Venting Can somebody convince me to not go through with an impulsive suicide attempt?

[ijustwishtodie]

I tagged this post as venting because I'm going to vent about my life but the question of the title does apply and is me asking for advice.

Life is just getting so overwhelming and so tortuous for me, even more than usual. I don't fully know how to articulate the amount of pain I'm going through as I'm bad at articulating myself but, a few days ago, my mental pain got so bad to where I couldn't even type properly and all I could do was breathe heavily and suffer in immense pain. That only happened because I was extremely overwhelmed by the demands of life and, honestly, the demands I had to do that day is negligible compared to the demands that I'll be forced to comply with in the future because humanity has meticulously designed the system to be where life gets exponentially harder the more you progress. I've said before that I reached my limit with life and that is true as indicated by my mental state in the last few days. I simply just can't continue with life as it is because I'm not meant for it. Most people can't understand that because life's demands is just so inherently easy for them to deal with but I'm not like that nor do I want to be.

I want to impulsively run away from home in 4 days late at night and drown myself in a random river, 4 days because my mum wants to take me for an islamic pilgrimage in 5 days and after that things will get even more downhill for me since I'm unable to keep up with the demands that university places upon me as well as the demands that this shitty islamic pilgrimage contains. The thing though is that I would need to rely on a lot of cards being right and going in my favour which is just so unlikely.

Firstly I'd need to run away late at night when my parents are asleep but there's a chance my parents will wake up the moment I run away as they're super light sleepers and, the moment they find out I'm missing, they'll call the police upon me immediately because they're so fucking overprotective and pro suffering idiots. Secondly, I need to hope that the river is deep enough to actually fully submerge me. Thirdly, I'd need to hope that I somehow don't manage to reach the surface since I won't be using any weights as I'm too stupid to figure out how I can use weights that I won't reflexively get rid of due to SI. Fourthly, I need to hope that a random pro life idiot doesn't "save" (ugh, I hate that word) me until after I'm dead. I'm not asking for advice (even though I do want some advice) as I know that's against the rules, I'm just stating the factors that could make the attempt unsuccessful.

It really does seem like it's unlikely to work and I know that as I can type that here but how do you convince that to a brain that is nothing but full of suffering? The only thing on my mind is the idea of achieving death as early as possible to get rid of this overwhelming pain. People only talk about the pain caused by drowning but what about the pain that I'm experiencing now? What about the pain that I will experience in the future? Chances are that I'll end up ctb-ing by drowning anyway even if I were to continue with life since I'd get kicked out by parents for failing life. I don't want to accept having to be a wage slave. I don't want to accept having to perpetually suffer in life when I'm going to die anyway. Life is just too much for me and I'm getting to the point where the suffering is just going to make me risk doing a suicide attempt.

I might delete this later as other people seeing this aspect about my life is giving me so much anxiety but I don't know. Right now I just need help and I can only ask for help in a way that doesn't go against the rules here. There's no use asking for help on mitigating my suffering as that just isn't possible and never will be

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

I will say this: Impulsive suicide attempts often fail. You're acting out of desperation and are likely to make mistakes.

It's much better to have a thorough plan and try not to act on emotions.

 

[chester]

I can see you're desperate and I'm sorry you feel this way. You already pointed out some weak points in your plan. So, have a think about them:
1. Your parents catch you trying to escape. What happens next?
2. Your parents call the police and they find you. Then what?
3. You get to your river of choice, but for some reason you can't drown. Then what?
Now take into account that it may be much more likely that one of the above will happen rather than you successfully killing yourself. You'll have to deal with the consequences. Are you ready for this? Would you be able to? Think about how much it would cost you and if it's worth the risk.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I will say this: Impulsive suicide attempts often fail. You're acting out of desperation and are likely to make mistakes.

It's much better to have a thorough plan and try not to act on emotions.

I know that but I'm getting to the point where the suffering is hurting so much to where the desperation is getting greater than my rationality.

Also, I'll never have a thorough plan. I just can't be able to make a thorough plan due to how my brain is like. For me, it'll always be an impulsive plan or no plan at all as I'm just not able to make a thorough plan

I can see you're desperate and I'm sorry you feel this way. You already pointed out some weak points in your plan. So, have a think about them:
1. Your parents catch you trying to escape. What happens next?
2. Your parents call the police and they find you. Then what?
3. You get to your river of choice, but for some reason you can't drown. Then what?
Now take into account that it may be much more likely that one of the above will happen rather than you successfully killing yourself. You'll have to deal with the consequences. Are you ready for this? Would you be able to? Think about how much it would cost you and if it's worth the risk.

It isn't worth the risk but continuing to stay alive isn't worth the risk either. If I stay alive, I'll eventually end up suffering far more. I just can't accept that things are futile and that there's nothing I can really do since I'm extremely hurt already and I don't want to be more hurt

 

[chester]

It isn't worth the risk but continuing to stay alive isn't worth the risk either. If I stay alive, I'll eventually end up suffering far more. I just can't accept that things are futile and that there's nothing I can really do since I'm extremely hurt already and I don't want to be more hurt

I'm the last person on earth to judge whether your reasons for CTB are valid or not. Still, I stand by what I said about your plan.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much but acting impulsive is often not leading to success rather than brain damage or other issues that make life even harder after a failed attempt. drowning isn't a good idea at all.

Y do they force you to go on this pilgrimage? That won't be a cure, imo. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

 

[SVEN]

The whole thing (to me) about acting on impulse is that it's not something we do rationally, after thinking things through. So, there isn't really anything I can imagine saying or suggesting which would be a good reason not to ctb impulsively, you already know all the potential downfalls. Impulses are emotional, whilst rational ctb decisions are intellectual.
I totally get where you are, however I can only sympathise with your dilemma and hope you find peace somehow, in some way, sorry.

 

[LifeQuitter]

Do you know how to swim?

 

[athiestjoe]

I am so sorry to hear how much pain and suffering you are in; I wish I could do more to help you but this world is a cruel, awful place.

For me, I am making plans well thought out to ensure I do not fail. Impulse is likely to lead to a mistake or failure, and probably then more pain and suffering as a result of that. Try to take whatever time you can to get it right.

With whatever you decide, may you find peace & serenity!

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm sorry you're suffering so much but acting impulsive is often not leading to success rather than brain damage or other issues that make life even harder after a failed attempt. drowning isn't a good idea at all.

Y do they force you to go on this pilgrimage? That won't be a cure, imo. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

I know but, fuck, life is causing me so much suffering. I'm suffering by merely existing and it's just going to get so much worse because life keeps on getting worse. I'm just not cut out for life and I'm honestly more terrified of life itself rather than the pain that I'd have to endure during a ctb attempt.

They force me into this pilgrimage because they're extremely religious, that's it really. I can't say no to them because I'm heavily dependent on them. Part of me just wishes that they kick me out so that they won't interrupt me from ending myself. I'm just so annoyed at how all of my pain could have been prevented if society was just kind to allow euthanasia. Society has my blood on their hands.

The whole thing (to me) about acting on impulse is that it's not something we do rationally, after thinking things through. So, there isn't really anything I can imagine saying or suggesting which would be a good reason not to ctb impulsively, you already know all the potential downfalls. Impulses are emotional, whilst rational ctb decisions are intellectual.
I totally get where you are, however I can only sympathise with your dilemma and hope you find peace somehow, in some way, sorry.

I can't do a rational ctb decision because I'm simply not intellectual. People may think that I am but I can't even do or understand basic things. I'm not intellectual at all meaning that I'll never have an intellectual ctb plan unless if somebody were to spoon feed me a plan that I can do. Unfortunately that's illegal due to how this society is so pro life. Also, I'll only find peace when I'm dead. That isn't up to interpretation but it's the truth... I'll never find peace for as long as I'm alive.

Do you know how to swim?

No

I am so sorry to hear how much pain and suffering you are in; I wish I could do more to help you but this world is a cruel, awful place.

For me, I am making plans well thought out to ensure I do not fail. Impulse is likely to lead to a mistake or failure, and probably then more pain and suffering as a result of that. Try to take whatever time you can to get it right.

With whatever you decide, may you find peace & serenity!

Even if I had all the time in the world to get it right (which I don't because I'm immensely scared of getting caught in life's trap hence leading to perpetual suffering), I still wouldn't ever get it right because I'm not smart enough to. My neurotype is a massive curse and it's ironic at how the same thing that has made me crave death in the first place is the same thing that is making me unable to achieve it because I simply am not good enough to comply with all of society's challenges and obstacles to achieve a ctb death. Aside from that, thank you for your words

 

[Forever Sleep]

If you know it's unwise to attempt impulsively and you know the attempt will likely fail, I think you may have to focus on the immediate stresses in your life while you work out a more reliable method if you truly decide on CTB. Have you told your parents outright how much you are struggling? How much this pilgrimage and university demands are getting to you? If you didn't have to do the pilgrimage, would you feel more able to cope with uni? It's not a long-term solution. It's more just to get you through the next few days so you can figure stuff out.

The method sounds terrifying to me to be honest. Do you know if people have drowned there?

 

[Musiclover338]

life can always get worst even if you don't think it can

brain damage is permanent
be wise
being handicapped is permanent

 

[-Link-]

@ijustwishtodie I think you're almost 100% likely to survive if you follow through with this.

With that survival rate in mind, if these are your intentions, then you'd might as well just bypass the part where you actually wade into a river in the middle of the night and instead go straight to the part where your parents and/or police officials and/or hospital officials find out about your plan: Tell people what you're going to do if you're forced to go on this pilgrimage, and let the fallout be whatever it'll be.

Have you ever reached out to other people or looked into groups or organizations that provide guidance and support for children of Islamic parents -- in particular, children who want to leave the religion (if that's the case for you)?

I'm sorry you're being failed by external circumstances like this. Whatever you choose to do, we're in your corner.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

If you know it's unwise to attempt impulsively and you know the attempt will likely fail, I think you may have to focus on the immediate stresses in your life while you work out a more reliable method if you truly decide on CTB. Have you told your parents outright how much you are struggling? How much this pilgrimage and university demands are getting to you? If you didn't have to do the pilgrimage, would you feel more able to cope with uni? It's not a long-term solution. It's more just to get you through the next few days so you can figure stuff out.

The method sounds terrifying to me to be honest. Do you know if people have drowned there?

I can't deal with the immediate stresses of life. I just can't. It's too much for me. Even if I could deal with the stresses of life right now, it'd just keep on adding up until it gets extremely overwhelming. It's so unfair that I'm expected to function the same as everybody else when I don't have it in me to do that. Also, no, I haven't told my parents I'm struggling and I never will because I'm not interested in listening to some bullshit toxic positivity and some bullshit religious lectures about life. Also, it isn't about the pilgrimage itself but rather what would happen after it. Also, no, I don't know if people have drowned there or not. I think I might just be trapped in existence

life can always get worst even if you don't think it can

brain damage is permanent
be wise
being handicapped is permanent

I know life will get worse but the thing is that life will get worse for me even if I live. Being forced to suffer all day non stop is fucking up with my psyche and I need peace. It's like having a tooth ache but being denied treatment. I'm suffering due to life and I'm being denied treatment (death)

@ijustwishtodie I think you're almost 100% likely to survive if you follow through with this.

With that survival rate in mind, if these are your intentions, then you'd might as well just bypass the part where you actually wade into a river in the middle of the night and instead go straight to the part where your parents and/or police officials and/or hospital officials find out about your plan: Tell people what you're going to do if you're forced to go on this pilgrimage, and let the fallout be whatever it'll be.

Have you ever reached out to other people or looked into groups or organizations that provide guidance and support for children of Islamic parents -- in particular, children who want to leave the religion (if that's the case for you)?

I'm sorry you're being failed by external circumstances like this. Whatever you choose to do, we're in your corner.

100%? Oh wow, I really am fucked. Perhaps I really am in checkmate and I'm forced to suffer until I die naturally. Fuck, that's just so terrifying and, for what, all because pro lifers have their stupid, deluded notions about life!? It's just so unfair and I hate it so much. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what to do to achieve death as early as possible.

Also, no, I haven't looked at organisations regarding that and I never will because my main problem isn't even the religion but rather life itself and how I'm forced to stay alive even when I don't want to.

I wish I had somebody or something guide me regarding my life but such a thing will never happen because, at the end of the day, I'm on my own. I'll always be on my own and I hate that. Thinking about all of this is fucking up my mind