Venting Cheated on partner, feel awful, want to die

[illvoid]

I know how fucking selfish it was and I can't get it out of my head. I was really intimate with a close friend and I'm terrified to tell my bf. We haven't been together long and I'm honestly scared I can't handle a relationship right now. I love him a lot and honestly don't know why I did it. I feel like I just have no self control. I don't want to ruin what we have because he's so happy with me but I already did. I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. Need help, advice, something. I don't know what to do and I don't know if I can bring myself to tell him. I need to be honest. I really do. I know that, and I don't know why I can't. Seriously considering taking the easy way out. Have been self harming again over all this just trying to kill the attraction I have to the other person involved. I figured that maybe if I could associate thinking about them with the pain of hurting myself it would just go away but instead I created an endless guilt cycle and I feel really lost. I don't even know how to tell him.

 

[fedupwithlife]

did the person you cheat with knew you are in a relationship

 

[illvoid]

did the person you cheat with knew you are in a relationship

Yes, but I wasn't fully honest with them about what my partner and I were ok with and I definitely pushed those boundaries. It's 100% my fault.

 

[HappyForever?]

I have personal experience with cheaters, so I might be a little bit angry in my reply.
What you did is 100% unforgivable. You should tell all parties involved and face the consequences. Just say what happened and be prepared for the fallout. If you actually regret your actions and did not say so to make you look better, then good for you. The fallout and the regret will be your punishment. And be more mature before you enter your next relationship, as you are certainly not fit for entering a relationship right now.
If you didn't actually regret your actions, then you should [REDACTED DUE TO FORUM RULES].

 

[NoHorizon]

Being cheated on is absolutely crushing, but your partner should have the information so that they can decide whether they want to stay with you or leave you.

 

[dialogos]

Guilt can do that.
Confessing to your partner can also be freeing.
There's a chance he may or may not forgive you.
Its the consequence of these actions.
But facing that is better than CTB.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

In my opinion? Only one thing to do.

Tell the truth. Explain that you genuinely still love him. But admit that it's your fault and that he has NO OBLIGATION to forgive you.

I also want to leave something here for you to think about:

If you love your boyfriend still, and yet feel attracted to the other person..

...you are polyamorous—at least in some way.

Please, if your boyfriend forgives you, I encourage you to discuss polyamory, and relationship boundaries. Perhaps it would be better to enter into a relationship that allows things like this.

This is coming from a polyamorous person emselves, just so no one thinks that I'm saying polyam people cheat. We do not. I've just noticed that polyam people who are in a "discovery phase" that have bad self-reflection and self-control skills can be prone to this—in certain situations.

 

[dialogos]

In my opinion? Only one thing to do.

Tell the truth. Explain that you genuinely still love him. But admit that it's your fault and that he has NO OBLIGATION to forgive you.

I also want to leave something here for you to think about:

If you love your boyfriend still, and yet feel attracted to the other person..

...you are polyamorous—at least in some way.

Please, if your boyfriend forgives you, I encourage you to discuss polyamory, and relationship boundaries. Perhaps it would be better to enter into a relationship that allows things like this.

This is coming from a polyamorous person emselves, just so no one thinks that I'm saying polyam people cheat. We do not. I've just noticed that polyam people who are in a "discovery phase" that have bad self-reflection and self-control skills can be prone to this—in certain situations.

I think many men go thru this, only we've been conditioned its acceptable in many cultures.
For women its so hard they will be judged so harshly.
However, speaking as a mature adult, it is a phase I went thru and I outgrew that. So you're right
Its a growing phase for some people. What you're suggesting is more acceptable than CTB and might even help the TS feel not to feel so condemned

 

[SexyIncél]

Oooh, tricky situation

Normally, the reasonable way to evaluate an intervention (like telling your bf) is by considering its predictable outcomes. If it'll likely destroy him (e.g lifetime extreme trauma, ctb, etc)... then the act of informing him is the immoral act

But! You utterly lack self control. And you're both in a bad environment. So who knows what'll happen if you keep silent? Might you go nuts & make things worse?

Ideally, someone would ask you questions like:

• how jealous is he, anyway?
• how do you think he'd react?
• what happens to both of your lives if you tell him?

... and then walk with you reassuringly, together through this dark forest, to bolster your weakened conscious mind

btw it's hard to suppress sexual/romantic attractions. Maybe associating it with self-harm may just end up making self-harm hot?

 

[illvoid]

Hi, back. Discussed everything with my partner and he's reasonably upset but willing to work through it. I did not tell him I was suicidal as I felt it would be sort of manipulative. I'm going to wait quite a while to bring that up. however, I'm fairly certain he found out about my account on here. he hasn't told me that explicitly but he's been telling me I need to stay off "those damn forums" and brought it up again when we had the conversation about what happened. (may be referring to something else but im paranoid).

 

[Meretlein]

Hi, back. Discussed everything with my partner and he's reasonably upset but willing to work through it. I did not tell him I was suicidal as I felt it would be sort of manipulative. I'm going to wait quite a while to bring that up. however, I'm fairly certain he found out about my account on here. he hasn't told me that explicitly but he's been telling me I need to stay off "those damn forums" and brought it up again when we had the conversation about what happened. (may be referring to something else but im paranoid).

I am glad things are better with your boyfriend. Good for you for doing the right thing.

 

[illvoid]

other persons partner now also knows and I think I might go ahead and ctb. can't fix that one. need to. deserve it. ctb tonight need help dosing propranolol

 

[Meretlein]

other persons partner now also knows and I think I might go ahead and ctb. can't fix that one. need to. deserve it. ctb tonight need help dosing propranolol

What is the other person or their partner going to do?

 

[ANTALWOODA]

I would say it's better to tell truth, I can't personally imagine if I had partner that would cheat, but certainly if you look closely to why? You will have answers, go deeper with yourself, only you know why you did it, I think your partner deserves truth,if my partner cheated I would definitely end relationship right away because it's not genuine, if someone really loves you they wouldn't cheat, just my opinion

other persons partner now also knows and I think I might go ahead and ctb. can't fix that one. need to. deserve it. ctb tonight need help dosing propranolol

Just listen please,I am not trying to preach but take your time please, this situation with you seems very heated, give it some time, no need to rush things like that, it happens,we all make mistakes, take your time please ❤