Can't Weight: CTB Due to Fat/Obesity: The last barrier

[Crushed_Innocence]

*** DISCLAIMNER*** Please no uninformed replies that talk about the 6 million ways out there to lose weight such diets, exerisize, programs, medical interventions etc. THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST!!!!! I just have to give this disclaimer because the purpose of this thread to is share how being fat, binge eating, and rejection due to ones appearance regarding weight plays into ones desire to suicide.

So, I have struggled with eating and weight since I was 7. The year my dad abondoned my mom and she had her breakdown and become a mix or "Mommie Dearest" and the mom from the Movie "Carrie" mixed into one. I shit you not. Being born to her set me up to eventually end up here on SS. Anyway, I remember feeling calm at the THOUGHT of eating. My poor little reward system went into overdirve as the the only substance in my life that provided pleasure, comfort and safety in ANY form become the prisonmaster that I would never wiggle myself out of.

I was the fat girl. No body dysmophia, my ass was HUGE. It set the foundation for my personalit disorder along with the horrific abuse I endured from my mother. i was isolated there was no other adults or family. Just me and the monster. I was teased bullied and tormented by ADULTS and my peers alike. I was taunted and teased, physcially assaulted, humiliated and treated like an animal....

I remember getting excited that my mom and little sister didn't finish thier food and I would eat thiers.... My scavenger/Orphan tendancies got started so early.... I had absolutly no semblance of love, care or concern... Only beatings, verbal abuse and lonliness as a small child......

I now understand why I could not adhere to a program, diet or anything. I had a disorder that affected how I related to life.... I still dont want to say it I am angry about it..

But basically... I lost over a hundred pounds when I had a intentinal disease a few years ago---- But IN THE LAST YEAR DUE TO THE TRAUMA OF WHAT I WENT THROUGH LAST SUMMER... THE BREAKDOWN THE PTSD, THE HEARTBREAK THE MELTDOWN, THE EPISODE.... I GAINED OVER 100 POUNDS IN A YEAR.

I am so fat IT HURTS TO WALK. January 12019 I was a size 14-16. Now Im like a damn 22... I cant do this again. Back to the fat world, back to the invisible world.... And now that I am an older woman- there really is no hope---- I felt like if I still was slim and sexy I MIGHT have been able to give things a try-- but I am a dancer---- thats what I loved. I broke my anckle and am so heavy it hurts to stand for more than 1 minute......

Fuck this life. I hate that everything good is hard and everything bad is easy.... I have nothing left to expend the kind of work to get thin again just for a "maybe" - I want to live in a world where how you look doesn't matter, THIS AINT THAT WORLD, so its another reason Im leaving.

 

[S1mpleme]

I can't image how do you feel, from my experience I believe it's painful. I'm not the world, just only me and I don't care if you're fat or skinny (just reminded a Coca-Cola song - if you rich or poor I like you...) and whatever your goal is I'm here for you.

 

[freaky3600]

That sucks that you feel that way. I agree when you say the good stuff is hard and the bad stuff is easy. So true for sure.

Tons of guys like a plus-sized woman. It's tough to find a real person that can connect with you and see past the flaws we all have.

I remember my dad calling me a fat loser and how I'll never get a girl, etc. The funny thing was, I always thought I was fat but when I would show people pics from when I was younger, they all said I was skinny to average, not even chubby. But since I wasn't ripped, my dad considered me fat for some reason. It's great how the people who are supposed to take care of you shit all over you endlessly.

Sorry you're struggling on all those fronts.

 

[Supersadmommy90]

This was so sad to read. You're right to blame your mother. Infant formula/bottle feeding rather than breastfeeding especially has been linked to obesity later in life. There is something about the neurohormonal deprivation that goes along with not having been breastfed that seems to cause all manner of emotional and physical problems for people, that much is observable. I was not breastfed myself, but I did breastfeed my own kids, so I can understand fully what I missed out on in my earliest development, and I'm not any healthier mentally or physically, for having been so deprived, as I'm sure you aren't either.

Again, not much comfort to offer other than to say, I truly don't think this is your fault. When we missed out on what we truly needed developmentally when we needed it, there is an insatiable lifelong void left over from that.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling trapped in your body and feeling the aches and pains therewith. I can certainly imagine the helplessness that entails. I have my own health and body issues so I can loosely relate to the feelings. All of these things will pass away in due course. Praying that you will find your peace and be freed from all earthly constraints and the literal heavy burden. Again, I am so so sorry.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for the horrible suffering you've endured. I wish I knew what to say to make it better for you. Just know that I care.

 

[Finis Autem Spero]

I've always been kinda overweight, but I've really put it on since deciding to ctb. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror, I'm that repulsive but who cares if it's unhealthy if I'm gonna be gone soon, right? I love food and I might as well enjoy it while I can.

 

[Polka]

The problem is not the fat but the trauma that made you turn to food. If it was not food then it might have been alcohol, drugs, people etc.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

*** DISCLAIMNER*** Please no uninformed replies that talk about the 6 million ways out there to lose weight such diets, exerisize, programs, medical interventions etc. THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF THIS POST!!!!! I just have to give this disclaimer because the purpose of this thread to is share how being fat, binge eating, and rejection due to ones appearance regarding weight plays into ones desire to suicide.

So, I have struggled with eating and weight since I was 7. The year my dad abondoned my mom and she had her breakdown and become a mix or "Mommie Dearest" and the mom from the Movie "Carrie" mixed into one. I shit you not. Being born to her set me up to eventually end up here on SS. Anyway, I remember feeling calm at the THOUGHT of eating. My poor little reward system went into overdirve as the the only substance in my life that provided pleasure, comfort and safety in ANY form become the prisonmaster that I would never wiggle myself out of.

I was the fat girl. No body dysmophia, my ass was HUGE. It set the foundation for my personalit disorder along with the horrific abuse I endured from my mother. i was isolated there was no other adults or family. Just me and the monster. I was teased bullied and tormented by ADULTS and my peers alike. I was taunted and teased, physcially assaulted, humiliated and treated like an animal....

I remember getting excited that my mom and little sister didn't finish thier food and I would eat thiers.... My scavenger/Orphan tendancies got started so early.... I had absolutly no semblance of love, care or concern... Only beatings, verbal abuse and lonliness as a small child......

I now understand why I could not adhere to a program, diet or anything. I had a disorder that affected how I related to life.... I still dont want to say it I am angry about it..

But basically... I lost over a hundred pounds when I had a intentinal disease a few years ago---- But IN THE LAST YEAR DUE TO THE TRAUMA OF WHAT I WENT THROUGH LAST SUMMER... THE BREAKDOWN THE PTSD, THE HEARTBREAK THE MELTDOWN, THE EPISODE.... I GAINED OVER 100 POUNDS IN A YEAR.

I am so fat IT HURTS TO WALK. January 12019 I was a size 14-16. Now Im like a damn 22... I cant do this again. Back to the fat world, back to the invisible world.... And now that I am an older woman- there really is no hope---- I felt like if I still was slim and sexy I MIGHT have been able to give things a try-- but I am a dancer---- thats what I loved. I broke my anckle and am so heavy it hurts to stand for more than 1 minute......

Fuck this life. I hate that everything good is hard and everything bad is easy.... I have nothing left to expend the kind of work to get thin again just for a "maybe" - I want to live in a world where how you look doesn't matter, THIS AINT THAT WORLD, so its another reason Im leaving.

I'm sorry. I'm a UK size 22 to 24 too. It's tiring to breathe, let alone walk. It's similar where I am - I can't get clothes in a normal store.

Hugs. Hope you can achieve peace. Just want to tell you that you aren't alone. And I'm happy to talk - inbox is open.

 

[jgm63]

Sorry to hear.
With all things I think there can be easier and harder ways of doing things.
You might have mentally convinced yourself that losing weight is "hard", so this becomes your reality.
Perhaps there are ways of losing weight that are quite simple and not actually that hard.

However, I appreciate that perhaps you're not interested in that, and that perhaps there are many other factors involved....

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I am so sorry for the horrible suffering you've endured. I wish I knew what to say to make it better for you. Just know that I care.

Thank you so much, sometimes its the most simple and genuine sentiments that mean the most. :)

That sucks that you feel that way. I agree when you say the good stuff is hard and the bad stuff is easy. So true for sure.

Tons of guys like a plus-sized woman. It's tough to find a real person that can connect with you and see past the flaws we all have.

I remember my dad calling me a fat loser and how I'll never get a girl, etc. The funny thing was, I always thought I was fat but when I would show people pics from when I was younger, they all said I was skinny to average, not even chubby. But since I wasn't ripped, my dad considered me fat for some reason. It's great how the people who are supposed to take care of you shit all over you endlessly.

Sorry you're struggling on all those fronts.

Wow, that is so horrible coming from ones own parent yet i can understand.... its awful how so many of us get it the worst from our parents.

I'm sorry. I'm a UK size 22 to 24 too. It's tiring to breathe, let alone walk. It's similar where I am - I can't get clothes in a normal store.

Hugs. Hope you can achieve peace. Just want to tell you that you aren't alone. And I'm happy to talk - inbox is open.

Hi! Thank you so much, yes, it is very hard......... Thank you for your kindness... I'm sorry you suffer as well...... weight rarely is a single factor but it ties into SO MUCH especially as women, it is a compounding issue.... x0x0x0x

I've always been kinda overweight, but I've really put it on since deciding to ctb. I can't stand to see myself in the mirror, I'm that repulsive but who cares if it's unhealthy if I'm gonna be gone soon, right? I love food and I might as well enjoy it while I can.

I thought the same thing..... but I am gaining weight at such a rapid rate that the pain in my joints is making my last days almost unbearable, so its a fine line to walk, between enjoying myself before I go and still being able to not be bogged down my total misery as well..... ugh I cant wait to get out of here!!!!

The problem is not the fat but the trauma that made you turn to food. If it was not food then it might have been alcohol, drugs, people etc.

Oh i agree! the thing is after 33 years the behavior has solidified with my mental illness and I'm so angry about it because it wasn't identified earlier. I am pissed to find out at age 40 after nothing but abject failure that I have been suffeign from a trauma induced mental/emotioanl disablity all my life. It was in plain sight for decades. Food is the biggest maifestation along with attachment disorder-- so yeah---- Never really developed ANY constructive coping strategies and I have spent 33 years digging myself into a deeper and deeper hole until last summer when I met the man who would be the straw that broke this camels back-- but yes, your absolutly right----- its just that for someone is our particular modes od coping can clump together and become a destructive and ultimately deadly amagamation of a way of living that destroys any hope of having any semblance of a decent life.

This was so sad to read. You're right to blame your mother. Infant formula/bottle feeding rather than breastfeeding especially has been linked to obesity later in life. There is something about the neurohormonal deprivation that goes along with not having been breastfed that seems to cause all manner of emotional and physical problems for people, that much is observable. I was not breastfed myself, but I did breastfeed my own kids, so I can understand fully what I missed out on in my earliest development, and I'm not any healthier mentally or physically, for having been so deprived, as I'm sure you aren't either.

Again, not much comfort to offer other than to say, I truly don't think this is your fault. When we missed out on what we truly needed developmentally when we needed it, there is an insatiable lifelong void left over from that.

I'm so sorry that you are feeling trapped in your body and feeling the aches and pains therewith. I can certainly imagine the helplessness that entails. I have my own health and body issues so I can loosely relate to the feelings. All of these things will pass away in due course. Praying that you will find your peace and be freed from all earthly constraints and the literal heavy burden. Again, I am so so sorry.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. My deprivation as a child and young person was nearly total and complete. I went from a very sick mentally ill abuse mother right into the foster care system where my trauma sysmtoms become worse, were reinforced and moved from institution to institution 25 times before I was 18. I never got proper psychologial intervention. Its so fucking sad. And yes, i will be freed. I will free myself by catching the bus not by trying again to do diets and all that shit.... I'm over it. Fuck this world and its rules....... If I was younger, Id give it a go--- but at 40 for me is washed up too late to have the life I wanted ------ I'm ready for oblivion.