can't decide if I should leave notes for online friends

[catsarecool]

My current online friends are very dear to me and I consider them as real friends as I would IRL. I'm thinking of writing a scheduled note where I would tell all of my closest friends how grateful I am for them etc. While I wouldn't tell them that I killed myself outright I do think it would be rather obvious what happened with the whole disappearing and suddenly sending a note, especially as some of them know of my struggles with mental health and being suicidal. But at the same time I keep thinking that maybe just disappearing would be better. Would you personally want to know if your close online friend died or would you rather have them disappear? And should I just outright say it or leave it vague if i do write a note?

 

[Baguette]

I'd leave it vague, but still write them a note.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If someone were my close friend, I would appreciate a note with some kind of explanation and a caring goodbye, maybe how I made a positive difference in that person's life, what they appreciate about me, and good wishes for me. Just an acknowledgement of how I cared and how much the relationship meant, that it and I mattered. It would provide closure and help with moving on

 

[catsarecool]

Thank you, I think I'll leave a note. I haven't really decided if I want to disclose the fact that I'm dead/I killed myself. I think it'd should be pretty obvious but maybe just saying it outright might be better, as most likely they won't be able to get confirmation from my family/authorities/etc.

 

[Giraffey]

I have had online friends who were extremely dear to me disappear without a trace. The closest parallel I can draw on was some years ago shortly after the outbreak of the Syrian civil war. A dear friend of mine was living there and I'd been providing him with technical assistance to get online anonymously and securely and seek refuge in a neighbouring country. He made it chillingly clear that if he were caught going online, he'd be shot on sight.

He regularly logged in when daylight broke in his local timezone, until one day, he didn't. It wasn't unusual for him to go a day, a week without being online, especially as it became harder and harder to access the internet from the middle of a warzone. Weeks passed, then months, then a year and eventually two. I tried to dwell on it less and less as time went by, but there wasn't a month where something didn't remind me of my dear friend, had he made it to safety, had he been killed, had he killed himself as he'd sometimes mentioned, to avoid the risk of being tortured? The lack of closure was a painful barrier to grieving.

Eventually, I'd had enough and decided to track him down. It took me a while, but by that point, I was working as a private investigator and so I had resources and some experience investigating missing persons. I found an account linked to him, he'd changed his identity and was now living safely in a different country. I was overcome with a terrifying mix of relief and anger.

Without thinking, I blasted off a message damning him for not getting back in touch with me and how could he put me through all of this shit! He apologised and explained the difficulties of his escape and how he'd been unable to contact me - my old online identities abandoned long ago. But he need not have apologised, it was horribly selfish of me to demand an explanation - I felt entitled to one, even though I wasn't. He thanked me for what I'd done for him, I've kept that message in the years since and I deeply treasure it.

So speaking from personal experience, I completely support what @GoodPersonEffed has said. An explanation, a caring goodbye and perhaps a little reminder of what they mean to you and how they've helped you, keeping it positive and providing that closure that people naturally crave.

 

[catsarecool]

If someone were my close friend, I would appreciate a note with some kind of explanation and a caring goodbye, maybe how I made a positive difference in that person's life, what they appreciate about me, and good wishes for me. Just an acknowledgement of how I cared and how much the relationship meant, that it and I mattered. It would provide closure and help with moving on

Can you specify what you mean with an explanation? Like just stating that I killed myself or actually going into the reasons?

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Can you specify what you mean with an explanation? Like just stating that I killed myself or actually going into the reasons?

That you killed yourself, whatever reasons you chose to disclose as appropriate for the level of intimacy in the relationship that wouldn't trigger, and that it was your choice and nothing they could have prevented. That it was thought out, rational, and the choice you made for yourself in your own best interest.

Maybe consider what you would want to know from someone you cared about at that same level. What would give you closure and peace, some genuine, authentically motivated good feelings to help with mourning and moving on.

 

[catsarecool]

That you killed yourself, whatever reasons you chose to disclose as appropriate for the level of intimacy in the relationship that wouldn't trigger, and that it was your choice and nothing they could have prevented. That it was thought out, rational, and the choice you made for yourself in your own best interest.

Maybe consider what you would want to know from someone you cared about at that same level. What would give you closure and peace, some genuine, authentically motivated good feelings to help with mourning and moving on.

Thank you, this is really helpful. I'll probably make one long note that in the beginning will have the explanation and other information for everybody in general and then personal individual sections for each person I know.