Your reply is very thoughtful, and I appreciate it. I definitely agree that it's lazy of me to say I hate these things about myself and not do much to change it, in fact I think laziness is probably one of my major problems in life(and I don't like that aspect of myself either, lol).
While I understand that we're all products of our environments, I don't feel like establishing where and how my self-loathed behaviors came about would help me with the process of forgiving myself. After reading replies and doing a lot of introspection, I think the reason I'm so confused with my situation is that a lot of the things I loathe myself for, I know aren't really justifiable. For instance, as a hobby, I like collecting Pokémon cards, it's a nostalgic and fun pastime for me. I do pretty decent at budgeting, I admittedly spend a fair chunk of change on it, but I've honestly stayed responsible in my spending. I've made some pretty good friends in the community and I enjoy myself when I'm with them. But no matter what, there's always a part of me that convinces myself that I'm a loser for participating and it's bad and wrong of me to enjoy myself paying ridiculous money for these little pieces of cardboard. I would never extend this criticism to others, but the thought effortlessly comes to the back of my mind, constantly.
This is obviously a less serious example of things that deeply affect me on a day to day basis, but it's very emblematic of my thought process.
I guess to end this very ramble-y post I'll say that CTB just seems so much easier than trying to fix myself and/or forgive myself for all these things. I'm so tired of hating myself and making everyone around me put up with it.
Personally- I don't think you should hate yourself for things you enjoy. Of course- if you enjoyed shoplifting or hurting small animals- that would be different. Collecting Pokeman cards though? What harm is that doing anyone? Isn't it more that you feel like
other people judge you for doing that? That it's childlish or something? I'd just say- screw them. I like things that would be considered immature too. Why should we
have to conform to things though? If you're not hurting anyone else- what business is it of theirs what you like? People are so superior judging people based on their preferences. Like any of it matters at the end of the day. You see something in them that they don't see. That's their loss. Maybe they enjoy fine wine, or collecting handbags or watching soap operas. Why feel bad about something that brings you pleasure? So long as it isn't hurting other people of course.
From what you've said- I definitely don't think you should hate yourself for this kind of thing. Maybe you've realised that sharing your interest provokes an unpleasant response in others- so, maybe it's something you'd be better off keeping hidden. Still- see that as intolerance, prejudice and ignorance on their side- it's nothing you're doing wrong. Maybe then- you actually need to ask-
is this sonething I
need to hate myself for? Is this
really something bad?
With regards to lazyness- again- there are different ways to look at it. We are told not to be lazy- that sloth is a sin. Ultimately though- we're all being pushed to contribute towards a capitalist, consummerist society- whether we want to or not. Is that
really a good thing? To become a wage slave. Another cog in the machine. Maybe some people who are 'lazy' are actually the clever ones. They look at the whole setup and say- 'no thanks'. I'm not going to slave away to make rich people richer. I can't say I really blame them. I kind of wish I hadn't been brought up with such a strong work ethic. All that stuff has become ingrained now- so, I used to feel so guilty when I was being lazy.
But really- I'm not so sure the things you hate about yourself are all that bad. Do
any of them affect other people in a negative way? Beyond them thinking you're immature because you collect Pokemon cards? They really ought to be able to get over that. If it's stuff that's holding
you back- I'd say- probably better to try not to hate yourself for it. Probably better to be kinder to yourself and decide it's something it would benefit you to work on.
Speak for yourself.
What makes a person human is that she\ he can remain himself, an individual, regardless of the environment.
So- given an entirely different upbringing and environment- you still think you would be the same person?
Of course we are influenced by our environment. Someone who is shown love and compassion and support is likely to follow a different path to someone who has been violently abused or neglected. It's not to excuse the latter person from becoming violent themselves but
of course it will affect them in life. Maybe they will develop other not so healthy coping mechanisms to deal with it. These may not be 'bad' towards others but they may harm that person- self harm for example.
Presumably- feeling suicidal isn't an ideal state in life. Given your assertation that we should all be 'ourselves' regardless of our environment- as in- nothing should affect us- then- surely- none of us should be here! We should all be out living happy lives regardless of the environment we came from or the environment we are in.
What makes someone 'human'? Do you mean- the best version of themselves? So- without faults. Can we still have some faults and be considered 'human'? Can you be suicidal and still be 'human'? What if- because of trauma- you're socially anxious. Does that make someone less 'human' because they didn't overcome it?
Where I would agree is where people break the law and hurt others. I guess they are still human but- they certainly lapsed when it came to upholding very basic respect for other human lives. So- in turn- it's only fair that they lose some of their privelages- likely freedom if they chose to rape or murder someone. I get the impression that the OP is hating themselves for much more minor things though.
