Duochrome-Seahorse
I hope I start rotting in my sleep
- Feb 23, 2023
- 60
I keep thinking about how I never usually talked to anyone when i was younger until I was "invited" to the convo. I'd always wait until i was wanted and I never thought much of anything. I miss that dearly because now I care about what a lot of people think and it has ruined my life for such a long time. I wish I was stronger.
Not only that, I can't seem to be interested in talking to people for long periods of time. I prefer solitude even when I'm lonely, and I tend to force myself to talk to people because if I don't they'll never come to talk to me again. keeping up socially is so much work and I'm hoping that after this bump in my life I can actually look at someone, and don't feel this guilt that I'm not doing enough. I'm a asocial person since birth, but depression has made it more prominent in my everyday life. I really want to be interested in people and their lives, I had that ability, but I think after going thru so much betrayal I can't help but hesitate to get to know someone.
Since I have BPD I'm so scared I'm going to have a favorite person again. All of my past ones were so shit, I don't want the next one to be shit, but not having one is so boring. My life is so boring, but I declawed myself into doing anything impulsive so I don't get kicked out of my parent's house. I'm doing so well right now, I'm trying to take better care of myself and find a job, but playing by the rules is so fucking boring.
Coping with my boredom with exercising and hobbies can only do so much, but it's all I'm comfortable with. I wanna pick up an extreme sport or something. something that could kill me immediately, can look like an accident, anything. Every single day is soo fucking boring. Only certain activities that are repetitive and take discipline make me feel some sorta rush, like walking everyday no matter what. i really would love to feel any sort of joy I felt years ago. If only...
Not only that, I can't seem to be interested in talking to people for long periods of time. I prefer solitude even when I'm lonely, and I tend to force myself to talk to people because if I don't they'll never come to talk to me again. keeping up socially is so much work and I'm hoping that after this bump in my life I can actually look at someone, and don't feel this guilt that I'm not doing enough. I'm a asocial person since birth, but depression has made it more prominent in my everyday life. I really want to be interested in people and their lives, I had that ability, but I think after going thru so much betrayal I can't help but hesitate to get to know someone.
Since I have BPD I'm so scared I'm going to have a favorite person again. All of my past ones were so shit, I don't want the next one to be shit, but not having one is so boring. My life is so boring, but I declawed myself into doing anything impulsive so I don't get kicked out of my parent's house. I'm doing so well right now, I'm trying to take better care of myself and find a job, but playing by the rules is so fucking boring.
Coping with my boredom with exercising and hobbies can only do so much, but it's all I'm comfortable with. I wanna pick up an extreme sport or something. something that could kill me immediately, can look like an accident, anything. Every single day is soo fucking boring. Only certain activities that are repetitive and take discipline make me feel some sorta rush, like walking everyday no matter what. i really would love to feel any sort of joy I felt years ago. If only...
