Warning sorry for the long rant, I just reallllyyy needed to vent and all my friends and family are sick of it
The BPD ex and I are officially over and have signed new leases to separate apts in the same building (it was the quickest easiest way we could break our lease before March 2021, if we both stayed in the complex) and having read everyone's posts from my previous thread that have BPD really was an eye opener and made me empathetic towards her. I told her I never understand how hard it could be to manage the things she goes thru and apologized for never being supportive enough or there for her in the ways she needed me to be it was just that her anger really kicked my anxiety into overdrive and it made me terrified to say anything to do anything. Then last night I said I'm sorry for always only thinking about myself and how much moving to the state we both live in now only impacted me (we're both from other states and was in a long distance relationship and moved to the state that was in the middle) and that I never considered that even though she was born and raised in the state we live in it was a painful up bringing and that I'm sorry she had to constantly be in survival mode because of those triggers and that I'm sorry she never felt like I put her first and that she didn't deserve to feel like that from me nor from her mother when she was a child. She was a good kid then and is a good person now. I told her I loved her now and always have and that I know there's a fear of abandonment with BPD but I've never wanted to abandon her and I understand we have to live separately but I don't want to force her out of my life but that she would have to choose between stop talking to the person she's been cheating on me with for 4 months or me (not even on a gf level but on a respectful human level) because knowing they still have contact is eating me alive
Today she told me all I do is bring her down and remind her how unhappy she is in this state and how she has self destructive tendencies. I swear to god there is no winning ever. I hope my SN gets here soon because I can't wait til Dec and I'm having to borrow money from my pregnant sister so I feel like if I CTB in Nov it saves her money too. I feel like all the effort I had spent the last 3 days of understanding has been sh*t on.
The BPD ex and I are officially over and have signed new leases to separate apts in the same building (it was the quickest easiest way we could break our lease before March 2021, if we both stayed in the complex) and having read everyone's posts from my previous thread that have BPD really was an eye opener and made me empathetic towards her. I told her I never understand how hard it could be to manage the things she goes thru and apologized for never being supportive enough or there for her in the ways she needed me to be it was just that her anger really kicked my anxiety into overdrive and it made me terrified to say anything to do anything. Then last night I said I'm sorry for always only thinking about myself and how much moving to the state we both live in now only impacted me (we're both from other states and was in a long distance relationship and moved to the state that was in the middle) and that I never considered that even though she was born and raised in the state we live in it was a painful up bringing and that I'm sorry she had to constantly be in survival mode because of those triggers and that I'm sorry she never felt like I put her first and that she didn't deserve to feel like that from me nor from her mother when she was a child. She was a good kid then and is a good person now. I told her I loved her now and always have and that I know there's a fear of abandonment with BPD but I've never wanted to abandon her and I understand we have to live separately but I don't want to force her out of my life but that she would have to choose between stop talking to the person she's been cheating on me with for 4 months or me (not even on a gf level but on a respectful human level) because knowing they still have contact is eating me alive
Today she told me all I do is bring her down and remind her how unhappy she is in this state and how she has self destructive tendencies. I swear to god there is no winning ever. I hope my SN gets here soon because I can't wait til Dec and I'm having to borrow money from my pregnant sister so I feel like if I CTB in Nov it saves her money too. I feel like all the effort I had spent the last 3 days of understanding has been sh*t on.
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