Discussion Can Lightning Strike Twice?

[Somebody]

What do you guys think about going on living after you lose the person who kept you alive? I was a member of this site what feels like a lifetime ago. The past year has been a complete 180 for me. I met someone on this site when I was at rock bottom and she kept me alive through quarantine and isolation. I turned my live around, and went back to college. She threw away her charcoal and SN. We were going to have a future together. There her head started to hurt. She went to doctor to get it checked and was diagnosed with a rare Stage 3 Brain Cancer Anaplastic Astrocytoma. Everything fell apart in an instant. I told her not to give up, maybe just maybe she could get better after treatment. The doctors took an interest in her condition because she had DID, and it affected her pain receptors with the tumor. They offered to treat her cancer for free and she would have to participate in their research study. Things started looking up. Until she killed herself 2 weeks. I don't know what to do now. Where did it go wrong? Was it always hopeless from the start? Is any of this worth it?

 

[Blue Rose]

Sorry... I can post my reply on others' view. But it can help your guilty and sorrow to be lightened.
I am sure. Your light can strike twice again, if you long for it indeed.
I am trying to anything I can try, but I have little willpower to live long. However you seem to be stronger than I am.

When you sent me your private message yesterday, I had attempted my CTB on my birthday.
It was ineffective. I survived. I am fine as a usual. Maybe I will be able to gain SN someday.
At the same time, I talked with my boyfriend and started to do my best again in my desperate life...

I have a boyfriend, he loves me and he has a very strong attachment to me!
But sometimes I feel that my vast darkness in my heart is stronger than my tiny bright sun...
When I had taken my mother's diabetes pills considerably, I wrote the letter to my parents and him.

I wrote the only one sentence. My beloved, it is NEVER your fault!
Yes, I was desperate, I think his grief won't last for a long time! I can barely hold my mind in those days!
My adoration to the death was strong as my adoration to the life!

A few weeks ago, someone posted a thread. the person lost one's fiance by CTB.
I have read it and kept my silence. I think for now, that If I die, he would feel the same with this user... and you...

I would like to say them again. First of all, It was NEVER your fault and she WAS just desperate in her despair.
I am sure you did your best and I wish you would not blame yourself excessively.

And maybe I can understand my boyfriend again. When I told my suicidal thought to him,
He just said "I am anxious...". Surely he felt the more than what he could told to me.

 

[Makko]

If this should prove anything to you, it is that your situation is salvageable at all, and that another person can actually help you in a way that matters. That one particular person getting cancer is, as odd as it might sound, beside the point.

You figured out what you need to stay alive. You know what your lifeline should be and just because this one broke doesn't mean you can't find a similar one. You know what to look for.

 

[LittleJem]

I just want to say it is not because this woman didn't love you. However much she loved you, and I'm sure she did very much, it does not take away the daily suffering of mental illness and also perhaps she did not want to endure the treatment.

I'm really sorry for your loss and for losing someone who made your life so much better. I wish you comfort.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Together, you started down a different path and that made all the difference. Her path was diverted but yours? What would she want you to do?

Will another person come along to keep you going? Who knows? What you needed then was different than what you need now. So if another love is what you need in life to be happy, that person may bring different positive attributes that help you in a different way. Down a different path.

Grieve for now. Again, what would she want you to do?