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- Dec 9, 2018
- 13
I've been crying tonight and I never cry. Not like this. I've been thinking about everything and it feels like my chest is caving in on itself. I need to be completely honest with someone and just say everything, because god damn it I just need someone out there to know my truth. For once in my fucking life I want to speak into existence the deeply painful, unfortunate, and humiliating shit that I've kept hidden so well.
So, if you're reading, good. I'd like to imagine that there's one person out there who will humor me and sympathize with my comparatively silly problems. I've seen much worse, and I'm sure you have too. But in reality, no one cares, and my problems are probably laughable to everybody else.
I'm 18. I'm a female. I don't know if I'm sharing too much, but it's important I think. Growing up my life was pretty normal for about 5 years. Parents separated when I was days old, but I still saw both of them until I was 12, when my dad moved across the country. But I say things were only normal for 5 years because when I was 5 my parents realized there was something wrong with me. I guess mental illness runs in my family. Several addicts on my dad's side, and spoiler alert, my mother's schizophrenic. But we'll get more into that later. Anyway, what could possibly be wrong with a 5 year old? I was pulling out my hair. I don't know why I started, I honestly can't remember. I've been told by doctors that it was due to anxiety? I never spoke much as a kid, parents always fighting, alcoholic dad yelling, being moved back and forth. All that. But yeah, maybe you've heard of it, but you probably haven't. It's a thing called Trichotillomania (which I will refer to as Trich) It's estimated to be more common than bipolar disorder, and about as common as being born deaf. But anyway I'm not here to educate you on my weird illness. Point is, I was bullied, terribly. I looked like a freak and I knew it, I had huge bald patches on my head.. I was already suicidal when I was 8 years old.
Around that time I started noticing changes in my mom too. I don't like talking about this part much, and I do have ptsd from it, though it's not as bad these days. Anyway, she had schizophrenia but it wasn't diagnosed and she refused to seek help. She threatened to beat me if I told people about certain things. And she did eventually start beating me. And she became homicidal. And it was very, very scary. I remember her chasing me with a knife. Smothering me with a door she unscrewed from the doorframe (yep, she was really that crazy), strangling me, and biting me. Anyway, eventually I escaped and she was arrested. Court ordered psychological evaluation, diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. With meds she can function, she works at mcdonalds and we talk on the phone sometimes.
Went in foster care. I actually was almost happy for a second. My hair grew back, I thought I was learning to control my urges. I was actually pretty. This was only a few years ago. My new family wasn't bad. Met my first love. We were together for some time.
But all good things must come to an end. My trich started acting up again. Losing my hair again. I hated myself so much because I couldn't stop pulling, so I started cutting. Not as a form of self harm really, but as a suicide attempt. Hoping I would bleed out. I never did, obviously, but I have massive scars on my arms and thighs now. I wasn't really in a "real" school, either. It was a school for foster kids. I felt like I didn't belong, missed out on a shit ton of opportunities, and the "best years of my life" whatever.
Here comes trouble. My dad re-entered my life when I was 17. Asked if I wanted to move in with him. Obviously it seemed better than foster care. So I moved across the country. BIIIIG mistake. Somehow a senior and getting bullied worse here than ever before??? I got a job and saved up for a (gag, I hate this word it makes me sound like a 90 year old woman or some 'hideous' woman they use for laughs on a sitcom) wig. I hate it, I hate wearing it but I have to. And I still get bullied, because it's obvious. I can't afford a better one. And I'm resentful because I go to a pretty rich school. I'm not rich by any means, and although I know it's pointless and so so many have it much worse, I can't help but look at all these snooty rich girls and think how if they had been born with trich, no one would know because they'd have the resources (expensive wigs) to cover it convincingly. I know it's stupid. But I'm ugly. I've gained weight. I have no talents or redeeming qualities.
The most frustrating part is that because of my mother, I got terrible grades in school. Meaning now, I can't get in to most colleges, much less get the scholarships or financial aid that I desperately need.
I don't know man. I have no direction. I hate myself, I know how pathetic this post was. I know my problems are little baby non-problems. It's embarrassing. I just wanted to be able to tell someone, because I have honestly never ever told anyone any of this. I've had a few friends, but never anyone I trusted. I needed to do this. I'm sorry it's weird. I needed to tell someone. Do I feel better? Well, my tears have dried up, so that's a start. I can't wait to ctb. It needs to be soon. Wish it didn't have to be. Thanks for reading, empty void. Till next time.
So, if you're reading, good. I'd like to imagine that there's one person out there who will humor me and sympathize with my comparatively silly problems. I've seen much worse, and I'm sure you have too. But in reality, no one cares, and my problems are probably laughable to everybody else.
I'm 18. I'm a female. I don't know if I'm sharing too much, but it's important I think. Growing up my life was pretty normal for about 5 years. Parents separated when I was days old, but I still saw both of them until I was 12, when my dad moved across the country. But I say things were only normal for 5 years because when I was 5 my parents realized there was something wrong with me. I guess mental illness runs in my family. Several addicts on my dad's side, and spoiler alert, my mother's schizophrenic. But we'll get more into that later. Anyway, what could possibly be wrong with a 5 year old? I was pulling out my hair. I don't know why I started, I honestly can't remember. I've been told by doctors that it was due to anxiety? I never spoke much as a kid, parents always fighting, alcoholic dad yelling, being moved back and forth. All that. But yeah, maybe you've heard of it, but you probably haven't. It's a thing called Trichotillomania (which I will refer to as Trich) It's estimated to be more common than bipolar disorder, and about as common as being born deaf. But anyway I'm not here to educate you on my weird illness. Point is, I was bullied, terribly. I looked like a freak and I knew it, I had huge bald patches on my head.. I was already suicidal when I was 8 years old.
Around that time I started noticing changes in my mom too. I don't like talking about this part much, and I do have ptsd from it, though it's not as bad these days. Anyway, she had schizophrenia but it wasn't diagnosed and she refused to seek help. She threatened to beat me if I told people about certain things. And she did eventually start beating me. And she became homicidal. And it was very, very scary. I remember her chasing me with a knife. Smothering me with a door she unscrewed from the doorframe (yep, she was really that crazy), strangling me, and biting me. Anyway, eventually I escaped and she was arrested. Court ordered psychological evaluation, diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. With meds she can function, she works at mcdonalds and we talk on the phone sometimes.
Went in foster care. I actually was almost happy for a second. My hair grew back, I thought I was learning to control my urges. I was actually pretty. This was only a few years ago. My new family wasn't bad. Met my first love. We were together for some time.
But all good things must come to an end. My trich started acting up again. Losing my hair again. I hated myself so much because I couldn't stop pulling, so I started cutting. Not as a form of self harm really, but as a suicide attempt. Hoping I would bleed out. I never did, obviously, but I have massive scars on my arms and thighs now. I wasn't really in a "real" school, either. It was a school for foster kids. I felt like I didn't belong, missed out on a shit ton of opportunities, and the "best years of my life" whatever.
Here comes trouble. My dad re-entered my life when I was 17. Asked if I wanted to move in with him. Obviously it seemed better than foster care. So I moved across the country. BIIIIG mistake. Somehow a senior and getting bullied worse here than ever before??? I got a job and saved up for a (gag, I hate this word it makes me sound like a 90 year old woman or some 'hideous' woman they use for laughs on a sitcom) wig. I hate it, I hate wearing it but I have to. And I still get bullied, because it's obvious. I can't afford a better one. And I'm resentful because I go to a pretty rich school. I'm not rich by any means, and although I know it's pointless and so so many have it much worse, I can't help but look at all these snooty rich girls and think how if they had been born with trich, no one would know because they'd have the resources (expensive wigs) to cover it convincingly. I know it's stupid. But I'm ugly. I've gained weight. I have no talents or redeeming qualities.
The most frustrating part is that because of my mother, I got terrible grades in school. Meaning now, I can't get in to most colleges, much less get the scholarships or financial aid that I desperately need.
I don't know man. I have no direction. I hate myself, I know how pathetic this post was. I know my problems are little baby non-problems. It's embarrassing. I just wanted to be able to tell someone, because I have honestly never ever told anyone any of this. I've had a few friends, but never anyone I trusted. I needed to do this. I'm sorry it's weird. I needed to tell someone. Do I feel better? Well, my tears have dried up, so that's a start. I can't wait to ctb. It needs to be soon. Wish it didn't have to be. Thanks for reading, empty void. Till next time.
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