Caught Between Unacceptable Choices

[kane]

I've wasted so long going back and forth on this, and I still don't know what to do. If I ctb then it will completely destroy my parents. They're way too invested in me, and they've given so much beyond what they should've to try and help and support me, well into adulthood. So that feels completely unacceptable. On the other hand if I wait until they die a natural death before ctb then I'll likely be well into middle age (or even old age). And judging by the last 13 years, in which I've only become more isolated & hopeless, by then the pain of continuing will be completely intolerable. I can't do it - I can't take becoming that much more wretched. But I have no hope for things getting better. I'm well past my youth when change still seemed possible even amid misery.

I think I should probably wait until COVID lockdown is over - it seems like it would be worse for them when everything else is so stressful, and having to organize a funeral and everything. But after that...I have no clue. I can't think of a point where it seems like it would be ok to go. But the thought of just continuing on, alone, with no real life, being this pathetic lonely old dude...it's too much. Neither option seems acceptable, and I can't decide which would be worse.

 

[Spitfire]

Wether it is that you keep living or not, I hope that it does become easier for you to make that decision for yourself. I am sorry it sounds very difficult for you.

 

[sadworld]

It's the most important decision of your life. So it's just normal that it takes time to think about it.

 

[Giraffey]

This is a common issue and indeed, one I've grappled with myself. I'll share a metaphor from an old thread of mine on the subject:

...inevitably, therefore, you know that your death (or termination of your commitments to them) would cause them direct and indirect harm - how do you even begin to justify ending your life?

Do you remain stoic and like King Sisyphus, continue to suffer the immense and indefinite pain of pushing the boulder up an endlessly steep hill? Continuing only for the sake of having no other option, because giving up would allow the boulder to roll back down and destroy your loved ones who are chained behind you, and would be unable to jump out of its path.

Is there some way in which you can justify your death? Must you first attempt to arm your loved ones with the coping skills they will necessarily need to bear the grief of your loss, must you first fix their problems or find some way to unburden yourself from them before you CTB? What if it isn't possible to unburden yourself, must you then abstain from suicide and continue to live in a kind of emotionally vegetative state?

From: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/obligation-to-live.39724/

I came to the eventual conclusion that I had to set a sort of threshold of suffering. Should my pain rise above that threshold and show no hope of receding again, then the cost to my loved ones of the pain and grief of my loss would be justified by me finding peace. The same way as you will do absolutely anything possible to save your pet's life, but when their health reaches a threshold where their quality of life is poor and irrecoverable, their need, for peace, is greater than your need to keep them alive.

I believe that I'm close to reaching that threshold in my own life, but as a matter of pragmatism, I have decided to belay my death and pick one more fight with life in the vain hope that something, anything, will change for the better. There will never be a perfect time to end my life, but to do so now would cause a far greater level of harm than to wait just a few more months.

I shall quote the metaphor above. Alas, it is inevitable that once I let go, the boulder will roll down the hill and hurt my loved ones, although eventually, their pain will diminish as they grieve; but if I do nothing, I will be condemned to a lifetime of misery and pain, an existence serving only the purpose of shielding my loved ones from the grief of my loss, without meaning or joy, an empty life.

This is one of those situations where you're truly damned if you do and damned if you don't, there is a heavy burden to carry either way. I hope you find the answers you need to resolve this struggle.

 

[kane]

I came to the eventual conclusion that I had to set a sort of threshold of suffering. Should my pain rise above that threshold and show no hope of receding again, then the cost to my loved ones of the pain and grief of my loss would be justified by me finding peace. The same way as you will do absolutely anything possible to save your pet's life, but when their health reaches a threshold where their quality of life is poor and irrecoverable, their need, for peace, is greater than your need to keep them alive.

That's a good way to think about it. There are a few conditions I've set in my mind that I've told myself I will exit before enduring (homelessness, degenerative illness etc.) What I struggle with is the idea of things continuing on much as they have done for another 20 years. I know how much more hopeless and isolated I feel now compared to when I was in my 20s, and could still delude myself that things would change. I can't imagine how much worse it would be in my 40s and 50s, when even the faintest hopes have withered. I fear I will allow it to continue on indefinitely, accepting ever greater misery. Because there's no clear indication that 'this is too much to tolerate'. It's just a gradual draining of hope, meaning, and desire to live. Or if I do finally reach a point where it drives me to ctb, all the suffering will be for nothing - because it will still devastate my parents, only now they'll be vulnerable and frail/in need of care. I can't identify a clear point where I can check out.

 

[Gnip]

Living and dying are unacceptable choices for many of us.