I have a hard time understanding if this can really kill me or will it mark me as a potential suicide for the rest of my life...
I always go near the castor bean to harvest the seeds, but I end up losing my nerve (it seems like I'm being watched, because it's a public place and it's another neighborhood).
But my idea would be to use antiesthemic (Meto) and chew about 12 seeds... but I'm afraid it won't work and be found out sooner (and they discover the poisoning and ask me questions).
Would that have any chance of working? The problem is, I don't live alone either!
My physical health is almost perfect (except for a potential cardiac arrhythmia according to the EKG - due to covid).
I'm bipolar and I've lost a lot of people this year, way beyond what I can handle (rationally even if I go through this, I'm afraid to go through these griefs other times, because the grief for a bipolar is very complicated).
Just remembering my grandmother and my ex-girlfriend... sometimes I fantasize that I'm going to die soon and that I don't need CTB, but that won't happen.
I'm 23 years old, I went through traumas this year (griefs, assaults, the bipolar crisis itself, various personal problems). But today I still have some friends with whom I can vent, when I'm 30+ it will be more difficult (no one will hear a middle-aged man's lament right?)
My ex-girlfriend died at the age of 20 and she liked to live, I feel so bad about trying to die, while those who wanted to live couldn't. I'm also haunted by the idea that one day someone will cry for me (but maybe now is the right time, because at least my family will have all the support in the world).
I always go near the castor bean to harvest the seeds, but I end up losing my nerve (it seems like I'm being watched, because it's a public place and it's another neighborhood).
But my idea would be to use antiesthemic (Meto) and chew about 12 seeds... but I'm afraid it won't work and be found out sooner (and they discover the poisoning and ask me questions).
Would that have any chance of working? The problem is, I don't live alone either!
My physical health is almost perfect (except for a potential cardiac arrhythmia according to the EKG - due to covid).
I'm bipolar and I've lost a lot of people this year, way beyond what I can handle (rationally even if I go through this, I'm afraid to go through these griefs other times, because the grief for a bipolar is very complicated).
Just remembering my grandmother and my ex-girlfriend... sometimes I fantasize that I'm going to die soon and that I don't need CTB, but that won't happen.
I'm 23 years old, I went through traumas this year (griefs, assaults, the bipolar crisis itself, various personal problems). But today I still have some friends with whom I can vent, when I'm 30+ it will be more difficult (no one will hear a middle-aged man's lament right?)
My ex-girlfriend died at the age of 20 and she liked to live, I feel so bad about trying to die, while those who wanted to live couldn't. I'm also haunted by the idea that one day someone will cry for me (but maybe now is the right time, because at least my family will have all the support in the world).
