choosing a date & method

[hi-okbye]

I was supposed to ctb today, according to my last schedule. I changed my mind a while back though. I decided to keep moving forward, not deciding to not ctb at all, but moving the date foward.
me and my mom planned a trip to a mountain at the end of December, i decided to ctb after that trip, so we could enjoy our time together on a final trip as well as the holidays. I hate that it means i have to live for my partners birthday though (he's dead), i know it's going to crush me but it's right in between the holidays. i'll probably ctb after new years i hope.
part of me is still hopeful of having a deadly disease of some sort. i've been having some issues with worsening severe headaches (i've had them for months), and a bit of trouble breathing sometimes as well as other small issues. i scheduled a doctors appointment in a few weeks to see what's going on actually.
i just really don't want to ctb, like i want to pass away, but i don't want me to be the one to do it. i really just want to be in a tragic accident or something, so i don't have to put the pressure of ctb on my parents, it would crush them :/
the date change gives me about a month to consider a new method and finish some things. i scratched the lake idea (going into a lake high and freezing or drowning) unfortunately because it'll just be to long to rely on the medications anymore (i left the liquid opioid in a bush near the lake, i don't think it's reliable now). i'm considering hanging or SN. I'm really trying to get SN, just having trouble getting it sent, as well as the other medications. I would consider other methods so i'm re-researching everything to see if i have access to something that i didn't have before.

just a little rant and update i guess, thanks for reading :)
if anyone has other ideas let me know

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

I hope you can find peace soon enough. Hopefully your trip will be enjoyable for you and everything goes how you want.

 

[justcallmeJ]

Nice of you going on that final trip with your mom, I wish you the best <3

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck with your plans, I hope that you eventually find the peace you search for.

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

I hate that it means i have to live for my partners birthday though (he's dead), i know it's going to crush me but it's right in between the holidays. i'll probably ctb after new years i hope.

Yes, it's really hard. I felt the tension inside me growing until that day. On the day itself I felt extremely sad. After it was over I at least felt relieve that I don't have to experience that again (soon). I wish you a lot of strength getting trough this period and I guess he will be watching over you.

Regarding ctb methods, I personally prefer inert gas, but I guess that's not an option in your situation.

 

[hi-okbye]

Yes, it's really hard. I felt the tension inside me growing until that day. On the day itself I felt extremely sad. After it was over I at least felt relieve that I don't have to experience that again (soon). I wish you a lot of strength getting trough this period and I guess he will be watching over you.

Regarding ctb methods, I personally prefer inert gas, but I guess that's not an option in your situation.

i'm sorry you had to go through that as well, many hugs to you <3
i was planning to make a birthday card for him and just put it by his memorial, i enjoy doing art and being creative, maybe it would make me feel a little better.

i considered that method even considered getting it, it's just a lot to purchase, and would be hard to hide and stuff. thank you so much though <3

 

[NoFutureAnymore]

i was planning to make a birthday card for him and just put it by his memorial, i enjoy doing art and being creative, maybe it would make me feel a little better.

That sounds like a beautiful idea. It's very personal from you to him, I don't know him, but I guess he would like it.

 

[warm dreams]

The dilemma is that the personality of a suicide is divided into two parts: the victim and the killer. We are all on this forum ready to die, want to die, some even dream of dying. But no one wants to kill. Even if we are talking about killing ourselves. I heard these thoughts from a psychologist in the rescue service on YouTube. Therefore, I understand you very much. I have been praying to God for years that I would get cancer. So that I don't have to kill myself. I want to die. I don't want to exist in this world. But none of us are ready to be killers.

Hope you find what you are looking for. I'm glad to hear news from you.

 

[hi-okbye]

That sounds like a beautiful idea. It's very personal from you to him, I don't know him, but I guess he would like it.

thank you <3
and maybe i'm not sure. i like to think so

 

[hi-okbye]

The dilemma is that the personality of a suicide is divided into two parts: the victim and the killer. We are all on this forum ready to die, want to die, some even dream of dying. But no one wants to kill. Even if we are talking about killing ourselves. I heard these thoughts from a psychologist in the rescue service on YouTube. Therefore, I understand you very much. I have been praying to God for years that I would get cancer. So that I don't have to kill myself. I want to die. I don't want to exist in this world. But none of us are ready to be killers.

Hope you find what you are looking for. I'm glad to hear news from you.

thank you <33, this makes a lot of sense actually. don't know if you saw my other update but i actually ended up ordering SN! i'm really excited for it. personally i'm on the side of dreaming of dying. i actually had a dream of buying SN and taking it. when i woke up, for some reason that dream gave me the motivation to finally actually get it. and i'm so sorry for what your going through too, i wish you the best <333