Poptart
Try me Frozen
- Nov 7, 2019
- 96
Sorry for the rambling. I'm drunk as usual.
I have been alone almost all my life. And it has been quite an odyssey.
When I was 6 my parents divorced. My mother cheated on my father with an ex-convict. As you can imagine, this drug addicted madman was more than happy to beat everyone in the family down to a pulp. I begged and pleaded with my mother to leave him as a child and she never would. The only person she considered kicking out of the home was me- because I wouldn't play along with her sadistic husband's fantasy. She had CPS, psychiatrists, and everyone else telling her he was dangerous. She still chose him.
By the time I was twelve I was hospitalized for PTSD. I wasn't actively suicidal but was in such distress my body was shutting itself down. I was too afraid to sleep. I had knives and blades under my bed. I pulled my hair out from stress, literally. At school I couldn't focus. I didn't see a future. My family was going to be murdered. I knew that; my step "father" had promised to kill us all so many times.
I was sent to a group home for a time where I confessed to sexual abuse. I still remember being brought to a sterile room with male cops and a giant camera aimed at my face. They asked me invasive questions about my vagina. In the end, all I got was a stupid stuffed bunny.
After this I was homeschooled. I had no friends. I was completely isolated. I was moved to Europe where I wasted away in a fucking clock tower alone. My mother took us on months long ski trips where I would snowboard during the day and do schoolwork at night. I fucking hate snowboarding. I didn't care to see Italy, France, England, or Belgium. I just wanted a friend. I wanted a home.
After being homeschooled, my mother sent me to a British boarding school. (American, here, by the way.) I was mercilessly bullied and isolated. I have never felt more hopeless in my life. How can I go from homeschool, group home, to high-end boarding school effortlessly?
Then I hid my passport in a potted plant. And ended up in an American public high school. Where I met my first and best friend.
This person was like me. He was funny, smart, witty, and had pain to complement me. He is the first and only person I have ever met that loves me. He loved me for me. He knew me. I knew him.
Of course, we didn't date right away. He dated someone else; I got married at 19 to ease the burden of myself off my family. (Okay, long story short, my husband is a total asshole. He thinks that women who are raped "were asking for it." Talking to him was worse than talking to a brick wall. At least a brick wall ECHOES. He was like a soundproof room. But even my words weren't completely absorbed in his head. He just ignored me. He was honestly terrible. It's a long story.)
But I left my husband and we moved into an apartment together. And I was actually happy. Very, very happy.
I graduated college with a law degree. I had an excellent job in real estate. He started working at a corporate job making 35/hour.
We had a house. A dog. A joint bank account. After all I had been through, I was safe. I was home. I was happy. I had love and comfort.
And then, he left his email open.
His "friend" had started her own porn blog on tumblr. They emailed each other nudes of one another. They met up without telling me. He wanted to give her 1000 dollars for a graduation present. He wanted to spend a week long vacation with her.
I just broke down.
I grabbed a bottle of vodka, a hand gun, a packet of razors and drove to the nearest public park. I was planning on ending it then. Instead, I ended up handcuffed in the back of a cop car being sectioned off for two weeks.
Fast forward through more suicide attempts, medical problems (I have a brain tumor), etc. etc. My family bought me a house. I only pay for electric and water. Thats it. I have a job as a teacher.
My coworkers love me. They want to hang out on the weekend. I can go on dates any day I want, I suppose. I only pay $300 in bills a month. I spend every day with kiddos that i truly love.
And, yet. I want to die. Because I am still alone. My ex boyfriend was the only person that ever made me feel like I belonged. Now I feel like I don;t belong on this planet.
Ugh, whatever. It's all too long for me to tolerate typing out.
Just, my SN comes this Tuesday.
Is there any way to get over my exboyfriend before Tuesday so I can tolerate living? Otherwise, I'll be gone before Christmas.
I can't tolerate living on the same planet as her. She seems so above me. So superior and worthy of life. I'm not. It seem immoral to live alongside this other woman on the same planet. I feel like its my duty to remove myself from earth. I just cant.
I need more alchohol. ugh, yall. pleas.e
I have been alone almost all my life. And it has been quite an odyssey.
When I was 6 my parents divorced. My mother cheated on my father with an ex-convict. As you can imagine, this drug addicted madman was more than happy to beat everyone in the family down to a pulp. I begged and pleaded with my mother to leave him as a child and she never would. The only person she considered kicking out of the home was me- because I wouldn't play along with her sadistic husband's fantasy. She had CPS, psychiatrists, and everyone else telling her he was dangerous. She still chose him.
By the time I was twelve I was hospitalized for PTSD. I wasn't actively suicidal but was in such distress my body was shutting itself down. I was too afraid to sleep. I had knives and blades under my bed. I pulled my hair out from stress, literally. At school I couldn't focus. I didn't see a future. My family was going to be murdered. I knew that; my step "father" had promised to kill us all so many times.
I was sent to a group home for a time where I confessed to sexual abuse. I still remember being brought to a sterile room with male cops and a giant camera aimed at my face. They asked me invasive questions about my vagina. In the end, all I got was a stupid stuffed bunny.
After this I was homeschooled. I had no friends. I was completely isolated. I was moved to Europe where I wasted away in a fucking clock tower alone. My mother took us on months long ski trips where I would snowboard during the day and do schoolwork at night. I fucking hate snowboarding. I didn't care to see Italy, France, England, or Belgium. I just wanted a friend. I wanted a home.
After being homeschooled, my mother sent me to a British boarding school. (American, here, by the way.) I was mercilessly bullied and isolated. I have never felt more hopeless in my life. How can I go from homeschool, group home, to high-end boarding school effortlessly?
Then I hid my passport in a potted plant. And ended up in an American public high school. Where I met my first and best friend.
This person was like me. He was funny, smart, witty, and had pain to complement me. He is the first and only person I have ever met that loves me. He loved me for me. He knew me. I knew him.
Of course, we didn't date right away. He dated someone else; I got married at 19 to ease the burden of myself off my family. (Okay, long story short, my husband is a total asshole. He thinks that women who are raped "were asking for it." Talking to him was worse than talking to a brick wall. At least a brick wall ECHOES. He was like a soundproof room. But even my words weren't completely absorbed in his head. He just ignored me. He was honestly terrible. It's a long story.)
But I left my husband and we moved into an apartment together. And I was actually happy. Very, very happy.
I graduated college with a law degree. I had an excellent job in real estate. He started working at a corporate job making 35/hour.
We had a house. A dog. A joint bank account. After all I had been through, I was safe. I was home. I was happy. I had love and comfort.
And then, he left his email open.
His "friend" had started her own porn blog on tumblr. They emailed each other nudes of one another. They met up without telling me. He wanted to give her 1000 dollars for a graduation present. He wanted to spend a week long vacation with her.
I just broke down.
I grabbed a bottle of vodka, a hand gun, a packet of razors and drove to the nearest public park. I was planning on ending it then. Instead, I ended up handcuffed in the back of a cop car being sectioned off for two weeks.
Fast forward through more suicide attempts, medical problems (I have a brain tumor), etc. etc. My family bought me a house. I only pay for electric and water. Thats it. I have a job as a teacher.
My coworkers love me. They want to hang out on the weekend. I can go on dates any day I want, I suppose. I only pay $300 in bills a month. I spend every day with kiddos that i truly love.
And, yet. I want to die. Because I am still alone. My ex boyfriend was the only person that ever made me feel like I belonged. Now I feel like I don;t belong on this planet.
Ugh, whatever. It's all too long for me to tolerate typing out.
Just, my SN comes this Tuesday.
Is there any way to get over my exboyfriend before Tuesday so I can tolerate living? Otherwise, I'll be gone before Christmas.
I can't tolerate living on the same planet as her. She seems so above me. So superior and worthy of life. I'm not. It seem immoral to live alongside this other woman on the same planet. I feel like its my duty to remove myself from earth. I just cant.
I need more alchohol. ugh, yall. pleas.e
