Venting childhood abuse from another child?

[mmh4]

I am almost 24 and I am just now struggling with the memories of my abnormal childhood. I grew up in a very small town (less than 100 people live there), and I was pretty much the only young girl, so my group of friends were all boys. There was one boy in particular that 'led the show'. He did most of it. We ran around town pretty much unsupervised with lots of hiding spots. I watched a lot of things and did a lot of things a girl that young should never do. Most of the time it happened with my younger brother around. The boys were only 1-2 years older than me, so I feel like they weren't aware of what they were doing? I don't think I feel mad, mostly confused, and now I'm wondering how many of my decisions were subconsciously made by the broken girl inside of me throughout my life? I feel like this whole time I thought I was in control, I was actually being controlled by my experiences, and didn't even realize it. It has been eating at my brain from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep.

 

[nerve]

I was sexually abused by my older brother when I was in elementary school. Figuring out where the trauma ends and I begin is always a challenge. I feel fundamentally broken a lot of the time, like I'm missing a really important part of myself.

Our brains don't really care whether or not an abuser understood what they were doing. That doesn't change the way trauma alters the brain. My mother said that I shouldnt be upset about being abused because my brother was a kid too. Hearing it out loud helped me realize how totally weird and incorrect that is.

The scared and hurt kid in me only starts taking control when I'm panicking or feel cornered by life. I think that's true of a lot of people. You're still a three dimensional person with all sorts of variables influencing what you do.

I thought it would feel self-pitying and dramatic to try to relate to my inner child deliberately, but it was worth the trouble. It doesn't make any of the pain go away, but I think every kid deserves an adult watching out for them and if I have to do that myself now, so be it.

(This is the first time I've talked about my abuse here. I'd prefer it if neither of us had to deal with it at all, but thank you for giving me an opening. Processing it in ways other than thinking helps me a lot.)

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Our brains don't really care whether or not an abuser understood what they were doing. That doesn't change the way trauma alters the brain.

This.