Discussion Christmas New Year makes me suicidal

[attheend13]

I've spent this year trying to rally. Trying to find things to look forward to. Trying to try. But here's Christmas again. My BF got angry that I got him something because now he feels obligated to get me something. It's a burden. I'm a burden. I was feeling good about having something special made. He said he will get me an Amazon gift card. He's so put out by it I told him I can't return it it's personalized. It feels so awful to be an outward burden. I feel like such a fool.

The level of fakery required at this time of year so you don't bring anyone else down is exhausting. It is the loneliest I feel all year surrounded by people laughing smiling exchanging gifts and love. I'm like a ghost in the corner. I've accepted that it isn't out there for me. I'm so tired of trying not to take up space of any kind.

I don't want to face another year. I should tell him get me some SN, don't even have to wrap it. Or maybe a good long strong rope. But you can't say that. I've always been a burden to those around me. I'm the kind of person who comes in a room any people roll their eyes. Here's the storm cloud come to steal happiness. It's true. But it still hurts. The feeling inside me is hollow. Like a giant black hole that is sucking in all it touches. I'm poison. I hate the holidays so much.

 

[softgirlluna]

Christmas feels extra lonely because it's taboo to show any negativity. Even when surrounded by people, or maybe especially, it feels super isolating because you have to pretend to be okay just until it's over.

Your boyfriend doesn't seem like he's handling it great - but people tend to be stressed that they're obligated to do something which kinda sucks. It will be over soon. Then you can be more relaxed. Hope things go okay.

 

[Yume Nikki]

I hate the holidays because of the toxic positivity surrounding the Christmas season where you are expected to be happy due to family and friends. I was planning on celebrating the season with my ex and buying him a gift but he dumped me before December even came around. Now I feel isolated and alone. I didn't even purchase a gift for anyone, nor did I put up any decorations. I also refused to listen to holiday music. I'm only here to spend time with my family and that's about it.

 

[attheend13]

I hate the holidays because of the toxic positivity surrounding the Christmas season where you are expected to be happy due to family and friends. I was planning on celebrating the season with my ex and buying him a gift but he dumped me before December even came around. Now I feel isolated and alone. I didn't even purchase a gift for anyone, nor did I put up any decorations. I also refused to listen to holiday music. I'm only here to spend time with my family and that's about it.

Yah I'm going through the motions on the fringes of everyone's lives. They all made their plans I'm an after thought

 

[nogods4me]

The holidays are always a brutal reminder of how vacuous most of my relations with other humans are but it is so predictable for me now that it hardly makes a difference anymore.

I do not invest in any new human relationships because they will involve someone who is severely dysfunctional who will waste my time with almost entirely anonymous interactions or predatory attempts to abuse me. Healthy people won't want to have any interactions with me since I am comprised of a bunch of variables that almost never come together in one person, rendering me slightly relatable to many but fully relatable to none.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I find winter to be quite difficult in general. Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's… none of them are fun.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Hey there, your post made me tear up reading it. You sound like you're so full of love but don't receive any in return. I'm so sorry youre struggling and view yourself in such a negative light.

Please dump your boyfriend. I don't know what your past relationships have been like, but that is NOT normal. Becoming angry with you and guilting you over buying him a present (a personalized one, so you really tried to make it special!) is emotional abuse. You deserve somebody who treats you well. Normal boyfriends love making their girlfriends happy, and part of that is buying gifts around the holidays.

You sound like such a sweet person. That is a strength many, MANY others don't have. I'd hate for the woeld to lose you.

 

[attheend13]

I hate the holidays because of the toxic positivity surrounding the Christmas season where you are expected to be happy due to family and friends. I was planning on celebrating the season with my ex and buying him a gift but he dumped me before December even came around. Now I feel isolated and alone. I didn't even purchase a gift for anyone, nor did I put up any decorations. I also refused to listen to holiday music. I'm only here to spend time with my family and that's about it.

I hear you. It's just become sad one thing I've had to get daily for. Please please please can it just be pleasant even happy, but it's not worth a moments effort for me. Not one single second of effort. It hurts so deeply. I ask for nothing. I took a huge risk and asked my partner and family for some togetherness to decorate and after 5 attempts I was told just do it yourself a little at a time. It's a colassal effort to do anything for me. I'm fucking sick of it.

Hey there, your post made me tear up reading it. You sound like you're so full of love but don't receive any in return. I'm so sorry youre struggling and view yourself in such a negative light.

Please dump your boyfriend. I don't know what your past relationships have been like, but that is NOT normal. Becoming angry with you and guilting you over buying him a present (a personalized one, so you really tried to make it special!) is emotional abuse. You deserve somebody who treats you well. Normal boyfriends love making their girlfriends happy, and part of that is buying gifts around the holidays.

You sound like such a sweet person. That is a strength many, MANY others don't have. I'd hate for the woeld to lose you.

I know he's not good for me but it's recent that I woke up to it. I have no money and my daughter is grown but dependent on me. I have no safe space anymore. I feel like I'm unraveling a bit at a time. As bad as it gets it gets worse. How can that be? No matter what I throw at things I get the same steaming pile of crap back. Giving up is the only option left

 

[attheend13]

I find winter to be quite difficult in general. Christmas, New Year's, Valentine's… none of them are fun.

It's true. I'm in a relationship but he won't acknowledge or celebrate anything with me. I've slowly woken up to how little he knows about me or wants to know. I've been so busy taking care of him I didn't notice he has never taken care of me. I'm a utility to him. Replaceable. All the holidays are reminders of what life has been reduced to. Other people put out to have to pretend to celebrate. It just hurts so much.

 

[whatcouldofbeen]

im with you girl, especially if you got your birthday coupled in....man to be 19 again.

and also regarding your boyfriend, Unfortunately i may have done something similar in sentiment to him, please take it from the other side and truthfully most of the time we are just plain stupid/emotionally neglectful and dont bother to stop and think about our action/inaction. Take whatever solace you can in knowing that its probably not intentional but the sentiment of "oh he doesnt even care about me enough to consider my feelings" may open a new can of worms.... all i can say is that hes probably just cruising on ignorant autopilot not doing it out of malice

 

[attheend13]

The holidays are always a brutal reminder of how vacuous most of my relations with other humans are but it is so predictable for me now that it hardly makes a difference anymore.

I do not invest in any new human relationships because they will involve someone who is severely dysfunctional who will waste my time with almost entirely anonymous interactions or predatory attempts to abuse me. Healthy people won't want to have any interactions with me since I am comprised of a bunch of variables that almost never come together in one person, rendering me slightly relatable to many but fully relatable to none.

I chose someone who love bombed me, used me and then just started treating me like furniture. But I chose it and thought it was right. I'm the real problem.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

It's true. I'm in a relationship but he won't acknowledge or celebrate anything with me. I've slowly woken up to how little he knows about me or wants to know. I've been so busy taking care of him I didn't notice he has never taken care of me. I'm a utility to him. Replaceable. All the holidays are reminders of what life has been reduced to. Other people put out to have to pretend to celebrate. It just hurts so much.

I chose someone who love bombed me, used me and then just started treating me like furniture. But I chose it and thought it was right. I'm the real problem.

That's not your fault. Do not blame yourself for how things turned out.

I don't have much experiences with relationships so I don't really know how to give advice for that sort of thing, but your situation does not sound great. I hope things get better for you.