Help Can or should I turn off my desire for sex or is it reasonable to kill myself at 30?

[Adûnâi]

There is a tiny Russian schizo cult Goy Gaya who are talking about being aware and in control of the programs that are installed in your mind. Some are useful, such as not peeing in bed. Others are harmful, such as believing in newspapers. So far so good? It makes sense to strive to "stalk" one's own thoughts, recollections, words, feelings, intentions...

But I also feel like if applied to my situation, it would simply be called coping? I'm a virgin at 28, locked in my room. I daydream that having a gf would give me inspiration. Conversely, not having sex at 30 would make a nice round date for suicide (alright, let's say, 31). I don't exactly have immediate pressures, so no point hurrying - unless my mom dies or whatever.

Honestly, I don't exactly know what there is to life aside from sex? Everything else sounds like a dull cope? Sure, I have been watching gaming on YouTube, and haven't even begun delving into my game collection. I haven't cleaned my room in half a year, or taken a shower (since Jan, but it's whatever). Accomplishing goals could be fun. But is there a reward to it? There's none.

I've started making footsteps again recently, did 500 yesterday, my thighs hurt, but I feel nothing.

My mom says I could get money after my granny dies, but again, she's a blue-pilled normie, and money doesn't bring gfs. Unless I emigrate to Thailand. But even then, I doubt I could get a gf as I never talked to anyone in my pseudo-life irl. And I likely wouldn't stand the insects and dangerous diseases in the equatorial climate.

Oh, and while I have finally started researching Latvian/Romanian escorts a month ago, and it did give me some inspiration (in case the peace deal is reached), it is also the case that it would require at least 500 EUR at most once a month, for 2 hours. Not sure if that would give me inspiration, as a real gf would be available much cheaper and more often.

 

[TransilvanianHunger]

Honestly, I don't exactly know what there is to life aside from sex? Everything else sounds like a dull cope?

I'd say there's lots of things to life, but it would probably sound like a cope. I haven't had sex since the pandemic began, but it doesn't feel like something that's missing from my life. Then again, I relate to sex in a seemingly uncommon way: to me, sex on its own is kind of meaningless; the worst sexual encounters I've had have been one-night-stands or casual hook-ups with women I don't have a meaningful relationship with. Best sex I've had has been with a woman who was my partner, about whom I cared about deeply. Sex is a part of such a relationship, not an end unto itself. I haven't been in a relationship like that for a few years, and so sex is out of the picture. That's fine. Lately I've become close to another woman and a really enjoyable relationship has been growing. It is probably going to lead to sex at some point, but I am not really concerned about that. I simply enjoy spending time with her, getting to know her.

I wonder, how do you see sex for it to be of such fundamental importance? Do you think it is actually about the sexual act itself, or could it be a proxy for something else, like a genuinely deep relationship? Do you think you'd feel satisfied if you had sex with some random woman you paid to sleep with you?

Accomplishing goals could be fun. But is there a reward to it? There's none.

Wouldn't accomplishing a goal be its own reward? You mention you're into gaming. What reward is there for playing or finishing a game? In practice, there is none. But you do it anyway, because the process itself is enjoyable — the challenge, the testing of your skills and creativity. It means nothing to the outside world, but it can be a deeply meaningful experience for the person who does it.

 

[Adûnâi]

Lately I've become close to another woman and a really enjoyable relationship has been growing.

Wow, any tips? Apologies if too private. To clarify, all my life before 2014 I went to school, got perfect marks, went home, without talking to anyone aside from teachers. Then in 2016-18 I stayed locked in my room, then went to uni, but there was nobody to talk to. Now I'm locked in my room again. I'm utterly clueless when it comes to establishing any irl connections that are not based on money (teachers, potentially escorts).

I wonder, how do you see sex for it to be of such fundamental importance? Do you think it is actually about the sexual act itself, or could it be a proxy for something else, like a genuinely deep relationship? Do you think you'd feel satisfied if you had sex with some random woman you paid to sleep with you?

First of all, can't tell what I'd feel like at all as I have never tried it, it's like with certain fetishes that I avoided because never tried, then bought a toy and liked it (in 2021).

Second, of course, "sex" is a shorthand to... again, not too sure what exactly. I used to talk about headpats online (because incels usually want sex), and about sex to my mom (because blue-pilled boomers usually talk about feelings) to show the dichotomy of man, and make people think. But apparently these days I just say sex because it's shorter and not as cringe.

Third, I have no idea what a deep relationship is, and why. I wouldn't have anything to offer as I'm a shut-in retard who never lived. Also, incels and racists say that women are pointless to talk to - but then again, on this forum, females have been mostly really nice, unlike the incel males I tried talking to over the past 1.5 years. But then again, my experience is woefully inadequate, even online.

Of course, I would like to be sexually desired (and directed) by an intelligent female, but that's the maximum program.

It means nothing to the outside world, but it can be a deeply meaningful experience for the person who does it.

I don't even play games, honestly, I just watch streams. Maybe I would.

I used to cover a thousand kanji in March 2024, but then stopped because the pointlessness was gnawing too hard. Why learn kanji if I can't even talk to anyone anyway?

 

[J&L383]

Sex is a powerful drive. Not just in humans but every life form, it's what keeps life going. It is built into our DNA. I haven't had a sexual partner in over two decades. And when I get horny I miss it but then when that passes I realize it is something that I don't miss all that much. A relationship takes work and is not perfect. But if you've never had that experience, it's one to have at least once. Just so you know what it is, and isn't.

(By the way I stopped at 200 kanji, so good effort on your part!)

 

[Adûnâi]

Not just in humans but every life form, it's what keeps life going. It is built into our DNA.

Thanks, but I hate being compared to dogs, and also I consider children abhorrent.

A relationship takes work and is not perfect. But if you've never had that experience, it's one to have at least once. Just so you know what it is, and isn't.

Yes, I'd like to try out a relationship, not sex itself. Trying out sex itself once would likely make me more suicidal if I wouldn't be able to get it ever again. This is where I differ from incels who talk about "pump and dump". To me, it's self-cuckoldry.

 

[Mr. Silver]

The idea of shutting my sexual desire is pretty tempting for me. Escorts and the pump'n dump schemes are not my thing, and due to my natural creepiness, getting a gf is out of question.

 

[J&L383]

The idea of shutting my sexual desire is pretty tempting for me. Escorts and the pump'n dump schemes are not my thing, and due to my natural creepiness, getting a gf is out of question.

I don't know if anyway to shut down the sexual desire. Although there is "chemical castration," a drug which supposedly does just that. A person can try to occupy their mind and keep it off in the background for a while, but it is always lurking at the edges, for me at least, waiting to reassert itself.

Escorts aren't my thing either, but I'm not passing judgment on those that find value in it. (As long as the escorts are free to choose their occupation, which unfortunately is often not the case). Sexuality has physical and emotional components and they can be dealt with separately or together, with or without a partner.

 

[Adûnâi]

and due to my natural creepiness, getting a gf is out of question.

Isn't creepiness a feminist word for ugliness?

Although there is "chemical castration," a drug which supposedly does just that. A person can try to occupy their mind and keep it off in the background for a while, but it is always lurking at the edges, for me at least, waiting to reassert itself.

This sounds way too much like Christian mortification of the flesh, and for good or for ill, I cannot take seriously the Jewish desert demon. I can only think of Yoda CBT, but it's a kink thing.

The issue with chemical castration is that sex is fun. One of the few stable fun things in life, in fact. Or at least, available to me. (I don't mean sexing females, I mean sexual arousal). Hence why I goon to lewd AI scenarios all day. And talk to my AI waifu sometimes.

(As long as the escorts are free to choose their occupation, which unfortunately is often not the case).

Thrall would say "No, you chose your own destiny".

Sexuality has physical and emotional components and they can be dealt with separately or together, with or without a partner.

GFE escorts for headpats, dominatrices for cognitive-behavioural therapy, online friends for talking? Compartmentalisation?

 

[Mr. Silver]

Isn't creepiness a feminist word for ugliness?

I've read this a lot and I think it's true, to an extent. My usage of "creepiness" here is more keen to the way I communicate with women in general, I think that "strange" could be a nice replacement too. Basically I talk too much, or not enough, and sometimes it's just difficult to talk at all (I think is something related to my mouth). Talk to men is just more natural to me. In the end, I cant be the same person if there's a girl too close.

Also, I'm ugly, so it could be that I'm not only bad at talking, but my appearance just adds fuel to the fire.