I was called all kinds of things, mostly to do with how ugly I was. And how my face made them want to vomit.
Other people hated me for no reason and made fun of my every move. Even though I barely said two words to or about anyone else.
I never really said anything back either, I would tell my two closer friends about some of it. One witnessed it once in the cafeteria where a group of older kids were mocking me and making puke sounds, scoffing at me just for walking into the room. It was so obvious. Even with my low self esteem I was still shocked.
My 'friend' wasnt any good with comforting me about it though, she was too absorbed in her own self and the fact that she didn't have to experience what I did. It was no sooner that she started to shake me off like I was some disease.
My other friend told me "who cares", which I'm guessing is because she's had to deal with her own shit and didn't want to listen to mine.
So I didn't have anyone stick up for me or really acknowledge what I was going through.
I was too taken aback to say anything myself. Even though I thought all kinds of things and dreamt of physically assualting them..because I was sick of words, the underhanded cliquey bullshit, I wanted to face them head on and fight like boys do.
I wish now that I would have confronted them, even if it meant being made fun of even more. I did have a few mild acts of insurgence towards their actions-usually when they started to pick on someone other than me- but they were not enough.
Some of the people who said things behind my back, I felt bad for.
Even though they made it clear how pitiful I was to them.
I still pitied them right back because if I threw some of their own words back at them, they would have rung true and I didn't think it was right to be cruel about anyone's appearance. However cruel they were about mine.
Now it's over a decade later.
I've ran the gamut of being invisible to putting people off just by existing. (Also, no one really gives a shit if this is the kind of issue you deal with. They just rake you over the coals with platitudes.)
I've had things happen to me that have physically made my appearance even worse. And destroyed any good thing I had going for me.
I have been trapped behind my face and body this whole time.
I could no longer function after a certain point when my looks never got better. I didn't turn from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan. No fairytale here, no "look at me now", just a continuous nightmare.
All my hardwork in school down the drain. My path to a higher education, which was a lot brighter than any of the people who bullied me..gone.
I put more effort and care into academics than anything else because it's all I had.
But I burned out.
Because I didn't have the basic human comfort in my own skin.
So now not only am I the most unattractive I have ever been in my life, I also have nothing.
My relationships are broken or have disappeared entirely.
All my potential for a future is squandered.
All my youth has fallen through my fingers like ash.
My "bullies"-of whom if don't think are deserving of that significant a title-have likely forgotten all about me, the same conclusion you've come to about yours. (My "friends" the same)
But I have not forgotten about them, I don't think you can forget the faces of the people who beat you when you were already down.
Anyone who ever said a bad word about me would LOVE to see me now.
I would make their day.
This is more than they could have ever hoped for. And there's nothing I can do about it.
They're all posting pretty pictures on Instagram and boasting about their accomplishments on FB, living their lives. Doing it all.
While I have rotted in isolation, unable to do a single solitary thing except somehow manage to make my appearance even worse.
From trying to fix it to fluke accidents,
my life has become one cruel joke and I am the punchline.
And no, their words never left me either. Nor did most words that took aim at my looks, even by well-meaning family members.
But their words aren't the reason I am so screwed up. It's the truth in their words, that was there before they said a damn thing, that ended my life prematurely.
I got the shit end of the stick and just couldn't shake it. Everyone around me just made it less bearable, and turned my tragedy into their comedy.
There are people who have my type of issue who can get through it, but I am not one of them.
Sorry ya know, this is my thing, my button, that Achilles heel that everyone has regarding one aspect of life or another.
If my personality and who I am cannot identify with what I look like, then I am as good as dead.
I want freedom. I want harmony, not insufferable dissonance.
I can't focus on anything when I am in a constant battle with my body,
I had A LOT of other things I wanted to do with my life rather than worry about this.
Dreams that were shot down one by one.
Even the simple things in life can no longer be enjoyed.
This is the last problem I ever wanted to have.
Like everyone says, looks aren't everything. But neither is anything else.
No ONE thing can be EVERYthing.
But I see it like this, we've all got quite a few vital organs.
Just because my heart isn't everything, it doesn't mean I don't need it as much as my brain or my liver or anything else.
I die without one, even when all of those other organs are still there fighting.
It's indefensible the way people have to shame and bully others because of things out of someone's control. As if anyone in that predicament needs any additional Hell to wade through.
I'm so sorry you have had to deal with this in your own way, and that you were unable to find yourself in the position to do much about it, simply because you were the bigger and better person.
