There is no greater hell than PTSD, this constant torment of my mind and body pushed me to the edge. I made a makeshift noose, slipped it around my neck, then pulled the fabric tight.
I didn't even hang my noose, just tried to get the knot in the right place and pulled it down hard against my neck to make sure it was in the correct spot. The pressure and pain of the choking sensation was horrible. My neck still hurts, my head is aching, and I struggled to get air for a bit.
I've never wanted to ctb via hanging but I got so desperate. Now I know this method isn't for me, and understand how painful it can be.
I was punished for attempting ctb and my bf is threatening to throw me out of the house because my suicidal tendencies are inconsiderate to his family. I am in agony and he is further tormenting me by showing he doesn't love me.
What I have learned from this experience is that people will just shame and belittle you, calling you unstable and crazy, when you attempt and fail ctb.
Just some ramblings of mine after reading: I'm convinced there are certain fixed polarizing mindsets with some very mild examples being religion and politics. Fixed as in something that a person grows up with and is harder to change or convince them otherwise. I think suicide is more extreme, but only because our society makes the discussion of it that way. I'm gonna try to not focus on the partial or method in general since I have no expertise in that and I fear of giving incorrect info, but focusing on mindsets of the family and your bf, from what I believe is that for most people they need to be in the situation to understand the other side. And that's just a flaw in human nature. I wrote a post a bit ago about how I felt about telling family members about wanting to CTB. Basically I just know that a few of them would never understand what living in my situation feels like. I can almost promise that until they live with what I feel and thinking on a constant basis, they will never relate or understand. And for that reason, I hope that they never understand, because I would hate this to be a feeling of anyone else. Forget who said it but I always like the thinking about the word "Understand". People have to stand under the people and concepts of which they wish to understand. It's like If I sit over here with people that support my bias and make fun of one side of a situation and call them idiots, crazy, dumb, insane. I need to stand with them to see their view, not act as if I'm better or more "normal" than them. Some people don't want to, some just can't. So honestly, maybe it's better if he, who you mentioned, doesn't understand. Cause some people have to directly experience what you're going through to say "Ah ok, I get it let me be there for you". And although it's their flaw, I wouldn't wish it on them just for their understanding. And yet as family isn't that what you're supposed to do, to be there even if it hurts? I call it one of life's fked up infinity loops. Basically if left untouched, it is a situation that will continue as is forever. But life doesn't deal in constants as we all know, so something will change, whether it's sooner or later. Depending on that outcome, whether things do or don't work out for you both, If things get too bad between you two and you're still unable to talk or have him meet you halfway to a point of being there/understanding, if you lack anyone that can be there for you, I recommend seeing if there's anyone in your immediate family or even other friends that can understand what your going through. Or even if you have a therapist perhaps. And yes I know all the bs and memes surrounding those ideas "ANd HoW dID tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl"
*scribbles on notepad furiously*, but if you find a good one, one that actually cares, it can work, believe me they're out there. (and I get that you might be past this point but just mentioning it in case) If none of the above though, Idk what situation your PTSD came from, but perhaps finding a group if you ever need to talk about it. Even making a post here asking if anyone of similar situations wanted to talk I'm sure would bring people who would be able to be there for you. Obviously you're not going to get the same amount of care and such from people you just met online, but I'm saying others are here if you need it. I mean even this post you made, it's a great place to vent or just talk with others, you can clearly see you're not alone. The bottom line is if everyone we knew stood by to help and care and understand our situations or how we feel about CTB or even just everything that comes before that decision, a lot of us probably wouldn't be here. And ofc something I didn't mention is maybe he does care and is pushing you away on purpose in preparation for the hurt of if you ever succeeded. Or maybe it's the millions of other things. Humans are complex. Some people just can't handle that, they don't know what to do. I don't know your situation or his, just guessing this whole time, but, honestly I wish I could talk with some of these people. But yeah that's it for my 2 cents, I wish you the best and hope things break out of the current cycle in a positive way for you.
