chronic suicidality

[nembutal]

the good old Columbia questionnaire.
"Have you had suicidal thoughts and had some intention of acting on them?"

and what do i, someone who always considers suicide an option, say? i say no, because im not willing to spend tonight in the ER, being prodded by the same questions over and over again. and therefore my suicidality as a symptom is dismissed and my care moving forward is extremely unproductive.

mh professionals seem to ignore the existence of chronic suicidality. those who struggle with it each and every day, who would die at the blink of an eye if given a chance. these people are then placed into a health system catered to acute suicidal patients, and ignore the fact that to you, suicidal intent is as prevalent as taking a breath.

i'm bothered, and im stuck. it's been 6 months of hardcore NEETing, 6 months of legitimate purposelessness. no one i speak to understands the existence of CONSTANT suicidality, CONSTANT call to the void, CONSTANT feelings of hopelessness and defeat.

i don't know what to do, and that's why i am here. there are no answers for us, those who get persistent thoughts of suicide anytime they aren't preoccupied with civilian life.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I completely agree with you. I find it odd the way ideation and mental health in general seems to be treated. Like all of it is severe and all of it is intrusive.

I haven't had many dealings with mental healthcare to be honest. But, when I was put in touch with a helpline after the IC SN welfare checks, the (nice) lady said- 'Don't you think we should talk about these intrusive thoughts you've been having?' I wanted to reply- 'They're not intrusive. I've had them to varying degrees for 34 years. They're a part of my 'normal' thought process now.' But then- I thought that may disturb them even more! They probably don't like the idea that we experience this as normal.

 

[cait_sith]

I really hate to constantly think about suicide, its steady background noise to whatever I am doing, it feels like it's my own fault for spending so much time obsessing over it that it's the only thing left in my brain. I feel like my body is shutting down preemptively as a result of it, like it's saying "oh, you gonna kill me anyway, might as well be tired all the time" I hate being fucked up like that, I hate having physical yearning for death

 

[lizzywizzy09]

I can think of nothing else. If anything, the fleeting positive thought feels more intrusive, I refuse to be tricked into thinking everything is going to be okay ever again.

 

[DeadManLiving]

It's been constant for me since sentience, but accelerating rapidly each day and year onwards, I can feel the cumulative weight of the anticipatory grief of my death become evermore real by day now that it could be any day soon.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Right there with you guys!

For me it's like the intrusive thoughts and the overwhelming urge kill myself are layered on top of the normal want. The impulsive want and need to kms are what I still fight in that moment, and they mostly have a clear cause or trigger. Being shitty circumstances mostly.

The rest of the time suicidal thoughts are just there. Always been. I go to work, need to cross a busy road and think 'I could throw myself in front of that car. Or that one. Oh no too small. Ohh big and sturdy! Ah it's clear, lets cross.' Nearly every damn crossing for the past 20 years.. Can't call it intrustive. It's always there. I'm used to it. Like a kneejerk. See a knife? 'Shiiiny. Sharppp. Hmm. I'd go deep pretty easily. I think I'd like an apple.'

I wonder what to put in my goodbye note while I'm cooking dinner. I wonder what hotel I'd be comfortable enough in that isn't shabby, or too high end while cleaning.
The endless battle between how did I fool myself in thinking there was hope and what if I was right and there's some left. Can I fool myself in believing I can suppress it, push it so far down I pay less attention to it?

Flat tire on my bike? I could fix it, kill myself or bring it to the bicycle repairshop.


And then the common questions
"when did you first start having theses thoughts?"
Well that I know off? About 9 years old that I remember.

"And when did they come back?"
Uhhm.. They didn't. They never... left...?

"No I mean when else did you feel like ending your life?"
Uuh yeah all the time in varying decrees...?

"Why didn't you seek help??"
Well... why would I. It's normal to me. You mean other people don't constantly think about it...?


Weird idea..

 

[kyhoti]

It flavors everything I do. It reminds me that I don't matter, every day, just slipping in to the chinks of my armor. I start to try and it reminds me that trying is futile, that I'm on a fixed path. Happy thought? CTB. Sad thought? CTB. Hungry, tired, lonely, just go where you know you must. It's exhausting.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

I feel the same way, it's very normal to me to think about dying every day. On top of that, I also think about my boyfriend dying and how I would react. I think a lot about when others around me will die and from what.

My pets have an illness? I wonder if it will kill them and how destroyed I'll be. Travelling on the car with my boyfriend? I wonder if we'll be in an accident and he dies, the only person keeping me alive.

He's angry at something and his heart is beating fast? I wonder if he'll have a heart attack and leave me alone in this world.

Just came back from buying cough syrup and spent the drive home daydreaming about doom. It's common for me to be on the verge of tears all the time. Can't feel happy, can't remember happy memories, constantly thinking about dying or people around me dying and me being left alone in this world.

 

[permanently tired]

Mh "professionals" are ignorant and unhelpful in my experience. The only way you'll be able to do anything is to accept it and move on with whatever time you have before the inevitable happens. Fighting the anguish will only exhaust and isolate you from others. I don't talk abt it anymore as it makes people uncomfortable. I give them the person they want. Maybe this is not the answer you were looking for and it's not, but this is what I do and it works to some extent.