Rue89
Visionary
- Feb 10, 2020
- 2,726
I've decided to wait to ctb until after vacation. I was going to do it yesterday morning, but on Monday my mom was telling me about how excited her friends were to meet me and for me to come dogsit this weekend, and she's going to take me to meet them on Wednesday (today). I feel like I really need to do this. This isn't like ruining family plans. I don't want my ctb to affect people outside my family.
Speaking of family the only ones I really care about how my ctb will affect them is my mom and dad. My brother is the biggest asshole in the world and I honestly don't know if he'll care at all when I'm gone. Except maybe he'll miss having someone he can use and abuse. The thing that set off these feelings and this thinking yesterday, and still today, is so small, but it just made memories of all that I've endured over the years; his taunting and hurtful words that cut through me and make me feel worthless, his superior attitude and how he expects me to do things for him and thinks he has a right to use my things and I have to have a good enough reason if I say no, how if I mess up the tiniest thing, even if it doesn't affect him at all, he acts like I just made the worst mistake, and many other things. I mentioned it to my mom today when yesterday's incident came up, and she said I always overreact and think the worst. I tried to tell her this isn't just me misreading situations, and this is how he makes me feel, and she just blew me off. Obviously her perfect son wouldn't do any of these things and it's all in my head.
It's probably a good thing that SN takes so much time to prepare for because even though I had decided to wait I just really want to do it now. I'm also very tempted to send a delayed email to my brother with a big "fuck you" for all he's put me through.
But on a positive note my mom reminded me that she's staying at the lake house with her friend the next week after my brother and I head home. I just need to get through the rest of this week and next week, and I'll be able to ctb at home, which I believe will be so much easier and more comfortable!!
Speaking of family the only ones I really care about how my ctb will affect them is my mom and dad. My brother is the biggest asshole in the world and I honestly don't know if he'll care at all when I'm gone. Except maybe he'll miss having someone he can use and abuse. The thing that set off these feelings and this thinking yesterday, and still today, is so small, but it just made memories of all that I've endured over the years; his taunting and hurtful words that cut through me and make me feel worthless, his superior attitude and how he expects me to do things for him and thinks he has a right to use my things and I have to have a good enough reason if I say no, how if I mess up the tiniest thing, even if it doesn't affect him at all, he acts like I just made the worst mistake, and many other things. I mentioned it to my mom today when yesterday's incident came up, and she said I always overreact and think the worst. I tried to tell her this isn't just me misreading situations, and this is how he makes me feel, and she just blew me off. Obviously her perfect son wouldn't do any of these things and it's all in my head.
It's probably a good thing that SN takes so much time to prepare for because even though I had decided to wait I just really want to do it now. I'm also very tempted to send a delayed email to my brother with a big "fuck you" for all he's put me through.
But on a positive note my mom reminded me that she's staying at the lake house with her friend the next week after my brother and I head home. I just need to get through the rest of this week and next week, and I'll be able to ctb at home, which I believe will be so much easier and more comfortable!!
