Can't cope with the terror

[heylightiforgot]

I see people talking about death as being 'peaceful', yearning for death etc. I've written about my personal situation before, so won't bore anyone with the details -- severe chronic health issue, abusive family, no options to leave etc. Lately, as the walls close in on me and I see nowhere left to turn, I find that all my intellectual defenses are finally failing me; I always courted the idea of suicide as some kind of romantic option or threat I could use against stressors/obstacles. But realizing that I'm actually going to die (either from poor health or at my own hands) is completely fucking up my head and provoking this almost psychotic terror/anxiety .. I guess this is what happens when the ego finally confronts its own dissolution?

Even though I've been housebound and unable to participate in the world for 4+ years, this sliver of an existence is all I know. And living on the cusp of death has given me a deep appreciation for life, strangely. Deep down, I don't want to die. I try act brave and non-chalant, but I'm terrified. It sucks. I have severe OCD, PTSD etc. so am naturally in a high anxiety state at all times, but this is just making everything so much worse. I can't comprehend death. The only time I have felt vaguely 'at peace' about the idea is when I take Ambien and wake up in a hungover and calm state, thinking I could just drift away at that moment and it wouldn't matter.

I don't know. In all sincerity, even though I want to live, there are no options for me unfortunately; I'm just too sick to take care of myself and the atmosphere at home is so threatening that I know I won't last. So I guess I just wait for a trigger? Is anyone else in a similar situation? Have you found anything that helps put your mind at ease at all?

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I couldn't possibly imagine what are you going through but know this "Death" is not the end! Its not something you should be afraid of, death is only the end of the Ego. May I suggest a few Alan Watts lectures in Youtube which could ease your mind about the subject.
Also when you are making your final decision, don't do it on drugs. Nobody should make/give advises about somebody else ending his Life. You should make it on your own and not be forced by fear, pain or other peoples opinion. Good luck, my friend. May you find peace, whatever you choose.

 

[Asta]

Have sent you a PM with something that definitely puts my mind at rest - hope it helps you also!!

 

[heylightiforgot]

I couldn't possibly imagine what are you going through but know this "Death" is not the end! Its not something you should be afraid of, death is only the end of the Ego. May I suggest a few Alan Watts lectures in Youtube which could ease your mind about the subject.
Also when you are making your final decision, don't do it on drugs. Nobody should make/give advises about somebody else ending his Life. You should make it on your own and not be forced by fear, pain or other peoples opinion. Good luck, my friend. May you find peace, whatever you choose.

I have listened to those Alan Watts lectures, actually. They kind of helped, but the anxiety is just so relentless and uncontrollable, it always seems to win out. Anyway, how can you say death is not the end? No one can possibly know if it is or isn't.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I have listened to those Alan Watts lectures, actually. They kind of helped, but the anxiety is just so relentless and uncontrollable, it always seems to win out. Anyway, how can you say death is not the end? No one can possibly know if it is or isn't.

Let's reverse it. How could you possibly know that death is the end? It seems to me that you made you choice or the Ego make it up for you? Just look around us, is there one unnecessarily thing in Nature .. name just one. Or think about the cycle of water. She never disappears but only change its form. You are not your body but something bigger, we could say a "soul" but IMO we can't actually comprehend it. We have to let go the need to know everything and just trust Life. We are not only part of the Universe, we ARE the universe and she experienced it herself through us. Imagine how boring it would be, if we are stuck forever with one body, one incarnation, one form. Life cycle could be like the water cycle.

IMO being stuck to bed for so long, you constantly repeated the same negative thoughts .. maybe for years and that is what brings anxiety and fear. They don't have to be "true" you just have to believe them and sadly you did. The right advice it would be "Let go" but given my own experience I know how hard it is to actually follow it.

 

[heylightiforgot]

Let's reverse it. How could you possibly know that death is the end? It seems to me that you made you choice or the Ego make it up for you? Just look around us, is there one unnecessarily thing in Nature .. name just one. Or think about the cycle of water. She never disappears but only change its form. You are not your body but something bigger, we could say a "soul" but IMO we can't actually comprehend it. We have to let go the need to know everything and just trust Life. We are not only part of the Universe, we ARE the universe and she experienced it herself through us. Imagine how boring it would be, if we are stuck forever with one body, one incarnation, one form. Life cycle could be like the water cycle.

IMO being stuck to bed for so long, you constantly repeated the same negative thoughts .. maybe for years and that is what brings anxiety and fear. They don't have to be "true" you just have to believe them and sadly you did. The right advice it would be "Let go" but given my own experience I know how hard it is to actually follow it.

I know you're trying to be helpful but you're being a little presumptuous, considering all the external factors at play in my life. I did not make the 'choice'. I have a severe, degenerative illness that technically isn't terminal but which will likely kill me in some horrible way if I don't end my life. My body literally cannot cope with stress in any manner, and I have been close to adrenal crisis several times; my family despise me, and trying to live in a tiny house with them pushes me further and further into helplessness because I am so frail. I can't 'run away', can't work, can't get medical treatment, can't go live with a friend. I am 100% trapped in every sense, and it's a waking nightmare. I wish I had the option to just leave and rest somewhere and take time out from life, but my illness forces me into a constant 'survival state'. So for me, it just isn't as easy or as peaceful as you make out. It's a forced decision, but not one I actually want.

 

[ChristopherWalken]

I also feel terrified of dying. Sometimes I'm in a different mood and feel cavalier about it, think things like "If it's my time it's my time". Interesting that you mentioned ambien. I ate some mushrooms a few weeks back and had a nice time with my friends watching tv. I remember I was so content and I didn't want it to end, I was thinking about how soon I would be coming down off of the experience and back to reality. I wished I could just die right there and escape into the tv. Later I went home and was alone. I couldn't sleep and was alone with my negative thoughts. I'm in a very bad situation and it's getting to the point where I may have to end my life soon to avoid long and intense suffering for the rest of my life. All the negative thoughts, the shame, the regrets, and the loneliness were driving me crazy. My happy trip had turned very bad. I almost did it right then and there but I wasn't ready yet. It was pretty awful but it passed. So, as difficult as that was, I think if I end up coming to the logical decision that I simply must put myself out of my misery, then I may use mushrooms again.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I also feel terrified of dying. Sometimes I'm in a different mood and feel cavalier about it, think things like "If it's my time it's my time". Interesting that you mentioned ambien. I ate some mushrooms a few weeks back and had a nice time with my friends watching tv. I remember I was so content and I didn't want it to end, I was thinking about how soon I would be coming down off of the experience and back to reality. I wished I could just die right there and escape into the tv. Later I went home and was alone. I couldn't sleep and was alone with my negative thoughts. I'm in a very bad situation and it's getting to the point where I may have to end my life soon to avoid long and intense suffering for the rest of my life. All the negative thoughts, the shame, the regrets, and the loneliness were driving me crazy. My happy trip had turned very bad. I almost did it right then and there but I wasn't ready yet. It was pretty awful but it passed. So, as difficult as that was, I think if I end up coming to the logical decision that I simply must put myself out of my misery, then I may use mushrooms again.

I remember reading a quote from David Foster Wallace that I can't find anymore; it was something about how when we're beaten down by life and crawling over all these hurdles, we can make it over one hurdle and think 'okay I did it', but then we look ahead and just see the hurdles stretching on infinitely (i'm totally paraphrasing). That's how I feel now. It's possible for me to keep existing in the moment, but then I look ahead and realize this is it for me, and it just provokes the most awful, paralyzing despair and depression. Sometimes, like you, I can feel kind of cavalier about it and summon up all this anger and think 'fuck it', I'll show my family I don't have to put up with this anymore and kill myself.But, again, those moments are fleeting.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I know you're trying to be helpful but you're being a little presumptuous, considering all the external factors at play in my life. I did not make the 'choice'. I have a severe, degenerative illness that technically isn't terminal but which will likely kill me in some horrible way if I don't end my life. My body literally cannot cope with stress in any manner, and I have been close to adrenal crisis several times; my family despise me, and trying to live in a tiny house with them pushes me further and further into helplessness because I am so frail. I can't 'run away', can't work, can't get medical treatment, can't go live with a friend. I am 100% trapped in every sense, and it's a waking nightmare. I wish I had the option to just leave and rest somewhere and take time out from life, but my illness forces me into a constant 'survival state'. So for me, it just isn't as easy or as peaceful as you make out. It's a forced decision, but not one I actually want.

I apologies If I sounded more direct. Life is bigger than us and we shouldn''t fool ourselfs that we could possibly understand it. Once again, I hope you find peace just don't accept the victim role.

 

[heylightiforgot]

I apologies If I sounded more direct. Life is bigger than us and we shouldn''t fool ourselfs that we could possibly understand it. Once again, I hope you find peace just don't accept the victim role.

It's no problem. Hopefully I don't sound too defensive :) I'm just used to being pushed around and invalidated at home, I try 'assert' myself more online. I think the reality is that for, some people, it really just isn't a straightforward decision, sadly. Which is what I'm trying to grapple with. And it isn't easy.

 

[Bukmeikara1]

I don't know if it would help but there are buddhist mantras on You Tube, the one I have in mind Sei He KI - there is 15 minute version and a hour one. Long story short, the idea is to concentrate your consciousness on the sound and if you do it right - it calms the Mind and all thoughts. I don't know if you are aware of Chakras, inner energy and 3rd eye but because of that mantra I found that they are all true and how little I knew about Life. It could be described as a system reboot, often you would fall asleep and wake up "fresh".
I dont know what effect would have on you but I am quite certain that it would help you ease your mind and fears, at least for few hours. And from there on it would be easier to make up your Mind. There is no wrong decision, my friend. You just have to find a way to decide and accept it, whatever it is. Right now it seems that you are stuck in between and because of that you criticize yourself constantly.