cancelled my sn order

[samsaragothands]

i've been posting on here on and off because my urges come on and off frequently enough for it to genuinely feel like a jekyll/hyde situation. my rationale while maneuvering that so far was that the suicidal urge was the stronger of the two and the one worth leaning on, and whenever i felt like i wanted to live it was only because i was biologically hardwired to. however, i hadn't made good on any of these urges until i finally caved and bought the sn i'd been planning to for weeks this morning. right after i did, my family and i had a normal lunch like we usually do, but this time it really dawned on me what i was going to do to each of these people individually. i have a little brother going into high school, and the thought of scarring him forever as he went into an already stressful time of his life made me break down and i had to go sit in the bathroom for a while. my mom and my dad are both deeply problematic people, but they both care about me unconditionally, and i couldn't help thinking about how devastating my death would be to them as well. i don't want to live for others, and it depresses me slightly that my only reasons to live aren't because of my own merit, but i realized i couldn't possibly die if it would hurt those i cared about.

it's been difficult for me to admit this, because my biggest point of self-loathing is that i can't really commit to anything or be in control and, in a really messed up way, ending my life felt like finally taking things into my own hands. i've only recently turned 20, but i feel so unprepared for life compared to everyone i know. i've been living with my parents this whole time, haven't decided on my major, don't have any real friends because i've flaked on all of them, and just feel so deeply inadequate. i'm indian, so the pressure on me has been immense, and i feel so lost. i'm terrified that if i can't get better, i'll only get worse. i don't know what it means to live a fulfilling life. i disconnected from reality to cope with it, and now i'm terrified of recovering to discover how far behind i am. but i have to; i can't do this to my brother. i would rather he had an embarrassing sister than years of trauma.

i plan to go back to therapy soon, but the process is scary. the future is scary. if only i could just wake up a different person, someone with no fog in her brain and someone who made other people happy. i just feel like a disappointment; it feels like the people who love me have no expectations for me anymore, which is depressing. i wish i could just impress someone by doing something genuinely impressive instead of my mom getting really excited about me closing the kitchen cabinet. but i'm not good at anything anymore. there's nothing i could do that would make me genuinely happy with myself without completely destroying my standards. i hate the idea of getting older while staying as stunted as i am, though. i want to figure out how to let myself grow and fine regardless of how much or how little i'm growing.

sorry, i'm literally just using this thread to rant, but tldr, it felt like a relief to cancel my sn order. i don't know whether that's because i still feel like i have a future subconsciously or because i'm literally just a human being at the behest of biology. all i know is that my depression has ruined my life, but i can't let it ruin anybody else's. so i guess i'll stay. i don't know if i can recover, or even what recovery even entails, but it seems to be worth trying if it means if i can keep the people i care about afloat.

also, i just wanted to say that this forum has been the first time i've ever really written about how i feel to people who can read it, and i'm really grateful for a space to be honest about suicide/al ideation. it's been really sobering to see that i'm not alone, which made me more serious about my own thoughts, and by extension my life. i'm really glad to be here.

 

[whywere]

Hi! It is just great to see that you are getting along great and that makes my day! It is so nice to be able to log on here and see that one of the family members is having a good day and the fact that you are such a loving and caring person. Your post REALLY made me day as I was having a crappy chronic pain filled day and your post made me feel happy about life and for you.

THANK YOU for such a great post! Sending you lots of hugs and smiles and bright blue sunny skies!!

Walter

 

[samsaragothands]

Hi! It is just great to see that you are getting along great and that makes my day! It is so nice to be able to log on here and see that one of the family members is having a good day and the fact that you are such a loving and caring person. Your post REALLY made me day as I was having a crappy chronic pain filled day and your post made me feel happy about life and for you.

THANK YOU for such a great post! Sending you lots of hugs and smiles and bright blue sunny skies!!

Walter

thank you walter. i hope the rest of your day is even better. :-)

 

[FuneralCry]

Sorry to hear you have been suffering and this life really can be tiring, but I wish you the best and I hope things work out for you.

 

[meetapple]

I am ashamed to say that I have just ordered SN and have not cancelled it. I keep going through a cycle of feeling optimistic and then feeling punished by society which makes me unproductive for a while. I want to be prepared for when I am forced to move into an apartment whenever that may be. It's good to see you giving it a try though. Have you seen anyone for your depression?

 

[samsaragothands]

I am ashamed to say that I have just ordered SN and have not cancelled it. I keep going through a cycle of feeling optimistic and then feeling punished by society which makes me unproductive for a while. I want to be prepared for when I am forced to move into an apartment whenever that may be. It's good to see you giving it a try though. Have you seen anyone for your depression?

thank you, i have been, but they weren't a good fit for me. found someone else recently, so we'll see how that goes! and i know what you mean. the cycle is too real. to be honest, i'm even scared i might regret having cancelled it. but sometimes i think the fact i still can feel optimism is reason alone not to go through with anything drastic. i understand wanting to be prepared, and i hope that whatever decision you make, you're 100% sure about it and have been for a long time.