Cant do it anymore but im stuck

[xoxo24]

Hi, i havent posted in a while here, i usually really dont post and just silently read cause it brings me comfort to find people with similar experiences, I've also known my whole life there was something wrong with me and i dont really liek to self diagnose, ive never gone to a therapist since they are extremley expensive in egypt and really are just shit, but lately i think i can confirm that i have depression, im not gonna really go into specifics cause that would take too long and no one truly cares lol but ive had 2 friends that have been with me for the longest time, a girl since highschool and a guy since kindergarten, they've both done me dirty in various ways recently and ive decided to cut ties with the girl and just distance myself from the guy since he's got a gf and the gf is gonna make him cut ties with me anyway since she doesnt want him having girls around him even platonically, either way, im just completely alone now, ive never really minded being alone through my whole life bit i think its just the way ive been done that's meaking me feel it so overwhelmingly now, like im just completely alone with no one to give a single fuck about me, im not truly alone tho i do have a bf but to be completely honest, i dont think he truly gives a fuck lol, ive been in that state for like three two weeks now and he keeps saying he wants to make me feel better and stuff but really thats all, my mom has always been just awful to me, my younger sister takes after my mom in her attitude, and i just always feel like i dont belong anywhere no matter how hard i try to fit in, i always feel like everyone give me this look like im just an alien and i hate it i hate myself so much i just wish I'd just been dead, ctb'ing in egypt is just hard as fuck, there no sources to have like the whole peaceful death that everybody's been talking about there no access to really any medication that the west has that can lead to od and i just feel stuck, i feel gross and stuck and i just rip off my skin and just kill myself throw myself infront of a car and not feel pain and finally get a drop of peace that I've just been longing for, i dont know if im gonna survive whatever im going through, i just really wish i dont

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand just wanting to be gone and I get that it's dreadful feeling stuck in this existence, I also just wish I had a way to painlessly cease existing, it feels so cruel to me how there's all this pain in existing yet the option of peaceful death is made inaccessible for those who never wish to suffer again. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope that you find peace.