Can’t take another life challenge

[old_soul]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

 

[Danby]

Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works?

Yes, I do. I am so tired of being sad and depressed all the time. What happiness I do have is temporary--something always happens to make it go away. :-(

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

Please dont end your damn life, go and live it for me and the others on here who are desperate to live but cant due to chronic pain or illness.

 

[old_soul]

Yes, I do. I am so tired of being sad and depressed all the time. What happiness I do have is temporary--something always happens to make it go away. :-(

totally relate to that sentiment. Do you ever have the thought of "if this keeps happening, there's no way I'm not the problem" ? That's where I'm at now. Life dealt me a metric pile of shit from birth, which made me a human that generally struggles to act completely normal, but holy hell… people in this world suck so much. Is it possible that some people genuinely draw a shitty life card? Or are those people simply "the source of their own problems" ? I'm really just at a weird crossroads intellectually I guess. I fake my way through every single day. Smile, laugh, make others laugh. No one knows the first and last thought I have every day is eating a gun. It's like a feeling of "the world has fully decided they don't want me here" I guess is what I'm feeling. I'm just sick of the feeling, no one deserves this. My fault, everyone else's fault, at the end of the day I just want to opt out and be done with it but feel like I need a major crisis to really give me the courage. How much can a soul endure ya know.

Please dont end your damn life, go and live it for me and the others on here who are desperate to live but cant due to chronic pain or illness.

30 years of being suicidal from trauma qualifies as chronic pain. Not the same as yours possibly, but not less relevant.

 

[Danby]

Indeed--how much CAN a soul endure?

I think if I had a gun I'd have ctbed by now. But I live in a state where guns are hard to get. That, and my daughters, are the only things stopping me now. Plus there's a part of me that still has hope things will get better. My wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me, which hasn't helped, though more and more I'm realizing I'll be happier without her as she is one of the main causes of my anxiety. But I worry--I am autistic and don't do well with change, so having to move, the fear of not finding another partner, etc., adds to my depression--and that makes me think it just might be easier to end it all and not go through with all that. But maybe, just maybe, once the transition is done, things will be better. I'm clinging to that hope, foolishly perhaps.

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

totally relate to that sentiment. Do you ever have the thought of "if this keeps happening, there's no way I'm not the problem" ? That's where I'm at now. Life dealt me a metric pile of shit from birth, which made me a human that generally struggles to act completely normal, but holy hell… people in this world suck so much. Is it possible that some people genuinely draw a shitty life card? Or are those people simply "the source of their own problems" ? I'm really just at a weird crossroads intellectually I guess. I fake my way through every single day. Smile, laugh, make others laugh. No one knows the first and last thought I have every day is eating a gun. It's like a feeling of "the world has fully decided they don't want me here" I guess is what I'm feeling. I'm just sick of the feeling, no one deserves this. My fault, everyone else's fault, at the end of the day I just want to opt out and be done with it but feel like I need a major crisis to really give me the courage. How much can a soul endure ya know.

30 years of being suicidal from trauma qualifies as chronic pain. Not the same as yours possibly, but not less relevant.

Its weird but i was depressed before i got sick, now i would give anything to go back and slap myself and say nothing really matters, please can you try to keep going and find whatever small things you can enjoy, and enjoy being in a pain free body, imagine if your attempt fails and you end up really regretting it.

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

Dude go back to therapy, you sound wonderful and people don't relate to you because they're like pigeons and you're flying above them. Go and take a week off to do nice things for yourself. If you shoot yourself I'll be very mad.

 

[old_soul]

Indeed--how much CAN a soul endure?

I think if I had a gun I'd have ctbed by now. But I live in a state where guns are hard to get. That, and my daughters, are the only things stopping me now. Plus there's a part of me that still has hope things will get better. My wife of nearly thirty years is divorcing me, which hasn't helped, though more and more I'm realizing I'll be happier without her as she is one of the main causes of my anxiety. But I worry--I am autistic and don't do well with change, so having to move, the fear of not finding another partner, etc., adds to my depression--and that makes me think it just might be easier to end it all and not go through with all that. But maybe, just maybe, once the transition is done, things will be better. I'm clinging to that hope, foolishly perhaps.

I hope your new life pattern helps you find a more stable ground to try again. Change is scary if you've gotten used to a certain pattern of life at a certain age, guessing that is probably heightened with autism. I'm tired of change just because I feel so old inside. It's like my brain is rotting while being alive. Layoff, moving, only to find the same internal misery wherever I go that mirrors the misery I just left. The past demons from childhood move with you, even if you don't want them to. The new people that come along still lie, cheat, steal and betray… If I had one instance to point to in my past where a well intentioned life change actually resulted in the improvements I was seeking I wouldn't be at the end of my rope.. but no matter what I've done it all leads back to here. Kids would change the whole discussion though for sure. I'm really sorry you're feeling this way.

 

[Kalista]

Its weird but i was depressed before i got sick, now i would give anything to go back and slap myself and say nothing really matters, please can you try to keep going and find whatever small things you can enjoy, and enjoy being in a pain free body, imagine if your attempt fails and you end up really regretting it.

Dude go back to therapy, you sound wonderful and people don't relate to you because they're like pigeons and you're flying above them. Go and take a week off to do nice things for yourself. If you shoot yourself I'll be very mad.

his life, his choice. he doesn't live for you or anyone else. he doesn't need to justify to you or anyone his pain and decision to end it.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of it all, I'll always feel tired in my case but anyway I wish you all the best.

 

[Chronicallyunwell]

his life, his choice. he doesn't live for you or anyone else. he doesn't need to justify to you or anyone his pain and decision to end it.

I agree but these posts where situations can change are so fucking hard to read.

 

[naturelle]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

I have felt as you do. I am sorry for your troubles but please know that it's normal. "As the sparks fly so is man born to trouble..." Have you turned to your Maker? You will most likely find acceptance in a good church.

 

[Onelessstraw]

I've decided that the next "big life crisis" that comes along will be the nudge I need to finally pull the trigger. The scary part is, I'm not even actively depressed right now - just life anxiety. I'm so tired of fighting through life. Trying. Everything is a battle for me. Seeking therapy. Working on myself. My soul fibers are just exhausted.. I feel like I've lived 100 years and I'm not even 40. 30 years now I've contemplated ending my life on and off, but always dug down and gritted my teeth and got through it …only to wind up in the exact same mental place over and over and over. Does anyone else feel that no matter what they do, no matter what therapy they have, what self help books they read.. nothing works? I feel like everywhere I go, I'm eventually rejected. Misjudged. Misunderstood. I'm funny. I'm intelligent. I'm empathetic. I make people laugh. I'm soulful. Good at my career. Intellectual. A high achiever. Yet… rejected from society because I'm just not similar enough to everyone else. I don't follow trends. I don't do social media. Is that threatening to other people? I'm tired of living. Haunted by my past. Haunted by my family. Feeling like my life was cursed from the start. Everything or everyone I've ever loved has either died or abandoned me abruptly. I'm just heartbroken.

Over a year ago I bought what I thought would be the gun I eventually ctb with. A .38 special with hollow points. This year I decided to buy a .44 S&W with hollow points bc I don't have an option for this to not work and got nervous after reading here that my first gun was probably insufficient. It has to work. I have no family that gives a shit about me to care for me if I vegetable myself.

So here I am. Anticipating a possible job layoff soon due to the economy being not good in my industry. Not even depressed right now, but contemplating ending it all simply because I'm too tired to navigate one more challenging life shit surprise. As an ACE score of 8 this seems like a likely outcome for me anyways. I don't deserve this. I love myself enough to give myself relief, if I do it it will be the bravest thing I've ever done.

I feel relief that I'm not alone here. Reading others posts, they make me feel more normal.

Yes, ever life challenge has pushed me that little bit closer to this point. I feel your pain

 

[Just A NPC]

30 years of being suicidal from trauma qualifies as chronic pain.

Thank you for writing this. It's one of those moments of reading something and it just clicking something in your brain for me. I am in my early 40s, have battled my bipolar and trauma my entire life, and I'd never have thought to compare this to chronic pain. Such strong words I am grateful to see in just one sentence.

I relate to your entire post and think I needed to see this today. Sincerely thank you.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

I have felt as you do. I am sorry for your troubles but please know that it's normal. "As the sparks fly so is man born to trouble..." Have you turned to your Maker? You will most likely find acceptance in a good church.

For real?!??
Like really? Go read the rules page again or for the first time please. Thanks

 

[uglyugly]

I can identify with feeling so much older than I am. I think your name says it all: you are an old soul. I think for folks like us, living in the material world with all its bullshit is exceptionally tiring.

I'm in my mid 50s, which I am guessing might sound like I'm a dinosaur to some folks on here :) Needless to say, I feel like I'm in my mid 80s and I'm at the 2 minute warning of the 4th quarter, to use an American football reference. But even before that happened, I always felt way older than I was and that my time on this planet was going to be over soon.

I have never fit in society either and it bothered me for years. I hated myself so damn much for not "getting it" and not being able to jump on whatever trend was happening. I tried fixing my hair and wearing the same clothes, but felt fake (that's one tiny example of trying to fit in) and I hated being fake. I don't do social media, either, and I actually think you're smart for not doing it. Most of it is mindless dribble and it sounds like you're way beyond wanting that.

I finally, a year or so ago, decided fuck it, since I am getting ready to die, I'm going to be myself. I don't give half a rat's ass who does not like how I live, how I look, what my values are, what I believe or don't believe, what I do for a living, how damn poor I am, or any damn thing else. This is my life and for the last few years I'm on this stinking planet, I refuse to be anyone other than me. It's a damn shame that I was on this planet over a half a century before I decided to try being me. Wish it would have been in my 20s. I sure would have been happier. But, I'm happy I tried now.

I am sorry to hear about your situation and I understand the absolute exhaustion. I was asking myself the other night if I was really suicidal or just so goddamn tired and hopeless that they only way out of this exhausting mess was to end my life. I haven't decided yet which one I am. Regardless of whatever path you take, I hope you find peace and rest.

 

[DOHARDTHINGS24]

Hi
I completely empathise with your situation. It is my own. I am not the least depressed right now, even though I have struggled with it greatly in my life. And yet now is the time for me to CTB. Which makes me think it's coming from a rational place, rather than reactiveness to a random set of circumstances. I am violently opposed to the people who post on here trying to save people - it's against the basic rules of the site & pushing god onto anyone gets my goat. Your god means something to you, not to everyone. So, even though I one hundred per cent mirror your situation, I'll give you one reason for & one reason against & leave it up to you - it's your decision. Obviously.
One on the Just. Do. It side of the argument is that the what doesn't kill us theory has been totally disproved - we grow less & less resilient over time - our 13th reason why, our straw that broke the camel's back. It's real.
On the other side, conventional therapies (& I mean meds & nearly all therapies, especially traditional talk-based therapies) don't tackle trauma head on. Trauma needs a different approach than depression or other things. So if you haven't tried a therapy that tackles trauma, maybe have a go at that first??? Like biofeedback or neurofeedback or kinesiology? Trauma needs a therapy that bypasses the rational / logical / thinking brain & talks to your gut / past / trauma / inner child. If god is your thing go for it, I just can't handle it personally. If anything was to save me, it would be the therapies mentioned above - I've received radical change quickly - mind blowing & life changing for me - not something I've achieved after trying every other thing in the universe - Traditional Chinese Herbal teas & acupuncture through to every antidepressant known to man - I feel like I "could've" maybe achieved success & been "healed" enough to live a proper life if my physical health hadn't deteriorated to the point of no return. But it has. My body broke before my mind & that's legitimately not something I anticipated. Almost funny, but not quite. Maybe look into how the body stores trauma & how to release it??? I wish you luck. But as someone who always provides the loudest laugh in any room, every day, all the time, on switch never off, no matter how broken inside, I know how goddamn exhausting that is & wouldn't judge you for a second if you swung the other way. It's about making informed choices that are right for you. If you can be saved, be saved. If help will help, get help. If you've made a decision that won't be unmade, people should respect that. And if not here, then where????? Best of luck, whatever that may look like to you.