Venting Chickened out last night

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I was feeling completely apathetic, hopeless, and empty. I was so fed up with life and being alive. When i went up to my room after my shower last night, i grabbed the rope that holds back the curtains, hung it around my neck, and then hung it around the doorknob. I sat down and let myself be limp for a few seconds, then tried to hang even more limply when i realized i could still breathe, and after trying for a few more seconds yanked the rope off my neck and lied down on the ground breathing fast. I stayed on the ground for a few minutes just thinking about what I'd done and, I realized that if it had been any easier/faster for me to stop breathing i probably would've died right then and there, for my family to find the next day. Attempting suicide is exhausting emotionally so i put the rope back and went straight to sleep. Woke up not feeling as apathetic as yesterday and realizing the gravity of what I've done, and how much easier it's going to be for me to attempt again. When the rope got tighter it felt really nice, and i could almost picture me blacking out and never waking up. Today's been a complete shitshow and i lowkey feel like attempting again, but I'll probably self harm instead. Can't really vent about attempting suicide to my friends lol so this place is all i got

 

[21Neberg]

It's always good to vent here, don't worry! I wish I could vent to my real life friends about my self harm and thoughts about suicide too, but this forum is all I've got and they will never know.

I have respect for what you did, even though you didn't get further than an attempt. It takes a lot of power to even take the steps you too - going as far as to put the rope around your neck and push down. Let's look at the positive side - you've got more experience now that'll come in useful next time!

 

[therhydler]

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad :( I get what you mean about attempting being draining emotionally, but at the same time I feel a bit calmer every time I attempt as I get used to the feeling... I hope that if you do decide to end it that it will be from a calmer place. Hugs for you

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

It's always good to vent here, don't worry! I wish I could vent to my real life friends about my self harm and thoughts about suicide too, but this forum is all I've got and they will never know.

I have respect for what you did, even though you didn't get further than an attempt. It takes a lot of power to even take the steps you too - going as far as to put the rope around your neck and push down. Let's look at the positive side - you've got more experience now that'll come in useful next time!

Thank you, it means a lot my dude

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad :( I get what you mean about attempting being draining emotionally, but at the same time I feel a bit calmer every time I attempt as I get used to the feeling... I hope that if you do decide to end it that it will be from a calmer place. Hugs for you

Thank you too, *hugs*

 

[15dec]

This forum is all I have too so I'm glad you can vent and get support here as well. I'm sorry you've been feeling that way but I'm glad you're feeling a bit less apathetic now. Hopefully your day will get better but if not we're always here for you. Sending hugs

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

This forum is all I have too so I'm glad you can vent and get support here as well. I'm sorry you've been feeling that way but I'm glad you're feeling a bit less apathetic now. Hopefully your day will get better but if not we're always here for you. Sending hugs

*hugs* thank you so much, i'm so glad i'm able to talk to people on this forum who get it and don't judge me

 

[couragetodie]

I think this forum is one of the only places in the world where we can talk about this subject.

 

[lost_soul83]

I am also extremely grateful for this site. Ive been seriously considering ctb since my brother's death in October and reading all the resources I can to try and plan out a successful attempt. I don't wanna have to try again.....so I'm thankful that I have all of you. No one else knows I'm having these thoughts and feelings but you guys on here. I can't twll them or they'll try and stop me and I don't want that. So thanks to all of you that have talked to me, liked my posts and posted information for me to read. I think my death should be my choice, so I'm taking things into my own hands. Hopefully I'll be gone soon. I just can't stand all the physical and emotional pain anymore....

 

[LongSeason]

I was feeling completely apathetic, hopeless, and empty. I was so fed up with life and being alive. When i went up to my room after my shower last night, i grabbed the rope that holds back the curtains, hung it around my neck, and then hung it around the doorknob. I sat down and let myself be limp for a few seconds, then tried to hang even more limply when i realized i could still breathe, and after trying for a few more seconds yanked the rope off my neck and lied down on the ground breathing fast. I stayed on the ground for a few minutes just thinking about what I'd done and, I realized that if it had been any easier/faster for me to stop breathing i probably would've died right then and there, for my family to find the next day. Attempting suicide is exhausting emotionally so i put the rope back and went straight to sleep. Woke up not feeling as apathetic as yesterday and realizing the gravity of what I've done, and how much easier it's going to be for me to attempt again. When the rope got tighter it felt really nice, and i could almost picture me blacking out and never waking up. Today's been a complete shitshow and i lowkey feel like attempting again, but I'll probably self harm instead. Can't really vent about attempting suicide to my friends lol so this place is all i got

First of all, nice picture.
Pretty much, the same thing happened to me this summer: I set up everything for full suspension but then I pussied out after i had tightened the knot around my neck.
I wish I had killed myself then, even though I have met new people and found out about some great music I would have not known then.
Reality is what it is and I was too much of a coward to ultimately do it so here I am.

 

[throwaway123]

I was feeling completely apathetic, hopeless, and empty. I was so fed up with life and being alive. When i went up to my room after my shower last night, i grabbed the rope that holds back the curtains, hung it around my neck, and then hung it around the doorknob. I sat down and let myself be limp for a few seconds, then tried to hang even more limply when i realized i could still breathe, and after trying for a few more seconds yanked the rope off my neck and lied down on the ground breathing fast. I stayed on the ground for a few minutes just thinking about what I'd done and, I realized that if it had been any easier/faster for me to stop breathing i probably would've died right then and there, for my family to find the next day. Attempting suicide is exhausting emotionally so i put the rope back and went straight to sleep. Woke up not feeling as apathetic as yesterday and realizing the gravity of what I've done, and how much easier it's going to be for me to attempt again. When the rope got tighter it felt really nice, and i could almost picture me blacking out and never waking up. Today's been a complete shitshow and i lowkey feel like attempting again, but I'll probably self harm instead. Can't really vent about attempting suicide to my friends lol so this place is all i got

I don't have any friends :(
Nobody wants to talk to me. Not even here. :(((((

 

[LongSeason]

I don't have any friends :(
Nobody wants to talk to me. Not even here. :(((((

I'm sure there's plenty of people that would like to talk, at least in here.

 

[ReadyasEver]

Throwaway, you and anyone else can always bend my ear. I'm not the judging or preachy type.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

First of all, nice picture.
Pretty much, the same thing happened to me this summer: I set up everything for full suspension but then I pussied out after i had tightened the knot around my neck.
I wish I had killed myself then, even though I have met new people and found out about some great music I would have not known then.
Reality is what it is and I was too much of a coward to ultimately do it so here I am.

i feel you on the music thing, i obsessively look for new music and i found a bunch of unreleased stuff by an artist i really like and i feel like that lowkey played into why i chickened out lol

 

[LongSeason]

i feel you on the music thing, i obsessively look for new music and i found a bunch of unreleased stuff by an artist i really like and i feel like that lowkey played into why i chickened out lol

Part of the reasons I am still here is because this year a couple albums of some of my favourite artists come out.
Also I don't want to miss out on Evangelion 3.0 + 1.0 after waiting all this time!

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

Part of the reasons I am still here is because this year a couple albums of some of my favourite artists come out.
Also I don't want to miss out on Evangelion 3.0 + 1.0 after waiting all this time!

You think the Rebuild stuff is worth watching? I've seen the original series but i'm usually not too fond of remakes lol

 

[lost_soul83]

I don't have any friends :(
Nobody wants to talk to me. Not even here. :(((((

I'd be happy to talk to you honey :-)

 

[RedBuns]

May I ask, what kind of rope did you use and what type of knot did you tie?

 

[TiredHorse]

Attempting suicide is exhausting emotionally

The most shocking thing I experienced after my failures was how emotionally wrung-out I felt. I tried three times, three weekends in a row, with eb/N2, and after the last of those three I could barely leave the house for two weeks. I've never felt so weary.

You have my complete sympathy.

 

[LongSeason]

You think the Rebuild stuff is worth watching? I've seen the original series but i'm usually not too fond of remakes lol

The original series + EoE is a thousand times better but the rebuilds are still pretty good imo