albert_camus
Absurdist
- Jan 8, 2024
- 45
Hi everyone,
I'm not posting because I'm in immediate danger or because I have a concrete plan. I'm posting because I'm not okay, and I'm trying very hard to keep holding on.
I'm 23, an only child, and a lot of responsibility rests on me.
My mother had several strokes months ago and still has ongoing medical issues. My father is 85 and increasingly shows signs of cognitive and physical decline. There's no real backup system, neither emotionally, practically, or organizationally. If something needs to be done, it usually falls on me.
At the same time, I'm finishing my Bachelor's degree (thesis + remaining exams) and starting a new bilingual Master's program soon. I'm also applying for another fully English-taught Master's, which requires a motivation letter and CV in the middle of the semester. I'm already stressed af and also scared, but I'm really interested in these Master's degrees too... I wanna do it, I wanna try at least.
On top of all this, I also work. During the semester, it's a part-time mini-job, but in the holidays I've been working full-time.
I'm also physically and mentally ill myself. That often gets overlooked, by others and sometimes even by me, because things still need to function. There's this unspoken assumption in my family that "we don't need help." And maybe that's true only because I'm quietly filling every gap.
Lately, that includes things like doing mold remediation in our house myself, organizing repairs, and dealing with damage and maintenance because I can't just watch the place slowly fall apart. It's not just a house, it's the place I live in, and yes, one day it will be my inheritance. Letting it rot isn't really an option. There are still more things coming up that need fixing, and I'm already stretched thin.
I'm constantly tired. Not just sleepy, but deeply worn down. My social life has basically disappeared (partly because I don't have the energy, partly because I don't feel understood anymore). I'm not angry at people; I just don't have the capacity. Silence feels safer than explaining myself over and over.
I keep functioning because I have to. I show up. I do the work. I organize. But inside, it often feels like I'm holding everything together with sheer willpower and very little margin left. I worry about burning out completely, about collapsing after things are "finally done," or about never really getting to rest.
I just needed a place where I could say this honestly:
I'm not okay. I'm overwhelmed. But I'm still trying to hold on.
Honestly, it feels easier to vent here than in my real life. Strangers on this forum often show more understanding and compassion than people who are actually part of my everyday environment. There's less minimizing, less judgment, and fewer expectations. I don't have to be "functional" or reassuring for anyone here... I can just say how bad it really feels, even if it kinda feels like I'm exaggerating/overdramatizing.
Thanks for reading.
And... wish me luck I guess. 
P.S.:
Isn't it strange that my parents were always pretty much the only reason for me to keep living, and now... now everything is very uncertain... although, I couldn't leave my cats alone either. What have they done to deserve being left alone?
I don't know how things will continue...
It's like a little secret between me and this forum that I've thought since I was little that I would/will only live for my parents. That's how it's become ingrained in my soul... to live only for my parents and only as long as my parents live. What am I without caregiver responsibility, what am I without them, when I've been thinking this way since I was about 10?
Maybe I'll have a real life of my own someday? I don't know. AND MY CATS... I love them more than anything... and one of them will eventually outlive my father, at least. I can't abandon them... I see it a little differently with everyone else... my friends would be fine without me. And so far, I've lived almost exclusively for others... I'm not going to do that forever. Either I'll manage to WANT to live for myself as myself one day, or it will all end prematurely.
I'm not posting because I'm in immediate danger or because I have a concrete plan. I'm posting because I'm not okay, and I'm trying very hard to keep holding on.
I'm 23, an only child, and a lot of responsibility rests on me.
My mother had several strokes months ago and still has ongoing medical issues. My father is 85 and increasingly shows signs of cognitive and physical decline. There's no real backup system, neither emotionally, practically, or organizationally. If something needs to be done, it usually falls on me.
At the same time, I'm finishing my Bachelor's degree (thesis + remaining exams) and starting a new bilingual Master's program soon. I'm also applying for another fully English-taught Master's, which requires a motivation letter and CV in the middle of the semester. I'm already stressed af and also scared, but I'm really interested in these Master's degrees too... I wanna do it, I wanna try at least.
On top of all this, I also work. During the semester, it's a part-time mini-job, but in the holidays I've been working full-time.
I'm also physically and mentally ill myself. That often gets overlooked, by others and sometimes even by me, because things still need to function. There's this unspoken assumption in my family that "we don't need help." And maybe that's true only because I'm quietly filling every gap.
Lately, that includes things like doing mold remediation in our house myself, organizing repairs, and dealing with damage and maintenance because I can't just watch the place slowly fall apart. It's not just a house, it's the place I live in, and yes, one day it will be my inheritance. Letting it rot isn't really an option. There are still more things coming up that need fixing, and I'm already stretched thin.
I'm constantly tired. Not just sleepy, but deeply worn down. My social life has basically disappeared (partly because I don't have the energy, partly because I don't feel understood anymore). I'm not angry at people; I just don't have the capacity. Silence feels safer than explaining myself over and over.
I keep functioning because I have to. I show up. I do the work. I organize. But inside, it often feels like I'm holding everything together with sheer willpower and very little margin left. I worry about burning out completely, about collapsing after things are "finally done," or about never really getting to rest.
I just needed a place where I could say this honestly:
I'm not okay. I'm overwhelmed. But I'm still trying to hold on.
Honestly, it feels easier to vent here than in my real life. Strangers on this forum often show more understanding and compassion than people who are actually part of my everyday environment. There's less minimizing, less judgment, and fewer expectations. I don't have to be "functional" or reassuring for anyone here... I can just say how bad it really feels, even if it kinda feels like I'm exaggerating/overdramatizing.
Thanks for reading.
And... wish me luck I guess. P.S.:
Isn't it strange that my parents were always pretty much the only reason for me to keep living, and now... now everything is very uncertain... although, I couldn't leave my cats alone either. What have they done to deserve being left alone?
I don't know how things will continue...
It's like a little secret between me and this forum that I've thought since I was little that I would/will only live for my parents. That's how it's become ingrained in my soul... to live only for my parents and only as long as my parents live. What am I without caregiver responsibility, what am I without them, when I've been thinking this way since I was about 10?
Maybe I'll have a real life of my own someday? I don't know. AND MY CATS... I love them more than anything... and one of them will eventually outlive my father, at least. I can't abandon them... I see it a little differently with everyone else... my friends would be fine without me. And so far, I've lived almost exclusively for others... I'm not going to do that forever. Either I'll manage to WANT to live for myself as myself one day, or it will all end prematurely.
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