i can't wait to die
New Member
- Dec 22, 2023
- 3
I want to die so badly, is all i been thinking about, i can't get out of bed and there is nothing i think about lately but to go to sleep forever. The problem is, im a coward, im afraid of pain and i know it's not my fault to be, it's my fathers fault for beating me to a pulp everytime he pleased, im afraid of punishment and i can't stand the idea of ctb in a way that will just send me back to my fucking childhood in my last minutes on earth
I have tried cutting but i have found that im so scared of cutting deeper even tho it would be so easy just to slash without thinking bc im terrified of the pain and anguish that i already go through on the daily.
Im afraid of ODs even tho it is my most viable option for me bc my mother has losts of pills at home + my antidepressants. So many things can go wrong with them, i might have the slow painful death i fear so much, i might be saved fast enough and have to live with permanent brain damage in my already useless brain.
I cant use the stove in the middle of the night bc i might kill my mom and brother with monoxide poisoning too in this tiny cramped apartment and they don't deserve that, i want to die alone bc that way they won't have to deal with me and have a happy life.
And i can't jump from high places bc there is nowhere high enough for a certain death here i can access, at best i will end up cripled for life and be even more of a fucking burden.
Im not hanging or asfixiating myself bc again slow painful struggling death.
Im a fucking coward, sometimes i wish someone else would do it for me bc then i wouldnt have a choice, i could not be picky. Like last year when a car almost ran me over, i spend the whole month wishing he had not stoped and just killed me right there, i might have survived but with my health and weak body im sure that would have been fatal.
Weirdly enough the only death im confortable with is slowly starving bc it's the only one my body doesnt feel, i have never trully felt hunger until i started antidepressants .Most of my life i would eat almost nothing less and less, i kinda just started to become a slob that slept 21 hours a day and the only pain i felt was emotional, but i don't want to start that up again bc is so fucking slow and it makes me doubt, life throws at me little hopes to then take them away.
Idk i just needed to get that out of my chest.
Sorry for bad english this is not my first lenguage.a
I have tried cutting but i have found that im so scared of cutting deeper even tho it would be so easy just to slash without thinking bc im terrified of the pain and anguish that i already go through on the daily.
Im afraid of ODs even tho it is my most viable option for me bc my mother has losts of pills at home + my antidepressants. So many things can go wrong with them, i might have the slow painful death i fear so much, i might be saved fast enough and have to live with permanent brain damage in my already useless brain.
I cant use the stove in the middle of the night bc i might kill my mom and brother with monoxide poisoning too in this tiny cramped apartment and they don't deserve that, i want to die alone bc that way they won't have to deal with me and have a happy life.
And i can't jump from high places bc there is nowhere high enough for a certain death here i can access, at best i will end up cripled for life and be even more of a fucking burden.
Im not hanging or asfixiating myself bc again slow painful struggling death.
Im a fucking coward, sometimes i wish someone else would do it for me bc then i wouldnt have a choice, i could not be picky. Like last year when a car almost ran me over, i spend the whole month wishing he had not stoped and just killed me right there, i might have survived but with my health and weak body im sure that would have been fatal.
Weirdly enough the only death im confortable with is slowly starving bc it's the only one my body doesnt feel, i have never trully felt hunger until i started antidepressants .Most of my life i would eat almost nothing less and less, i kinda just started to become a slob that slept 21 hours a day and the only pain i felt was emotional, but i don't want to start that up again bc is so fucking slow and it makes me doubt, life throws at me little hopes to then take them away.
Idk i just needed to get that out of my chest.
Sorry for bad english this is not my first lenguage.a
