Venting can’t make the thoughts stop

[tatumtots]

The thoughts are getting so hard to fight back. I don't have anywhere else in the world to put this. Mentally I feel like I'm in a room that's on fire like David Foster Wallace. Physically it manifests as my stomach hurting, my ears ringing, my toes curled up, and I can feel this uncomfortable electricity running down my legs. When I get really low I lean more into my religious beliefs. I am crying out to God to either show me another way or make it stop. Show me mercy in death that I can't find on Earth. I beg for forgiveness and salvation but it feels like God has turned His back on me. It's like I'm mentally holding back this dam and I don't have the strength to hold it back anymore. I try to push away the thoughts of CTB but they're too strong and I'm so weak on the inside. I just want to make it stop.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I apologize I haven't read any of your other posts so might be oblivious to things, but is there anyone you could confide in or would others' presence in person comfort you at all? I don't know if confessions are a thing since I've only seen them on tv, perhaps they aren't safe either to really speak there, I don't know just thoughts. I can't escape mine either but doing things to fill the time, the more mindless the better, can sometimes help me until it makes me feel worse. Maybe even just go around and answer posts on here. Might not get you out of a negative headspace, but it might slightly divert your thoughts depending on the topics you visit. In any case I wish you luck and hope you can find relief from them somehow soon, even if it is perhaps just sleep or something for now. Hoping the best for you, I'm sorry your mind is torturing you so much.

 

[tatumtots]

I apologize I haven't read any of your other posts so might be oblivious to things, but is there anyone you could confide in or would others' presence in person comfort you at all? I don't know if confessions are a thing since I've only seen them on tv, perhaps they aren't safe either to really speak there, I don't know just thoughts. I can't escape mine either but doing things to fill the time, the more mindless the better, can sometimes help me until it makes me feel worse. Maybe even just go around and answer posts on here. Might not get you out of a negative headspace, but it might slightly divert your thoughts depending on the topics you visit. In any case I wish you luck and hope you can find relief from them somehow soon, even if it is perhaps just sleep or something for now. Hoping the best for you, I'm sorry your mind is torturing you so much.

I've been considering going to Church at least once before I CTB and maybe even confession. Confession is a pretty safe place to talk about things, I don't think priests are mandatory reporters. I want to feel at peace with God before I go. I got a new book to read so I might try that to distract myself. Sometimes I can distract myself from the thoughts but the physical sensations are harder to ignore

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really horrible what you are going through, I can imagine that it must be unbearable. I understand that it is hard to carry on when you are suffering so much. I am sorry that you are going through this. I wish you the best in whatever happens.