TheHatedOne
Death is salvation
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,028
I didn't know that this death could fuck me up so much. See, before I went through other 2 deaths in my lifetime, one in June this year. Those deaths were of family members, but I wasn't that much affected, rather somewhat moved, because we weren't close at all and I'm not in close relationship with any of my family members. But this one that happened recently... well... I mean me and my friend weren't the bestest of friends and we weren't talking non stop or something because they were very very busy. But in the times that we'd talk it would be a quality time.
Their kindness and willingness to guide me in life really touched me and I will never forget this. Also how much they helped me in a tough time that happened not very long time ago.
This death changed me. I mean sure, in the past I was an anxious, pessimist and overall negative person but after this I feel that these traits went overboard. I feel I'm not myself anymore. I'm alert, scared, as negative as ever, crazy, can't find my place, I don't even know what I'm thinking, lost, my sight is out of focus, I'm tremoring constantly, my mind is chaotic. Distractions are way too temporary, not even drinking helps anymore, nothing makes me feel something positive anymore. I feel very closed off and I didn't do it on purpose.
I don't feel I'll ever be able to get over it. My friend had a heart of gold, they were a rare gem, so kind and helpful to others it's incredible. My friend was tthat type of rare person that the world really needs, but appears once hundreds of years. No, I won't get over it. Let alone replace them. But the idea of replacing is really wrong to me anyway.
See, I ordered SN today. Even if somehow magically my financial situation improves and I find my way education wise and won't need to use SN anymore (I'd still keep it tho to have a quick way out in case shit gets real again, you know how life is) I'll still remain with this huge empty hole inside me, I'll never recover emotionally. I may still laugh or feel okayish at times (what is even okayish anymore), but deep down there's infinite sadness. I'll always be longing for something, I don't know what exactly. I felt like they were somewhat my twin. But they are gone now. And my emptiness can't be described in words.
Sigh, that's all. Sorry.
Their kindness and willingness to guide me in life really touched me and I will never forget this. Also how much they helped me in a tough time that happened not very long time ago.
This death changed me. I mean sure, in the past I was an anxious, pessimist and overall negative person but after this I feel that these traits went overboard. I feel I'm not myself anymore. I'm alert, scared, as negative as ever, crazy, can't find my place, I don't even know what I'm thinking, lost, my sight is out of focus, I'm tremoring constantly, my mind is chaotic. Distractions are way too temporary, not even drinking helps anymore, nothing makes me feel something positive anymore. I feel very closed off and I didn't do it on purpose.
I don't feel I'll ever be able to get over it. My friend had a heart of gold, they were a rare gem, so kind and helpful to others it's incredible. My friend was tthat type of rare person that the world really needs, but appears once hundreds of years. No, I won't get over it. Let alone replace them. But the idea of replacing is really wrong to me anyway.
See, I ordered SN today. Even if somehow magically my financial situation improves and I find my way education wise and won't need to use SN anymore (I'd still keep it tho to have a quick way out in case shit gets real again, you know how life is) I'll still remain with this huge empty hole inside me, I'll never recover emotionally. I may still laugh or feel okayish at times (what is even okayish anymore), but deep down there's infinite sadness. I'll always be longing for something, I don't know what exactly. I felt like they were somewhat my twin. But they are gone now. And my emptiness can't be described in words.
Sigh, that's all. Sorry.
