Hi there. My first post. I've been lurking for a few days and appreciate the candid support this community offers.
I've never really fit in and I've never really belonged anywhere. I decided a few days ago to CTB when I am able to. I've had an SO for a few years, but our relationship is not good. He's very manipulative and I know he doesn't mean to be, but he always will be.
Since I left for college 7 years ago, I've watched my family fall apart through a series of complicated situations. The end result is an entire childhood of family memories I can never return to.
These days I have constant flashbacks to past memories. I don't know what triggers them, but I'll be going about my daily life and instantly be reminded of an event or emotion from years and years ago. I know this is a normal thing, but lately it's been getting so much worse for me. I honestly want to see a therapist or psychologist but I can't afford one.
What is hardest of all is the fact that I have given so much of myself to other people for years and years. I'm consistently the hardest worker at my job. I have devoted myself entirely to friends and family who have turned their backs on me in a lot of little, and some very big ways.
I do not want this life anymore. I think about a career change, going back to school, but there is not a single thing I am passionate about.
But I can't go yet. The only thing keeping me here are my 2 pet birds who have been in my family since 2007. They make my heart feel at ease every time I come home to them. I couldn't leave them alone, and they have no one but me. I love them so much.
I also recently acquired a cat that a family member abandoned with me out of the blue. I've never been a cat person, but this cat adores me, even though she has a good bit of anxiety. She's a sweetheart. All 3 of my pets are adopted and I could never bring myself to leave them alone in this world. So I have to stay and be strong for them, for now.
I write all this because I know in my heart that my loneliness and suffering will have an end, and that gives me comfort. Even if I can't leave yet, I know that it will be okay in the end, and I just have to be as comfortable as I can until my time comes. It feels like I'm just a visitor to this world, just passing through.
Thank you for reading, and for the solidarity this community offers.
I've never really fit in and I've never really belonged anywhere. I decided a few days ago to CTB when I am able to. I've had an SO for a few years, but our relationship is not good. He's very manipulative and I know he doesn't mean to be, but he always will be.
Since I left for college 7 years ago, I've watched my family fall apart through a series of complicated situations. The end result is an entire childhood of family memories I can never return to.
These days I have constant flashbacks to past memories. I don't know what triggers them, but I'll be going about my daily life and instantly be reminded of an event or emotion from years and years ago. I know this is a normal thing, but lately it's been getting so much worse for me. I honestly want to see a therapist or psychologist but I can't afford one.
What is hardest of all is the fact that I have given so much of myself to other people for years and years. I'm consistently the hardest worker at my job. I have devoted myself entirely to friends and family who have turned their backs on me in a lot of little, and some very big ways.
I do not want this life anymore. I think about a career change, going back to school, but there is not a single thing I am passionate about.
But I can't go yet. The only thing keeping me here are my 2 pet birds who have been in my family since 2007. They make my heart feel at ease every time I come home to them. I couldn't leave them alone, and they have no one but me. I love them so much.
I also recently acquired a cat that a family member abandoned with me out of the blue. I've never been a cat person, but this cat adores me, even though she has a good bit of anxiety. She's a sweetheart. All 3 of my pets are adopted and I could never bring myself to leave them alone in this world. So I have to stay and be strong for them, for now.
I write all this because I know in my heart that my loneliness and suffering will have an end, and that gives me comfort. Even if I can't leave yet, I know that it will be okay in the end, and I just have to be as comfortable as I can until my time comes. It feels like I'm just a visitor to this world, just passing through.
Thank you for reading, and for the solidarity this community offers.
