Venting Cautiously content.

[feast or famine]

This is a venting post. If you don't feel like reading, I don't blame you. This year has been awful for me. The last couple years have been an absolute shit show to be honest, but this year really took a turn for the worst.

I was in an abusive relationship where I got hooked on using cocaine with my ex. He sold and used the shit and I let myself get wrapped up in his world. It was difficult (that's an understatement) to leave, but I did it.

Within this same time frame, my mom's health declined. She was in and out of the hospital with respiratory issues and the doctors didn't think she'd make it. Thankfully, she did, but she's on oxygen now with heart problems and I don't know how much more she can take. She is only 62 which is young in my book.

On top of that, my mental health issues got out of contol going through all of these things so close together and I tried to off myself yet again a couple months ago which obviously wasn't successful. I landed in the hospital due to injuries for a week, then I was in the psych ward for 3 weeks.

While in there, I started to take Lexapro because they made me, but I've felt like it could be helping my depression. Not too long after getting out, I browsed here a lot and began to talk to a member who I became very close to, only for him to ctb on the phone with me which I wasn't aware of. He was someone dear to me and that's been the last major blow I've had after I've thought things were getting better.

Since then, I've still been taking my meds and focusing on some goals. One major goal is to finish my nursing program and classes just recently started again. The meds and focusing on goals has made me feel a lot better. My ctb plans are even on hold, although I have my SN if needed.

I'm at the point right now where I feel paranoid and I'm waiting for the next thing to go wrong. It's like any sort of contentment or peace I feel is somehow a bad thing because maybe I'm just kidding myself that things will get better. I'm on edge. I just don't think I could handle another major blow.

I'm venting here because who am I kidding, I really don't have friends. And the one person I could tell anything to isn't here anymore. I'm honestly just talking in circles at this point. It's late at night where I am and my mind is racing. I don't really know what I expect from posting this. I dont think I expect anything, it's just nice to get this shit off my chest. If anyone reads to this point, thanks. ❤

 

[Ghost2211]

I'm sorry to hear so much stress and pain happened at once. it must have been a terrible blow to lose someone so dear to you. I'm glad you feel comfortable and safe enough to reach out. I'm around a lot if you ever want or need a friend to talk to.

 

[greekyfish10]

that's awful. i'm really sorry for what you have been through. but i admire you finishing your nursing program. definitely focusing on things you enjoy will help take the stress of daily life away for a little bit of time. and listen, i completely understand your feelings with contentment. i struggle with the same thing. it's like if i start to feel good about things, i'll stop myself because i don't want to cling onto false hope and think that things will get better. it is tough. but i think the important thing to remember is that you are allowed to enjoy things you know? if you feel things are going well for you then you should sit in that and let yourself feel happy while you can. and if things do get bad again, that is okay. life is constantly changing. some days you'll be happy, somedays you'll feel awful. on the days you feel happy you should let yourself feel happy because you deserve it. sorry for this long comment lol, in the meantime if you wanna talk to somebody you can always message me. i'd love to talk to you. :)

 

[feast or famine]

I'm sorry to hear so much stress and pain happened at once. it must have been a terrible blow to lose someone so dear to you. I'm glad you feel comfortable and safe enough to reach out. I'm around a lot if you ever want or need a friend to talk to.

Thank you so much for you reply and your kind offer. It definitely helps knowing there's people I can talk to. That's what is great about this community. My door is always open, too!

that's awful. i'm really sorry for what you have been through. but i admire you finishing your nursing program. definitely focusing on things you enjoy will help take the stress of daily life away for a little bit of time. and listen, i completely understand your feelings with contentment. i struggle with the same thing. it's like if i start to feel good about things, i'll stop myself because i don't want to cling onto false hope and think that things will get better. it is tough. but i think the important thing to remember is that you are allowed to enjoy things you know? if you feel things are going well for you then you should sit in that and let yourself feel happy while you can. and if things do get bad again, that is okay. life is constantly changing. some days you'll be happy, somedays you'll feel awful. on the days you feel happy you should let yourself feel happy because you deserve it. sorry for this long comment lol, in the meantime if you wanna talk to somebody you can always message me. i'd love to talk to you. :)

Thanks for your kind words. You're right, I should be able to sit in my good feelings just as much as the bad. I think I have to learn to be kinder to myself. A part of me feels like I just don't deserve happiness, but I know that isn't true. It's just hard to keep thoughts like that from poisoning my mind.

You're so sweet for offering to chat. I may take you up on that sometime. Thanks again.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Wow, you're the second member I've heard say that someone ctb'd on the phone without knowing it was going to happen! Wtf? I hope you're recovering all right, as best as you can considering what a personal loss it was as well.

I'm glad the Lexapro may be helping you. I wish good things for you.

 

[feast or famine]

Wow, you're the second member I've heard say that someone ctb'd on the phone without knowing it was going to happen! Wtf? I hope you're recovering all right, as best as you can considering what a personal loss it was as well.

I'm glad the Lexapro may be helping you. I wish good things for you.

It was a very unbelievable experience to have that happen to me. I am trying my best to continue on. I am at a loss most of the time trying to make sense of it, so I end up burying it.

I do believe the meds may be helping, but I don't necessarily want to be on them. I'm very conflicted all around. Thank you for your kind wishes. I really appreciate that.