Carrying on as if I ain't about die

[Crushed_Innocence]

Im sitting the doctors office as I write this. I have therapy tomorrow. Groceries, laundry, documents to mail... etc.

I am just carrying on as if I don't have a set plan to catch the bus. I think its a misconception to assume that because a person has made up thier mind to suicide, that at that moment, one would cease all activity. That's kinda silly. I still need to pee, shit, eat, breathe, shop, drive & even have human connection. Until the moment comes, just live as "normal" then drop out of nowhere.

 

[BlueWidow]

True. It's not like you can just suddenly stop paying bills and doing other things that you have to do to stay alive, even though a lot of those things are part of the reason I want to ctb because I'm so tired of doing the same things over and over, even some of the things that you need to do just to sustain being alive. It's exhausting. Plus, if you stop doing certain things, you might cast suspicion on yourself. I've been trying to tip off as few people as possible, and as far as I know, absolutely no one has any clue that I plan to ctb soon.
I'm even struggling to tie up loose ends. I'm making progress, but it's very very slow. For every day that I make an accomplishment, it seems like I have to rest in between for two days or more. It sucks!

 

[freaky3600]

Yeah, you gotta keep on keeping on. It seems so futile but the second you stop, people will get suspicious, especially if you have a history of issues.

I had to clean my house today. The whole time, I am thinking, "Why bother?". If I stop everything, I will have to explain what's up or come up with some excuse and either way will generate more hassles and stress.

 

[BlueWidow]

Yeah, you gotta keep on keeping on. It seems so futile but the second you stop, people will get suspicious, especially if you have a history of issues.

I had to clean my house today. The whole time, I am thinking, "Why bother?". If I stop everything, I will have to explain what's up or come up with some excuse and either way will generate more hassles and stress.

Oh, people would definitely get suspicious of me if I STARTED cleaning my house.

 

[Soulstax]

Also interacting with people, smiling, saying "I'm okay" when they ask, all while knowing I'm be dead in a few days..

 

[GinaIsReady]

It is really freaky - going on with status quo. Glad to see others here are thinking / feeling the same kinds of things.

 

[BlueWidow]

Of course, some people are doing the opposite. There was another poster who did a thread about how they were having trouble buying an eyeshadow palette because they said it felt like a long-term commitment.

I'm just trying to go along and buy normal amounts of everything like I always do and figure if something's left over, then they can find some way to dispose of it after I'm gone.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Of course, some people are doing the opposite. There was another poster who did a thread about how they were having trouble buying an eyeshadow palette because they said it felt like a long-term commitment.

I'm just trying to go along and buy normal amounts of everything like I always do and figure if something's left over, then they can find some way to dispose of it after I'm gone.

I remember that thread. I'm doing the same thing. I still buy skincare products and stuff.

 

[BlueWidow]

I remember that thread. I'm doing the same thing. I still buy skincare products and stuff.

Yeah, it's taking me so long to get everything done and I've been struggling with my energy level so much. The longer it goes on, the more I'm finding myself just saying that I'm going to let somebody else deal with it after I'm gone.
I figure most stuff won't get done the way I want it done anyway after I'm gone, even with a Will. People think because you have a Will that people will follow your wishes, but I see people all the time who don't follow their family member's Will after they die. They take things and give them to who they want to give them to. They don't care who their family member wanted things to go to. The only way to ensure anything gets done the way you want it to be done is to do it before you die, and I just don't have the energy to do that, so I'm just learning to let it all go. It's just stuff anyway. After I'm dead, I won't care about it anyway because I won't be aware of it.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Yeah, it's taking me so long to get everything done and I've been struggling with my energy level so much. The longer it goes on, the more I'm finding myself just saying that I'm going to let somebody else deal with it after I'm gone.
I figure most stuff won't get done the way I want it done anyway after I'm gone, even with a Will. People think because you have a Will that people will follow your wishes, but I see people all the time who don't follow their family member's Will after they die. They take things and give them to who they want to give them to. They don't care who their family member wanted things to go to. The only way to ensure anything gets done the way you want it to be done is to do it before you die, and I just don't have the energy to do that, so I'm just learning to let it all go. It's just stuff anyway. After I'm dead, I won't care about it anyway because I won't be aware of it.

I know. It's just agonizing how we want death more than anything but there are things you want to be done to your body and you try writing that in a will but then there's no way of knowing if it's going to be done. Earlier I was trying to figure out how I could get cremated but it's too much of a process and like I said there's no way of knowing.
It's like we don't even have rights to our own body alive or dead.

 

[BlueWidow]

I know. It's just agonizing how we want death more than anything but there are things you want to be done to your body and you try writing that in a will but then there's no way of knowing if it's going to be done. Earlier I was trying to figure out how I could get cremated but it's too much of a process and like I said there's no way of knowing.
It's like we don't even have rights to our own body alive or dead.

Yeah, me too. It's kind of screwed up and weird sounding, but inexpensive. Or less expensive than alternatives.

 

[Backwood_tilt]

Yeah, it's taking me so long to get everything done and I've been struggling with my energy level so much. The longer it goes on, the more I'm finding myself just saying that I'm going to let somebody else deal with it after I'm gone.

lol yup.

thought about selling as much of my belongings as i could, especially specialty items that i know my parents will have trouble getting rid of when they come clean up. Don't have the energy or the spirit to do it. Not even thinking about packing up all this stuff. Too tough, too draining.

Spending enough time preparing to CTB. Even that is taking its toll on me and going on longer than it needs to be. But i'm close.

 

[TheOA]

There is something oddly comforting about embracing death (mentally and emotionally) while still, technically, (physically) alive.

The downside is that I am no longer able to mourn the loss of others which is the only indication I give that my views on death are most unconventional.

Life goes on and, by all appearances, so do I. And while I am not one for surprises...I am great at keeping secrets. And given my history of attempts and breakdowns, I have learned it is best to reserve my "truths" for myself and noone else.

As twisted as it sounds, I find contentment in playing the game of life....

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Oh, people would definitely get suspicious of me if I STARTED cleaning my house.

Too bad we dont have lol button..lol.

 

[freaky3600]

Yeah, that was a good one for sure.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

Too bad we dont have lol button..lol.

There should be a LOL button

 

[BlueWidow]

Too bad we dont have lol button..lol.

They took the LOL button away because people were using it in goodbye threads.
In other words, there were some jerks who were laughing at people who were attempting ctb.

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

I'm just going through the motions my self. Today nail appointment. Tomorrow back to work after two days off to being in the Er for severe dehydration. Wasn't trying anything just happened that way. Trying to avoid suspicion myself.