Therapy helped me in my life so much. Especially, some clinic stays were crucial to learn more about my conditions. And I met interesting people.
The last 2 years horrible shit happened though. I had two clinic stays last year. The first one was really good. It only was a day care clinic. The second stay was a nightmare in this acute suicidal clinic. A female patient jumped in front of a train.
And recently my therapist became extremely abusive. Shit I imagined in vivid nightmares. I still cannot believe this happened. it is stunning that this fear became reality. It is extremely sick. I also have the feeling I lost all faith in therapy. Also in clinic stays. I get the feeling I don't want to be in contact with any of it in my whole life again. The loss of trust in therapy is heartbreaking. I always knew my therapist was incompetent but that she is actually that evil...I lost faith in humanity. This was the worst abuse I experienced in my adult life. (Within the last decade) I notice how I struggle more with hypervigilance and catastrophizing. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. And I need to stay really calm. I want her support on the issue. And I wrote her a very long, detailed summary of the conflict, the allegations against me and why they are wrong. My psychiatrist could help me to restore my faith in therapy. Or make the whole thing a lot worse and more cynical. Many people warned me that a psychiatrist most often backs the therapist as an unwritten rule. But I am also analyzing scenarios. If she actually teamed up with my therapist this would be insane. The evidence is overwhelming on my side. I have the feeling this would be suicide for her. I don't think she read all my mails though. At the start of the conversation I will say something like please read my summary of the conflict. And I will try to stay calm even if she doesn't support me on this issue. She played down the actions of my therapist thus far. I try not to become too emotional. I will take a benzo probably beforehand. I have the feeling the appointment tomorrow could re-traumatize me...
Only a few weeks past since the event. And maybe everything is temporary concerning my trust in therapy. But I don't see how it shall come back. I heard about horror stories about therapists I never thought I could be in the same position. I knew there was a risk but I considered it to be unrealistic.
I had two therapists that retrospectively were a catastrophe. However, I always took the first one who gave me an appointment. Maybe that's dumb.
But it is so hard to get an appointment. Most of them didn't call back.
It is ironic how history plays out. I called my current former therapist while being in this acute suicidal clinic. I think though in case if I never had been in therapy with her I would have never met this woman from a dating app with whom I had my first sexual and romantic experiences.
The last 2 years horrible shit happened though. I had two clinic stays last year. The first one was really good. It only was a day care clinic. The second stay was a nightmare in this acute suicidal clinic. A female patient jumped in front of a train.
And recently my therapist became extremely abusive. Shit I imagined in vivid nightmares. I still cannot believe this happened. it is stunning that this fear became reality. It is extremely sick. I also have the feeling I lost all faith in therapy. Also in clinic stays. I get the feeling I don't want to be in contact with any of it in my whole life again. The loss of trust in therapy is heartbreaking. I always knew my therapist was incompetent but that she is actually that evil...I lost faith in humanity. This was the worst abuse I experienced in my adult life. (Within the last decade) I notice how I struggle more with hypervigilance and catastrophizing. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. And I need to stay really calm. I want her support on the issue. And I wrote her a very long, detailed summary of the conflict, the allegations against me and why they are wrong. My psychiatrist could help me to restore my faith in therapy. Or make the whole thing a lot worse and more cynical. Many people warned me that a psychiatrist most often backs the therapist as an unwritten rule. But I am also analyzing scenarios. If she actually teamed up with my therapist this would be insane. The evidence is overwhelming on my side. I have the feeling this would be suicide for her. I don't think she read all my mails though. At the start of the conversation I will say something like please read my summary of the conflict. And I will try to stay calm even if she doesn't support me on this issue. She played down the actions of my therapist thus far. I try not to become too emotional. I will take a benzo probably beforehand. I have the feeling the appointment tomorrow could re-traumatize me...
Only a few weeks past since the event. And maybe everything is temporary concerning my trust in therapy. But I don't see how it shall come back. I heard about horror stories about therapists I never thought I could be in the same position. I knew there was a risk but I considered it to be unrealistic.
I had two therapists that retrospectively were a catastrophe. However, I always took the first one who gave me an appointment. Maybe that's dumb.
But it is so hard to get an appointment. Most of them didn't call back.
It is ironic how history plays out. I called my current former therapist while being in this acute suicidal clinic. I think though in case if I never had been in therapy with her I would have never met this woman from a dating app with whom I had my first sexual and romantic experiences.
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