came from a home the exact opposite of mine. His step mother always demanded things be clean and sterile. Like a picture from a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. He taught me how to clean.
There's things I'm still learning.

And during the days (... weeks.... months...) where my depression keeps me from doing the things he's taught me, my home starts to look like my parent's home.
It sickens me. I don't want to live in the mess anymore. It makes me feel like I'm still stuck there in all that misery. But my depression can immobilize me. At times, it won't even allow me to do things I enjoy doing for recreation. Cleanliness goes out of the window entirely. Usually however, this starts with me giving up on personal hygiene. And then it moves on to my house becoming disgusting.

Sorry for rambling. It's 3 AM here and I don't want to go to sleep yet. I have a feeling this wall of text wasn't super coherent.

 

[Baskol1]

My parents weren't hoarders, but our home was ways a wreck.
Shit would be everywhere after they fought. Shelves knocked over, picture frames broken, plates shattered. They were smokers too, so the walls were stale and dripping with nicotine sweat. My youngest sibling just became a teenager and they're still struggling to toilet train her, so the whole house smells like piss. Ashes and broken glass and pet hair and cat vomit were everywhere constantly. They would smoke while they cooked, so our kitchen counters were rarely cleaned. Clean laundry would sit in the baskets until it was worn and dirtied again. My dad worked long hours and came home and did what he could after cooking dinner. My mother is mentally ill (bpd, substance abuse, depression, anxiety, cptsd, etc.) and didn't clean as regularly as the house needed. They didn't teach me or my siblings how to properly clean. Neither of them had the energy to.
Due to us living in an apartment complex, once every couple of months they would spend all night and day deep cleaning so we wouldn't lose our home. The state of our home even after the deep cleaning still grubby and cluttered.

However, I always tried to micromanage the cleanliness of my room. It was my sanctuary. Physically and mentally. It was the cleanest room in the house. Yet the smell of smoke and piss and the lingering pet hair still kept my space under a coat of grime and stale disgustingness.

Moving out of the house a couple years ago, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to keep house. Thankfully, the man I moved in with came from a home the exact opposite of mine. His step mother always demanded things be clean and sterile. Like a picture from a Better Homes and Gardens magazine. He taught me how to clean.
There's things I'm still learning.

And during the days (... weeks.... months...) where my depression keeps me from doing the things he's taught me, my home starts to look like my parent's home.
It sickens me. I don't want to live in the mess anymore. It makes me feel like I'm still stuck there in all that misery. But my depression can immobilize me. At times, it won't even allow me to do things I enjoy doing for recreation. Cleanliness goes out of the window entirely. Usually however, this starts with me giving up on personal hygiene. And then it moves on to my house becoming disgusting.

Sorry for rambling. It's 3 AM here and I don't want to go to sleep yet. I have a feeling this wall of text wasn't super coherent.

Thereis a difference between a bit uncleanliness, and feces and piss on the floor! This is never acceptable, your parents were never fit to be parents. This is absolutely disgusting, and many animals are cleaner.

 

[coma-baby]

Thereis a difference between a but uncleanliness, and feces and piss on the floor! This is never acceptable, your parents were never fit to be parents. This is absolutely disgusting, and many animals are cleaner.

Huh...

Yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah, I keep slowly realizing how bad the situation at my parents' house is. I can't wait for my little brother to finish high school and get out of there.

 

[Baskol1]

Huh...

Yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah, I keep slowly realizing how bad the situation at my parents' house is. I can't wait for my little brother to finish high school and get out of there.

Why is there feces on the floor? Do they shit on the floor or what?

 

[coma-baby]

Why is there feces on the floor? Do they shit on the floor or what?

OHHHHH. No no. Sorry. When I typed "Shit would be everywhere after they fought." I meant like books and knick knacks and picture frames and stuff. Clutter.
But sometimes, our cats would fling literal shit out of their litterbox when it got too full. :( BUT for the most part, there wasn't literal feces on the floor.

The piss part was literal though. My sister would sit in her chair or on the couch and wouldn't want to get up from what she was doing (usually watching something or playing a video game) and would hold it until she pissed herself. She still does that pretty regularly from what I've heard from my family.

But yeah. Sorry for the confusion! Usually I'm pretty literally minded too, so I try to avoid these mix ups.

 

[Baskol1]

OHHHHH. No no. Sorry. When I typed "Shit would be everywhere after they fought." I meant like books and knick knacks and picture frames and stuff. Clutter.
But sometimes, our cats would fling literal shit out of their litterbox when it got too full. :( BUT for the most part, there wasn't literal feces on the floor.

The piss part was literal though. My sister would sit in her chair or on the couch and wouldn't want to get up from what she was doing (usually watching something or playing a video game) and would hold it until she pissed herself. She still does that pretty regularly from what I've heard from my family.

But yeah. Sorry for the confusion! Usually I'm pretty literally minded too, so I try to avoid these mix ups.

Oh good, i tought they were hoarders, so its bad, but not THAT bad. And yes, thats not normal to piss yourself in that age.

 

[HGL91]

@coma-baby How many kids did your parents have??

 

[coma-baby]

@coma-baby How many kids did your parents have??

Four kids.

But we also had three cats and a dog.
And there were times where my older brother had his girlfriend and/or his son living with us. It's a three bedroom apartment.

They currently have two kids living at home, six cats, and the same dog. And I think my older brother is staying there as well currently? I'm unsure. We think he's back on meth and he's doing a lot of couch surfing.