Venting Can’t stand the thought of living

[Ardesevent]

I don't want to watch myself rot. I don't want to watch myself fall even further behind everyone else. I don't want to go out and fails at fixing my problems. I don't want to live.
I know life is pointless, and the only thing you can do is have fun. But when you can't do that, what is there to live for? In my current state, I can't even impact someone else's life positively, if at all.
When I look back at my life so far, all it's been is a series of failures. I failed to reach out and make friends in grade school. I failed to do the same in middle school, then high school. I failed to trust the right people. I failed to do anything productive with my time. And now I've lost all motivation to do my work in college, so I'll most likely fail there too. I can't stand the thought of going on and having it happen again.

 

[Castrato]

I have this same issue. I see all my mistakes when I look back. That's why I hope after we die we can somehow be reincarnated and do better next time.

 

[sighingspider]

I was browsing through some social media today, when I saw a quote that really struck me. And I think it applies to you too. It was about giving all your strength to do something, but being forced to redo it again. Even if you know what you are doing, you wouldn't want to go on. I think that applies to most of us, we try to fit into society, try to act "normal", but when society comes around and slaps you on the back, you feel defeated. But I think that, there is always a way to learn from the fear of restarting all over again when life is about to give you the barber slap. Maybe it's by volunteering somewhere, or just visiting the animal farm.
I don't know if it helps though

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

Productivity is overrated. That word is a corporate/government buzzword pushed on you so you'll be encouraged to enrich your owners.

 

[rabbithole]

I have this same issue. I see all my mistakes when I look back. That's why I hope after we die we can somehow be reincarnated and do better next time.

I hope the same.

 

[demuic]

I relate so much. It's the same cycle and nothing ever changes.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

You never know when or what may happen to change things, what effect a person or circumstance unknowingly has on another.

Story: June, 2019. I had an argument with my sister, who made a targeted, cutting remark that blew me away. I got in my car, drove to the local gun store to buy a gun and kill myself as soon as I got back home. I had passed it many times but had never gone in. The owner of the gun store is a tiny, white-haired, 80+ year old lady. Of course, I did not tell her my intention, we had never met before. She showed me different pistols, talked about shooting, while we waited for the background check. She was such a Character that by the time I left, the ideation was gone. She did nothing special, she was just herself. But she saved me that day. I have been in there numerous times since, bought three more guns, and when I feel really down, I sometimes go there just to say hello and always come out feeling better. She does not know how just being herself has helped me.

Maybe something you do or some offhand remark you make will truly affect someone's life in a big way. Sometimes I think maybe there is something I have yet to do, that keeps me alive. It's a romantic notion, I know. Meh.

Btw, interestingly enough, I was in there a few days ago. She mentioned she used to be a counselor. You can't make this stuff up.