I have autism (HF/Asperger's) and ADHD and I have a sister that I love very much. She is quite literally the only reason I managed to survive into my teenage years. No one else in my life really deserves a CTB note so they're irrelevant.
Because of my neurodivergences and the fact that the United States doesn't give a fuck about disabled people, I want to CTB and have wanted to since I was a teenager. My only bucket list item is to write my CTB note to my sister to explain to her anything she could possibly want to know when I'm gone and she won't be able to ask because I'm terrified of leaving her with unanswered questions.
However, because of my neurodivergences, I can't write essays for shit and I'm constantly busy. My anxiety-induced perfectionism as part of my autism also won't allow me to stop spending all my time on the coursework (yes, I am over 18 and allowed to be here) and actual work I have or let me quit college/work so I can't make time to write it (this shouldn't be taking up anywhere close to all of my time by the way; that's the ADHD working). I know it's unreasonable to worry so much about my life when I hope to be dead soon but anxiety is going to keep doing its thing whether I like it or not (spoiler: I don't like it).
This is just stressing me out because I'm at a particularly busy point right now and I probably shouldn't even be wasting time typing this but I needed somewhere to vent.
I only have one thing to accomplish before I can CTB with no regrets and yet it's taking me so long to actually do it and I'm scared every day that I'll finally break and do something impulsively before I have the chance to write my note.
TLDR; being autistic/ADHD sucks and I'm worried I'll break and act impulsively before finishing my CTB note.
Because of my neurodivergences and the fact that the United States doesn't give a fuck about disabled people, I want to CTB and have wanted to since I was a teenager. My only bucket list item is to write my CTB note to my sister to explain to her anything she could possibly want to know when I'm gone and she won't be able to ask because I'm terrified of leaving her with unanswered questions.
However, because of my neurodivergences, I can't write essays for shit and I'm constantly busy. My anxiety-induced perfectionism as part of my autism also won't allow me to stop spending all my time on the coursework (yes, I am over 18 and allowed to be here) and actual work I have or let me quit college/work so I can't make time to write it (this shouldn't be taking up anywhere close to all of my time by the way; that's the ADHD working). I know it's unreasonable to worry so much about my life when I hope to be dead soon but anxiety is going to keep doing its thing whether I like it or not (spoiler: I don't like it).
This is just stressing me out because I'm at a particularly busy point right now and I probably shouldn't even be wasting time typing this but I needed somewhere to vent.
I only have one thing to accomplish before I can CTB with no regrets and yet it's taking me so long to actually do it and I'm scared every day that I'll finally break and do something impulsively before I have the chance to write my note.
TLDR; being autistic/ADHD sucks and I'm worried I'll break and act impulsively before finishing my CTB note.
