The first question, that's not what I meant. If it resonated, you would have understood. It's something that happens with folks who return to abusers, hoping this time they'll get the promised payout of love, respect, acceptance, or something along those lines.
It sounds more like the second. You want to apologize, you want answers, and yet you previously devalued her by calling her selfish and said she wouldn't care, so it seems to me from the outside that you hate her, and yet you feel lower than her because you want to apologize. I'm not sure if you ever had her on a pedestal and she ended up not being so ideal?
Since you asked for advice, my advice is to stay away from her. It sounds like a really toxic relationship and you're not going to get anything healthy from reaching out to and connecting with her. I would suggest the issue with the money is validating your resentment or bitterness. I think it's an unsafe relationship and it's healthiest to cut your losses. Any more contact is going to result in feeling like your losses are compounded and will breed more toxicity and resentment, not bring resolution or healing.