This may sound weird but... Realizing that in less a month I will have to do a lot of things I've never done before (as that month will be my last vacation before adulthood hits me with a brick), and some of them might define my future... I'm extremely afraid... If this post doesn't go here, please feel free to delete it.
Note: I don't mean any disrespect to anyone while writing this post, nor I want to make anyone here feel uncomfortable, I promise.
I'm in my mid-twenties, yet... I feel that my mental age would be twenty years old at most, and that's being generous. There are so many things I don't know about life, as I see how people younger than me are far more mature, can interact with others easily, just by being themselves, and their mental health is extremely good, so much that you can even sense the happiness their smiles, laughs and aura can release.
Instead... I'm more like a black-hole.
Have never worked in my life, except in a small business my family owns... And many of them, three of the six people I currently live with, are all 80 Years Old at minimum... Which means, that in between 5 to 15 Years, all of them will probably be gone... So I would only live with my mom, since a family friend we live with will probably move out with her family in a couple of years...
I'm afraid all these years I've spent studying, will end up being in vain... If I got torn apart in both high school and college, if I couldn't socialize at all in those places (aside from few exceptions), if many people I know think I'm an r-word... What if I end up being destroyed by someone in a workplace?
I don't know how to socialize, as most of the friends I still have were made back when I still tried to connect with others... And, I've told my mom I don't want to marry, nor have children at all... Since, I would probably be a bad father (maybe too permissive, and I would never forgive myself if any future children of mine could end up destroyed since I wasn't strict enough to guide them)... Plus, I'm not even worthy of being in a romantic relationship, since the only time I've dated was online, and I'm just too immature, too annoying and childish, so I would rather not risk making another enemy if things go badly... I've been rejected from almost every single place I've tried to socialize or make friends, be it internet websites, college and high school, even support groups... No matter how much I've tried, I always end up messing things up, even now I have some letters I plan to send to some people to tell them they don't have to talk to me anymore if that makes them feel uncomfortable... Heh, when making a list of how many people I don't get along with, it's about thirty-five...
What could I do if I'm not able to work, and provide towards my family? What if my actions means that I've doomed my mother to suffer into the future, as she would see her only son ended up being a complete failure? She told me she's worried, and she doesn't want me to die alone, she even wants to be a grandmother... How can I tell her that it's never going to happen? That once she dies, I will probably be a lonely, broken old man, who might die alone in the worst case inside my house, and no one would find me until weeks or months later when the smell gets unbeareable...
I was quite overprotected because I was born with severe allergies, and as a kid I ended up in and out of clinics back when I felt I couldn't breathe at all (thankfully they're not as severe today). My mom blames herself, saying that she and the rest of my family shouldn't have acted like that, but I know at the very least they didn't have any bad intentions...
Things would be easier if I was the only one who might pay the price but... Knowing that my mom will suffer, that most of my family are slowly aging, getting weaker and more ill, that I might not have a strong enough support network to help her, or at worst, that I won't be able to survive in a job, so I would have to work in a taxi cab or something like that just to bring food and water to the table... Have been in therapy for almost a year so far, so I should be better, right? Little to none work experiences, a tendency to piss people off and getting disliked to making enemies in an easy way, probably way too boring/dumb to make friends...
What could I do to survive, at the very least to ensure my mom and family get comfortable lives until they're all gone? Perhaps then I could CTB, when I reach 67 at maximum (that's if mom dies at 100 Years Old), hope the laws are different in that future...
Note: I don't mean any disrespect to anyone while writing this post, nor I want to make anyone here feel uncomfortable, I promise.
I'm in my mid-twenties, yet... I feel that my mental age would be twenty years old at most, and that's being generous. There are so many things I don't know about life, as I see how people younger than me are far more mature, can interact with others easily, just by being themselves, and their mental health is extremely good, so much that you can even sense the happiness their smiles, laughs and aura can release.
Instead... I'm more like a black-hole.
Have never worked in my life, except in a small business my family owns... And many of them, three of the six people I currently live with, are all 80 Years Old at minimum... Which means, that in between 5 to 15 Years, all of them will probably be gone... So I would only live with my mom, since a family friend we live with will probably move out with her family in a couple of years...
I'm afraid all these years I've spent studying, will end up being in vain... If I got torn apart in both high school and college, if I couldn't socialize at all in those places (aside from few exceptions), if many people I know think I'm an r-word... What if I end up being destroyed by someone in a workplace?
I don't know how to socialize, as most of the friends I still have were made back when I still tried to connect with others... And, I've told my mom I don't want to marry, nor have children at all... Since, I would probably be a bad father (maybe too permissive, and I would never forgive myself if any future children of mine could end up destroyed since I wasn't strict enough to guide them)... Plus, I'm not even worthy of being in a romantic relationship, since the only time I've dated was online, and I'm just too immature, too annoying and childish, so I would rather not risk making another enemy if things go badly... I've been rejected from almost every single place I've tried to socialize or make friends, be it internet websites, college and high school, even support groups... No matter how much I've tried, I always end up messing things up, even now I have some letters I plan to send to some people to tell them they don't have to talk to me anymore if that makes them feel uncomfortable... Heh, when making a list of how many people I don't get along with, it's about thirty-five...
What could I do if I'm not able to work, and provide towards my family? What if my actions means that I've doomed my mother to suffer into the future, as she would see her only son ended up being a complete failure? She told me she's worried, and she doesn't want me to die alone, she even wants to be a grandmother... How can I tell her that it's never going to happen? That once she dies, I will probably be a lonely, broken old man, who might die alone in the worst case inside my house, and no one would find me until weeks or months later when the smell gets unbeareable...
I was quite overprotected because I was born with severe allergies, and as a kid I ended up in and out of clinics back when I felt I couldn't breathe at all (thankfully they're not as severe today). My mom blames herself, saying that she and the rest of my family shouldn't have acted like that, but I know at the very least they didn't have any bad intentions...
Things would be easier if I was the only one who might pay the price but... Knowing that my mom will suffer, that most of my family are slowly aging, getting weaker and more ill, that I might not have a strong enough support network to help her, or at worst, that I won't be able to survive in a job, so I would have to work in a taxi cab or something like that just to bring food and water to the table... Have been in therapy for almost a year so far, so I should be better, right? Little to none work experiences, a tendency to piss people off and getting disliked to making enemies in an easy way, probably way too boring/dumb to make friends...
What could I do to survive, at the very least to ensure my mom and family get comfortable lives until they're all gone? Perhaps then I could CTB, when I reach 67 at maximum (that's if mom dies at 100 Years Old), hope the laws are different in that future...
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Just want to say that you're awesome 
