Venting Can't process kindness

[Starfire]

I was raised in a household that uses physical and emotional abuse as a discipline. Apparently, it's how they show "love."

I have been in a physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive.. "relationship"?- Well, it depends on how you define relationship. Technically it is a deep connection between two or more people so ye, that's that.

I abuse myself- idk why honestly, probably because that's the kind of treatment I grew up receiving. I abuse alcohol, I physically hurt myself, and I endure people's unfair treatment of me.

People abuse my kindness. Yeah, I rarely admit that I'm kind. I honestly never do. But fuck it. Thinking about it, I really am too kind. I feel too much. I sympathize too much. I have been treated so terribly that I don't want others to feel any way close to how I felt.. to how I'm feeling. And it makes me so mad that my unfortunate experiences have to dictate the way I SHOULD treat people just because I know how awful it is. And I'm even more mad because I'm feeling that it's really unfair that I have to be very understanding and considerate of other people who honestly doesn't give an ounce of care to how I'm feeling.

But I guess that's just the way it goes.

All my confidence and basic self-love have been stripped from me already and I hate that I feel like I deserve it. There's a constant battle in my head whether I should fight for myself or continue to allow those things to happen.

I was never used to being treated so kindly that each time someone tries to, I am very suspicious of the intent behind it. I suppose my friends mean well but honestly, I never believed them. And if I did, it's only a matter of time before I doubt their entire action. I guess I only thank and appreciate the gesture because it's the standard response?

Receiving genuine love is a strange feeling to me and I think I lack of the ability to process the feeling. It doesn't give me joy but rather, more fear and doubt. I wish it didn't. But I honestly have zero control of it.

I act normally- a response I have learned to master overtime. It works. At this point I don't think anyone would ever be suspicious of how truly repulsive I am on their "kindness".

Disgusting.

 

[daddy Phil :)]

I sympathize too much. I have been treated so terribly that I don't want others to feel any way close to how I felt.. to how I'm feeling. And it makes me so mad that my unfortunate experiences have to dictate the way I SHOULD treat people just because I know how awful it is. And I'm even more mad because I'm feeling that it's really unfair that I have to be very understanding and considerate of other people who honestly doesn't give an ounce of care to how I'm feeling.

I can relate to this so damn much! If I really have to be honest with myself, I'm too kind compared to most people and a lot of people have used me for this. Even when I could clearly see some people were using me, I didn't care as long as they were happy and I was usefull to them. My whole life I have been thinking about others, trying to make everyone around me as happy as I could, and now look at me, look were I am now, thinking about hurting myself every single day all because I never cared about myself, I never looked at how I'm feeing, I never tried to make myself happy!

I'm sorry you have to go through this and I really hope people will treat you better because you deserve it! :)

 

[Neowise]

I was raised in a household that uses physical and emotional abuse as a discipline. Apparently, it's how they show "love."

I have been in a physically, verbally, emotionally, and mentally abusive.. "relationship"?- Well, it depends on how you define relationship. Technically it is a deep connection between two or more people so ye, that's that.

I abuse myself- idk why honestly, probably because that's the kind of treatment I grew up receiving. I abuse alcohol, I physically hurt myself, and I endure people's unfair treatment of me.

People abuse my kindness. Yeah, I rarely admit that I'm kind. I honestly never do. But fuck it. Thinking about it, I really am too kind. I feel too much. I sympathize too much. I have been treated so terribly that I don't want others to feel any way close to how I felt.. to how I'm feeling. And it makes me so mad that my unfortunate experiences have to dictate the way I SHOULD treat people just because I know how awful it is. And I'm even more mad because I'm feeling that it's really unfair that I have to be very understanding and considerate of other people who honestly doesn't give an ounce of care to how I'm feeling.

But I guess that's just the way it goes.

All my confidence and basic self-love have been stripped from me already and I hate that I feel like I deserve it. There's a constant battle in my head whether I should fight for myself or continue to allow those things to happen.

I was never used to being treated so kindly that each time someone tries to, I am very suspicious of the intent behind it. I suppose my friends mean well but honestly, I never believed them. And if I did, it's only a matter of time before I doubt their entire action. I guess I only thank and appreciate the gesture because it's the standard response?

Receiving genuine love is a strange feeling to me and I think I lack of the ability to process the feeling. It doesn't give me joy but rather, more fear and doubt. I wish it didn't. But I honestly have zero control of it.

I act normally- a response I have learned to master overtime. It works. At this point I don't think anyone would ever be suspicious of how truly repulsive I am on their "kindness".

Disgusting.

This could have been written by me, not gonna lie.
Same story: emotional abusive family, occasionally beaten as punishment, no self respect, overtly kind and helpful to anyone, I ask myself why I do this and I hate receiving kindness because I believe I don't deserve it or people want something from me.

My 4 year old niece sometimes comes and cuddles with me, but I don't know how to process that because I didn't grew up with that. With... positive physical contact. The only hugs I get are for my birthday, Christmas or good marks so I don't understand why people cuddle, hug me, pat my shoulder or whatever just for nothing. There has to be a reason behind it, right?! People aren't nice to you just because they want to be nice?!
Same thing with compliments. I just can't accept them because most of the time they aren't true. People just want to be kind.

I truly feel you there.

 

[Starfire]

This could have been written by me, not gonna lie.
Same story: emotional abusive family, occasionally beaten as punishment, no self respect, overtly kind and helpful to anyone, I ask myself why I do this and I hate receiving kindness because I believe I don't deserve it or people want something from me.

My 4 year old niece sometimes comes and cuddles with me, but I don't know how to process that because I didn't grew up with that. With... positive physical contact. The only hugs I get are for my birthday, Christmas or good marks so I don't understand why people cuddle, hug me, pat my shoulder or whatever just for nothing. There has to be a reason behind it, right?! People aren't nice to you just because they want to be nice?!
Same thing with compliments. I just can't accept them because most of the time they aren't true. People just want to be kind.

I truly feel you there.

I pray that one day you'll finally find genuine acceptance of care and love, most importantly from yourself
I hope you heal from all the things people and yourself have put you through, and that one day you'll also learn to love yourself :(

I can relate to this so damn much! If I really have to be honest with myself, I'm too kind compared to most people and a lot of people have used me for this. Even when I could clearly see some people were using me, I didn't care as long as they were happy and I was usefull to them. My whole life I have been thinking about others, trying to make everyone around me as happy as I could, and now look at me, look were I am now, thinking about hurting myself every single day all because I never cared about myself, I never looked at how I'm feeing, I never tried to make myself happy!

I'm sorry you have to go through this and I really hope people will treat you better because you deserve it! :)

 

[motel rooms]

Most of us who were abused as children never really get over it. Practicing self-compassion is the only way out, but it's so fucking hard to do...