Tegan_sky
losing hope
- Aug 16, 2019
- 102
I've posted here before about how lonely I am. I've gotten real support here from people who have been or are, in the same places I am, felt the same as I have felt. I started realizing there really is a need for me to stop the people pleasing, the chasing people in vain, the compulsive need to be liked, SO much. I had started reading the daily message book "Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie. She is a writer who is knowledgeable about codependency. So much in that book about setting boundaries, saying no, doing self care, so much resonated I checked out some CoDependents Anonymous meetings online. And I related so much I have continued to attend the CoDA meetings. In this people pleasing and all I mentioned, I was getting literally physically ill from it, knowing I wanted to and needed to stop, becoming aware of what I was doing, yet continuing to do it.
So I ceased chasing people who won't return calls, stopped being peoples' free taxi service, stopped groveling to my VERY toxic aunt, did not go to the memorial for an uncle who cared nothing about me. That was setting a major limit, not going to his memorial. It was 30 miles away at a time that I am having great physical pain. I took care of myself and stayed home.
A point I guess I want to get to is, now I feel even MORE alone. Like if I don't chase, don't people please, don't bend over backwards to be liked, there will be no one. Whereas, I guess if I kept up the people pleasing and all of it, at least I could keep up an illusion that I have people. If I take precious little breadcrumbs due to my low self esteem, at least it's breadcrumbs, at least it's something. But if I take care of my self and think enough of myself to stop the chasing and all of it, then I have to face the fact: I'm ALONE.
it feels like, at least right now, either have self respect and self care, and face the fact that I'm alone. Or, keep being a doormat for everyone and keep the illusion that at least I have something, at least I have that precious little breadcrumbs. But even with all the dysfunctional behaviors I have mentioned I was doing, guess what? I was alone anyway.
So I ceased chasing people who won't return calls, stopped being peoples' free taxi service, stopped groveling to my VERY toxic aunt, did not go to the memorial for an uncle who cared nothing about me. That was setting a major limit, not going to his memorial. It was 30 miles away at a time that I am having great physical pain. I took care of myself and stayed home.
A point I guess I want to get to is, now I feel even MORE alone. Like if I don't chase, don't people please, don't bend over backwards to be liked, there will be no one. Whereas, I guess if I kept up the people pleasing and all of it, at least I could keep up an illusion that I have people. If I take precious little breadcrumbs due to my low self esteem, at least it's breadcrumbs, at least it's something. But if I take care of my self and think enough of myself to stop the chasing and all of it, then I have to face the fact: I'm ALONE.
it feels like, at least right now, either have self respect and self care, and face the fact that I'm alone. Or, keep being a doormat for everyone and keep the illusion that at least I have something, at least I have that precious little breadcrumbs. But even with all the dysfunctional behaviors I have mentioned I was doing, guess what? I was alone anyway.
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