Venting Chronic pain

[Vlad Tepes]

Im in so much physical pain every day it drives me fucking crazy. Both of my parents have physical conditions, my mom to the point that Im not sure how shes even alive. The list of things physically wrong with that woman could be sold as a horror novel. That woman is severely disabled and pretty much bedbound, and when I was a kid she spent more time in the hospital than at home. Im an 18 year old who weighs just over 60 kg but I have the mobility, strength, and cardiovascular endurance of an 80 year old morbidly obese man. Ive inherited my parents' physical disabilities and Ive always been incredibly ill-constituted (to the point where I had bloodwork done because I genuinely thought I might have been hypoganadal; turns out my hormone production is fine, its just my genes that are screwed). As in, I cannot do a single pushup, and the first and only time Ive ever stepped foot inside a gym I literally could not get the empty barbell (20 kg, or 45 pounds) off the rack. When I was younger I used to play a lot of guitar and just doing that was enough to obliterate my arms.

And its gotten worse and worse to the point where, when I tried going to school at 17, I noticed my physical condition had deteroriated to the point that after I came home from school I'd feel like I just got out of a fucking MMA match. The pain drove me crazy and was one of the reasons I dropped out. Even my ability to go on my much beloved walks has significantly decreased, to where Im on the verge of collapsing after an hour of pacing. Its to the point that its probably impossible for me to ever get a job even if I wanted to, because lord knows a white collar job would never hire a high school dropout like me, and a job that would require me to even so much as just stand around (like a retail worker) would completely fry me, much less anything actually "blue-collar", which I would be completely incapable of doing even in principle. Even if I worked a sedentary desk job I would still be fucked considering how just going to school for a bit was enough to obliterate my body. Shit, even being at home but not laying flat on my bed hurts. Its going to be a matter of time before I end up becoming a literal vegetable like my mom. Ive always noticed my physical deficiencies, of course, but it's only very recently that I've spent a whole lot of time thinking about them, and it's doing a lot to make me want to ctb because yeah Im a ticking time bomb. In the timeline where I make it to 25, I would be very surprised if Im not immobile by that point. Ive thought about going to a doctor, but I know damn well that I would develop a world-class addiction to whatever they put me on. And, considering my mom's physical condition, I'd frankly rather prefer that the doctors just euthanize me. I doubt they'd be able to do much.

 

[LighthouseHermit]

Your message made me cry.

I'm so sorry that you are in so much pain. Pain destroys you to the core of your existence

I hope this hug at least makes you feel understood. You are in my thoughts.

 

[Kitsune_BCN]

I feel you. Theres something called "divided attention" wich basically means that if your brain was a computer, the pain signal takes so much resources that it doesnt leave space to let u do things or focus. After years u become utterly energy drained. Im so tired that i cant even think properly.

I alwas was the "nervous" guy. Working with the computer but standing up from the chair every 10 minutes. Ppls used to say to me "plz sit down"

Now i only eat trash food for dinner because i cant cook myself something healthy

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

they purposefully made all guaranteed painless suicide methods into crimes like Nembutal, hiring someone to assist u with suicide, sarco suicide pod etc.

it's pure evil to torture those that are suffering extreme torture and want to leave this hell but can't because they made hiring someone to assist you a crime etc.

1.5 million people attempt suicide per year in the U.S. with brutal risky methods. that's only one country 4% of the world population. this show how bad life is .

 

[socksnsandles]

I feel you. Theres something called "divided attention" wich basically means that if your brain was a computer, the pain signal takes so much resources that it doesnt leave space to let u do things or focus. After years u become utterly energy drained. Im so tired that i cant even think properly.

I alwas was the "nervous" guy. Working with the computer but standing up from the chair every 10 minutes. Ppls used to say to me "plz sit down"

Now i only eat trash food for dinner because i cant cook myself something healthy

this sums it up well. ive lost my ability to focus on anything. if i get dinner, i pick somewhere the food comes out quick and i the bill gets paid quick, cuz dead time= not distracted time= cant try my best to ignore pain. chronic pain is really humbling because you realize for the first time just how much of a privilege it is to do something stupid like, waiting in a line at the dmv, without pain