Help Can't get over what they did to me and feel so stuck

[phantomisgone]

It's been two years since my SN attempt. Surviving physically, but mentally, it's been tough.

A former friend betrayed me, put myself into therapy to get better, started to live my life how I want to, and hoping that I can just... be. Exist. Be myself. I did a 180 and got better for a while. However, it feels like I'm doing another 180. My mentality and outlook on the world has changed. I don't have that wonder and kindness anymore and it makes me disappointed.

I'm just so vengeful over this whole fiasco. How I couldn't handle the world and was brought back from my SN attempt. As if I'm not allowed to leave and have some purpose here.
I have to see the faces of the people who did me wrong while they get to live blissfuly. The people who've ruined a lot of good things for me, get to live on as happy, while I have to make plans to "start over" in life and get away from them. I have to be the one who "proves them wrong"? Why do *I* have to live my life like that? I don't want to.

What makes me so frustrated is that I can't even touch them. It would make me "the wrong one". "Who am I to judge people" is what people constantly tell me, but who are they to make me a victim?

I don't want to live with this victim mentality in my life. Nor do I want to live as if I got something to prove. I just want to exist. To be.

Everyone always tell me how they need people like me in the world, but I just always question why they cannot be that person themselves?
I just feel so stuck. Sometimes, I wish that I was an abuser. So that way, I can feel like how my abusers feel. Nothing. I wouldn't be sitting here, on my laptop, complaining. Probably doing my own thing.
I just hate the world.

 

[galier]

Everyone always tell me how they need people like me in the world, but I just always question why they cannot be that person themselves?
I just feel so stuck. Sometimes, I wish that I was an abuser. So that way, I can feel like how my abusers feel. Nothing. I wouldn't be sitting here, on my laptop, complaining. Probably doing my own thing.
I just hate the world.

I had never thought about it from that perspective, but it resonates with me a lot right now. Honestly I too sometimes wish I could be the abuser so I could live without feeling anything, just live and not suffer the consequences of being someone who cares about others. But more than that, I wish very deeply that the world were different, and that evil were not the norm.