cant take this si nomore

[ever so lonely]

what baffles me about life is no matter how much shit you take and yet keep enduring, suffering endlessly, once you have your method mapped out, have the method in hand, know how to go about it, then the dreaded si kicks in, and is relentless, and your mind becomes a battle field of i want to die, but some part of me somewhere doesnt, i hate the fact our minds are capable of tricking us into believing things can improve, when some of us know damn well sure they wont, or at least we can hazard a good guess to that estimate, we know deep down they wont, i love the fact this place exists, because without it, and being able to vent i would go insane, and be thrown in the looney bin, i am sure of that, honestly i feel i WILL go through with it eventually, and like many here i have nothing to live for absolutely nada, i am sure those already gone went through these same trials and tribulations till they themselves too suceeded, maybe many attempts and many failures and then bam, just like that, gone, my life is endless misery and torture of the mind, i waited so long to get a reliable method, joined this site, to engage with likeminded non judgmental people, have a platform to exchange dialogue beforehand, looked into the method, the dos snd donts etc, and yet the si everybody refers to here then kicks in, and very intense too, our biological instinct to preserve itself at whatever cost, it sucks man, truly, when i tried with paracetamol there was no such si tho ?, just the knowledge that this is it, i will be among my brothers and sisters who also opted out, another statistic, of suicide, but i dont know why then that with a far more feasible method in place i should suddenly falter, be slightly unsure of myself, and my intentions, with a more reliable method at my disposal too, the whole things sucks, and is exhausting, to no end, why should the si kick in, what does it even achieve, why must our minds torture us to despair, and then when we get close to ending it then try to convince us maybe shit could improve, try to play us in that manner, like why must our minds keep us entrapped and then kid us of the fact that maybe we can have hope for the future ?, i feel our minds are just a great big mind fuck, that constantly plays tricks on us, thank you guys and gals for being understanding, and empathetic i cant say i experience this anywhere else, other than here, it seems if you aint like us and open to the idea of suicide your a judgmental fuck tard, who has schaudenfraude and enjoys seeing others down, you see this everywhere with suicidal people, either not taken seriously, or just ignored altogether, till they do it of course, i never got this vibe here, maybe because we are experiencing endless suffering in an endless cycle or loop, we are too exhausted to be judgmental here, for the most part, i so want to die tho, at my core, merely to not suffer anymore, maybe that will never change, the urge to kill myself, till the day i do go through with it, again, si is real, i dont care what it takes to get me over that threshold, whether rage or anger to get me over that poxy line, of suicide, i do intend to snuff myself out, just DOING it tho isnt as simple as they make out it is, if it were i guess none of us would be here posting about it i guess, including me, and those that have already gone through with it are no longer alive to post about it, it requires so much effort, and then the fear of it going wrong somehow kicks in, the what ifs, what if somebody discovers me in my death throes etc, and runs for medical intervention, what if, what if, what if, what if, thank god for this place, and to si i hate you, you ungodly turd, it is horrid we have to battle our minds to overcome si, horrible.

 

[makethepainstop]

what baffles me about life is no matter how much shit you take and yet keep enduring, suffering endlessly, once you have your method mapped out, have the method in hand, know how to go about it, then the dreaded si kicks in, and is relentless, and your mind becomes a battle field of i want to die, but some part of me somewhere doesnt, i hate the fact our minds are capable of tricking us into believing things can improve, when some of us know damn well sure they wont, or at least we can hazard a good guess to that estimate, we know deep down they wont, i love the fact this place exists, because without it, and being able to vent i would go insane, and be thrown in the looney bin, i am sure of that, honestly i feel i WILL go through with it eventually, and like many here i have nothing to live for absolutely nada, i am sure those already gone went through these same trials and tribulations till they themselves too suceeded, maybe many attempts and many failures and then bam, just like that, gone, my life is endless misery and torture of the mind, i waited so long to get a reliable method, joined this site, to engage with likeminded non judgmental people, have a platform to exchange dialogue beforehand, looked into the method, the dos snd donts etc, and yet the si everybody refers to here then kicks in, and very intense too, our biological instinct to preserve itself at whatever cost, it sucks man, truly, when i tried with paracetamol there was no such si tho ?, just the knowledge that this is it, i will be among my brothers and sisters who also opted out, another statistic, of suicide, but i dont know why then that with a far more feasible method in place i should suddenly falter, be slightly unsure of myself, and my intentions, with a more reliable method at my disposal too, the whole things sucks, and is exhausting, to no end, why should the si kick in, what does it even achieve, why must our minds torture us to despair, and then when we get close to ending it then try to convince us maybe shit could improve, try to play us in that manner, like why must our minds keep us entrapped and then kid us of the fact that maybe we can have hope for the future ?, i feel our minds are just a great big mind fuck, that constantly plays tricks on us, thank you guys and gals for being understanding, and empathetic i cant say i experience this anywhere else, other than here, it seems if you aint like us and open to the idea of suicide your a judgmental fuck tard, who has schaudenfraude and enjoys seeing others down, you see this everywhere with suicidal people, either not taken seriously, or just ignored altogether, till they do it of course, i never got this vibe here, maybe because we are experiencing endless suffering in an endless cycle or loop, we are too exhausted to be judgmental here, for the most part, i so want to die tho, at my core, merely to not suffer anymore, maybe that will never change, the urge to kill myself, till the day i do go through with it, again, si is real, i dont care what it takes to get me over that threshold, whether rage or anger to get me over that poxy line, of suicide, i do intend to snuff myself out, just DOING it tho isnt as simple as they make out it is, if it were i guess none of us would be here posting about it i guess, including me, and those that have already gone through with it are no longer alive to post about it, it requires so much effort, and then the fear of it going wrong somehow kicks in, the what ifs, what if somebody discovers me in my death throes etc, and runs for medical intervention, what if, what if, what if, what if, thank god for this place, and to si i hate you, you ungodly turd, it is horrid we have to battle our minds to overcome si, horrible.

The times I have tried to escape this earthy veil of tears and failed,(due to method or discovery,not for lack of trying), I overrode si. I simply ignored emotion, and proceeded with almost clinical detachment. Stage one start of sequence, stage two sequence in process, stage three sequence in progress, stage four unconsciousness sequence.....stage five terminal sequence stage organs and systems failure, stage six sequence cessation of life and function. When I go through an attempt to ctb I do what I think of as pre-launch startup sequence, I imagine a small part of the star trek movie,"The Wrath of Khan". The part where Khan starts the Genesis device pushing in the last control and the device starts flashing the word, "COMMIT"..blinking over and over. And the part where Kirk says we'll Beam over and stop it. I love it when Kirk's scientist son tells him, "YOU CAN'T!" Because once I decide to begin my pre-launch sequence I tend to follow through, I go into logic mode. I do not allow my si to override my logic. It's difficult for many I have to admit, however once there are sufficient stressors applied....it becomes so much easier for most. Logic tells me my health, finances, love life, and appearance cannot under any circumstances be improved. There is no magic Santa Claus or Jesus going to fix these things. So why in hell should I continue to suffer? Logic helps me a lot. Much love to you, and all here who hurt.

 

[ever so lonely]

i hear you brother i have detached myself also from emotions and expectations, it is like everything is available and at the last minute we falter, i get the impression tho that what we need to remind ourselves of is what led us to this point, the endless suffering, i hope your ok man considering, and you find peace with whatever you decide to do, thanks for commenting, i appreciate it, the fact we cant likely escape our own minds has me severely beaten down dude, sure you can do booze and drugs but those are short term relief only, if there any feasible relief to begin with ?, they just lead onto dependency issues and other problems way i see it, opening up a whole new can of worms, suicide seems the only long term permanent solution to escaping our minds, thanks again for taking the time to share your thoughts my friend

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course leaving this world can be very difficult because as humans we have to overcome the SI. Even know we wish to die the SI can prolong our suffering, keeping us trapped in this life. But after all, so many people have succeeded with ctb despite this and I envy them. I do believe that the SI is easier to overcome the more peaceful the method is and the less risks that are involved in the method. Those with N are the most lucky, I think that if I had that method then I would already be gone.