Can't decide whether I should follow my original plan or do it next week

[BabyYoda]

Reason for CTB? I don't have a best friend, significant other, or anyone who loves me and makes me the first choice. It may not seem like much but for some fucking reason it affects me every day that my veins contract every time I think about it. Though I actually don't want to CTB, but sometimes I feel that I have to even if it means not being able to live in Japan.

I don't see why I should be here in the first place. Everyone else can just go on with their own lives without me. I'm always the extra. For now I've only told the person I love the most about this in detail and while he's doing his best in helping me, I still see the solution as beyond my control. You know, if someone only loved me the way I wanted them to love me, then I wouldn't be going through all this shit.

Like what the hell is wrong with me? I'm a good person, and I don't really hate anyone in general. I take time for my friends no matter how busy my schedule is. Why the ACTUAL FUCK won't anyone do the same to me? Am I supposed to exist in this fucking society, or not? I don't have anything about myself to compensate for this shitty life, like I don't have stuff that I'm good at or anything. Either I'm average or a total noob.

So yeah. I'll see if someone can *save* me again. I'm so fucking tired. I don't want to be a burden to anyone in this world.

 

[Thereisnothing]

I wish I had someone to love me too.............someone to hold me, reassure me everything going to be alright. I am totally alone in life now. I keep hoping will slip away peacefully in the little bit of sleep I do achieve, just wish to to be with my loved ones in spirit. So empty here and so physically ill that not going to be able to even cope much longer with no help at all, am scared stiff. Sending you lots of love @ BabyYoda............you aren't a burden and always warms my heart when see a post or comment from you

 

[mattwitt]

I know exactly what it's like helping others and not getting anything back in return while life passes by. (The story of my pathetic life)

 

[theguineapigking]

I'm so sorry you see yourself as a burden and feel so down. You're not a burden. Your one friend cares about you and is really trying to help you right? I'm sure he doesn't see you that way either.

Have you told your one friend how you really feel? You said he's not there for you the way you wish he was. I don't know him or anything,but you could always try talking to him about how bad you really feel if you haven't already. Maybe he just doesn't know how bad you are? Do you have siblings or parents you can confide in?

I know there's really nothing I can do for you. But just know you aren't a burden. You're a kind soul that is in pain. We are all here for you. I know we're just people on the internet,but this website usually attracts people that are compassionate because we understand the pain of life.


I'm here...we are all here if you need to talk some more. I wish you the best in the meantime :)

 

[randomz]

I am sorry for how you feel. But I think there is still hope for your problem to be fixed. You have that one friend who is giving their best to help you, and that's something. A person does care about you and I am sure more people like that will come in your life. I know this advice might suck but - try starting some new hobbies that involve going out more and meeting new people. Of course there will always be the insensitive and just not good people, but there will be some who you will be able to make real friends with.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your lack of a best friend, partner, significant other, etc., and I had similar problems too with people. This is also a reason for my wanting to CTB so I can somewhat relate to your pains. As for whether you should follow your original plan or postpone it, that is ultimately up to you and you don't have to rush to any decision. I wish you peace in whatever decision you decide on.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I am sorry for how you feel. But I think there is still hope for your problem to be fixed. You have that one friend who is giving their best to help you, and that's something. A person does care about you and I am sure more people like that will come in your life. I know this advice might suck but - try starting some new hobbies that involve going out more and meeting new people. Of course there will always be the insensitive and just not good people, but there will be some who you will be able to make real friends with.

This is great advice, but I believe the OP wants someone that is more than a friend. You can make friends. but you will never be their number one because they have their own lives. When they get into relationships, their significant other will be their number one, not you. I really feel for the OP because it is something that you can work hard on and it is completely out of your control. You can put yourself out there sometimes and things do not change. After a while, it starts to get to you especially when you see people around you get the things they want.

 

[BabyYoda]

I'm so sorry you see yourself as a burden and feel so down. You're not a burden. Your one friend cares about you and is really trying to help you right? I'm sure he doesn't see you that way either.

Have you told your one friend how you really feel? You said he's not there for you the way you wish he was. I don't know him or anything,but you could always try talking to him about how bad you really feel if you haven't already. Maybe he just doesn't know how bad you are? Do you have siblings or parents you can confide in?

I know there's really nothing I can do for you. But just know you aren't a burden. You're a kind soul that is in pain. We are all here for you. I know we're just people on the internet,but this website usually attracts people that are compassionate because we understand the pain of life.


I'm here...we are all here if you need to talk some more. I wish you the best in the meantime :)

Yeah I did tell him, but he doesn't see me as a close friend and he cares about his other friends more than me. My family in general doesn't understand mental health.

I am sorry for how you feel. But I think there is still hope for your problem to be fixed. You have that one friend who is giving their best to help you, and that's something. A person does care about you and I am sure more people like that will come in your life. I know this advice might suck but - try starting some new hobbies that involve going out more and meeting new people. Of course there will always be the insensitive and just not good people, but there will be some who you will be able to make real friends with.

Thank you, but this one person cares about his friends more than me. I'm not his close friend. I'm already tired of trying to meet new people. Yes they do care about me but it's not the thing that I want. All of them enjoy being with someone else more than me.

 

[Thereisnothing]

It can be a lonely old existence alright

 

[waterbottleman]

Reason for CTB? I don't have a best friend, significant other, or anyone who loves me and makes me the first choice. It may not seem like much but for some fucking reason it affects me every day that my veins contract every time I think about it. Though I actually don't want to CTB, but sometimes I feel that I have to even if it means not being able to live in Japan.

I don't see why I should be here in the first place. Everyone else can just go on with their own lives without me. I'm always the extra. For now I've only told the person I love the most about this in detail and while he's doing his best in helping me, I still see the solution as beyond my control. You know, if someone only loved me the way I wanted them to love me, then I wouldn't be going through all this shit.

Like what the hell is wrong with me? I'm a good person, and I don't really hate anyone in general. I take time for my friends no matter how busy my schedule is. Why the ACTUAL FUCK won't anyone do the same to me? Am I supposed to exist in this fucking society, or not? I don't have anything about myself to compensate for this shitty life, like I don't have stuff that I'm good at or anything. Either I'm average or a total noob.

So yeah. I'll see if someone can *save* me again. I'm so fucking tired. I don't want to be a burden to anyone in this world.

I have very similar feelings as you wanting to ctb. Loneliness, being undesired/unwanted, being the "extra" in your group of friends/the odd one out who you suspect people don't really like. Sounds like how my life was at your age.

On the other hand I'm envious of you because of your age. You're only 18, you're still perceived to be a kid even if you technically aren't one from a legal standpoint.

If I were you and wanting to ctb or go to Japan or wherever, I'd say to myself "fuck it" and go to Japan. Go do whatever the hell you want to do, you're at an age where you can postpone everything and it won't matter in the long run. Postpone your career/education, at 18 it's not going to matter.

I wish I could rewind my life back 10 years and be 19 again, oh man the choices I would have made would be very different. I would have waited to go to college because the fact of the matter is I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career/study in college. I would have traveled a lot and worked out everyday at the gym to get fit and really good looking.

People want to be around attractive people, if you worked out and got good looking your issues with people not wanting to be around you would disappear. It may sound shallow but it's 100 percent true and it's better than being the black sheep and lonely all the time.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I have very similar feelings as you wanting to ctb. Loneliness, being undesired/unwanted, being the "extra" in your group of friends/the odd one out who you suspect people don't really like. Sounds like how my life was at your age.

On the other hand I'm envious of you because of your age. You're only 18, you're still perceived to be a kid even if you technically aren't one from a legal standpoint.

If I were you and wanting to ctb or go to Japan or wherever, I'd say to myself "fuck it" and go to Japan. Go do whatever the hell you want to do, you're at an age where you can postpone everything and it won't matter in the long run. Postpone your career/education, at 18 it's not going to matter.

I wish I could rewind my life back 10 years and be 19 again, oh man the choices I would have made would be very different. I would have waited to go to college because the fact of the matter is I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career/study in college. I would have traveled a lot and worked out everyday at the gym to get fit and really good looking.

People want to be around attractive people, if you worked out and got good looking your issues with people not wanting to be around you would disappear. It may sound shallow but it's 100 percent true and it's better than being the black sheep and lonely all the time.

This is 100% true. People want to be around attractive people. I know people who are never starving for friends or relationships because people always want to be around them. If you do not fit in this category, you will need to work harder than others.

 

[BabyYoda]

I have very similar feelings as you wanting to ctb. Loneliness, being undesired/unwanted, being the "extra" in your group of friends/the odd one out who you suspect people don't really like. Sounds like how my life was at your age.

On the other hand I'm envious of you because of your age. You're only 18, you're still perceived to be a kid even if you technically aren't one from a legal standpoint.

If I were you and wanting to ctb or go to Japan or wherever, I'd say to myself "fuck it" and go to Japan. Go do whatever the hell you want to do, you're at an age where you can postpone everything and it won't matter in the long run. Postpone your career/education, at 18 it's not going to matter.

I wish I could rewind my life back 10 years and be 19 again, oh man the choices I would have made would be very different. I would have waited to go to college because the fact of the matter is I had no idea what I wanted to do as a career/study in college. I would have traveled a lot and worked out everyday at the gym to get fit and really good looking.

People want to be around attractive people, if you worked out and got good looking your issues with people not wanting to be around you would disappear. It may sound shallow but it's 100 percent true and it's better than being the black sheep and lonely all the time.

Thing is, neither my family nor I have the financial resources to go there, even as solo. They're currently funding for my education and I go to an expensive school (they chose it for me). Just suddenly dropping out would be a waste. Also, if I wanted to work there, they would require at least 6 months of Japanese language schooling AND a college degree and some experience. I cannot let anyone else know about my CTB plans.